What makes a Law Unjust? *part 1*

So I recently read this blog: http://www.datingish.com/738133691/mother-gives-birth-at-the-airport-strangles-the-child-to-death-dumps-it--proceeds-to-catch-flight/

Super interesting and well written, and of course, it got me thinking. First thing off the bat: the mother's actions were horrific. Being the person I am, I cant even begin to understand how a mother could even conjure such a horrible death for her own child that she carried to term for a full 9 months.

She could have had an abortion.

I know what you're thinking and I'm going to counter you real quick:

I don't know what the laws on abortion are in the UAE but I'm sure they're not lenient. With that said, when I say an abortion I don't mean a nice clean procedure in the clinic, at least not in this woman's case.

I mean straight-up old fashioned wire hanger up the vagina abortion. And that just sounds awful. But the fact remains that she gave birth in an airport bathroom, ripped the umbilical cord out of her and strangled her own baby with it, before dumping it in the garbage can.

With these options laid before us, I think it would have been much more efficient to take option number one. I would much rather deal with an early homemade abortion, than actually giving birth to my baby and then literally strangling it. -the vomit is getting harder to suppress-

Now after revealing to you my twisted mind, we're going to put that option aside and explore another idea this story presents - the law in the UAE.

If you clicked on the link above and read through some of the comments as well, you'll see that quite a number of people believe that the law is wrong and drove the woman to her actions.I disagree. the UAE is an Islamic nation. There is no separation between church and state, church is state. Thus, Sex, i.e. a baby out of wedlock is against the law and is punishable by jail time.

Do I agree with this? Quite frankly, considering the nation, yes. Well, yes to some extent.

Again I feel that rape cases are an exception. If a woman becomes pregnant due to rape, then she is the victim and has no reason to be punished. The offender should be found, locked up, and made to pay child support as well as get served with a restraining order.

Aside from that, having a law like this in a Muslim nation makes sense to me.

In America the laws change according to society. What we deem to be progressive in one generation may be denounced by the next generation. Laws change according to majority opinion - what the majority of the people think is right for the nation is voted on and thus society creates its own laws, changes those laws, and destroys those laws for new ones that we think are right.

In a nation where church and state are separate, that's completely fine.

But Muslim nations do not run on majority opinion because opinions and society change all the time. And not necessarily in a good way.

Example related to this case: PlanB. It's affordable and available for those emergencies you weren't expecting. But instead of dealing with the consequences, well now you have a permanent hall pass to walk down that aisle as much as you like because you know, you've got a back-up.

But PlanB is perfectly accepted in our society. It's helpful and saves people from trouble. (...)

Anyways, my point is that the Quran came down as a permanent foundation for us to have. Because God knew societies, cultures, views, etc. etc. all change. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes not. Society is not always right. And so we have this permanent unchanging text to go back to when the things around us are changing and we begin to wonder what is right and what is wrong. Our foundation is strong and always there to guide us to what God wants, regardless of what society claims God wants from/for us.

According to all this, I don't think the law in the UAE is wrong. I think it's actually abiding to Islamic law in a just manner.

If a man or woman has sex out of wedlock by choice, then I don't think it's necessarily unfair to serve jail time, although I'm more partial to sewing a red A on their garments.

Anyhow, I wouldn't be surprised if some of you are surprised over my thoughts on this. I think I should clarify one more point before ending part 1, and that is that I personally feel the law is created for Muslims and that is why I have no qualms with it -because everyone knows I have a completely different rating system for Muslims-. Of course it applies to every citizen of the land which means non-Muslims there may feel it is unfair. But at the same time, you are choosing to live in that nation, and thus should respect it's laws. The law was made as a means of following Islamic law and preventing Muslims from committing a sin against themselves and God, not necessarily to just punish.

After all, isn't that how laws work here as well? If you do this crime you serve this consequence. It is a means of punishing, but also a means of preventing others from committing that crime.

Just because we don't like a law, or disagree with it, doesn't mean that its wrong.

TBC in part 2 tomorrow Inshallah

This was my final essay for my Xan Justice class

Before you read this paper I feel I should warn you that it is completely, possibly brutally, honest. I considered this question very seriously and with a personal perspective. I am sure that my peers will explain their answer according to Christian values and while I understand that this is a Christian Justice class, the only way I can answer this question is from an Islamic perspective. My answer is completely honest and though I’ve never been in this situation, I feel I have accurately predicted what my reaction would be if I ever found myself in this position.

The final question Wiesenthal asks his readers to ask of themselves at the end of The Sunflower is “What would I have done?” He is asking his readers, if a dying SS solider asked them, on his death bed, to forgive him for the people he has killed, what would their response be? As a reader/listener, I felt empathy but also detachment. To really ask myself this question I had to think of this from a more personal perspective - if a dying U.S. solider from Iraq asked me to forgive him on behalf of all the innocent Muslims he killed, what would my answer be? The truth is, I’m not sure.

This question brings up so many other questions that need to be answered, but cannot be answered. Do you have the right to forgive if you were not the direct victim of this individual’s crimes? And do you have the right to not answer a dying man’s wish on his death bed? How do you answer these questions? If the crime of this individual did not directly affect me, I feel like I do not have the right to forgive him for the people he killed. They suffered for his actions, in a way that I have not and never hope to. Having not suffered at this man’s hands, I feel like I do not have the right to pardon him either.

At the same time, my natural human instincts cause me to feel pity for him. He is dying. He has committed crimes, yes, but he is clearly repenting. He wants to be forgiven by someone he feels is close, in some way, to the ones who suffered at his hands. Do I have the right to not console a dying man? Do I have the right to not fulfill a dying man’s wish? Again, I have no idea. Because even though he has realized his crimes and is apologizing for them now, he still committed those crimes. An apology should always count for something, but the fact also remains that regretful words will not undo the past. A remorseful heart will not undo the harm and pain that was caused. It all still happened. People still died.

I considered, when considering this question, lying. Telling a dying man he is forgiven but not meaning it, if only to console a dying man. It is lying, but would count as a horrible sin if it was done with good intention? But, this alternative grated against my nerves far too fiercely. Even though it would give him peace, and no one else would know, just thinking about this alternative made me cringe. I know I would feel as if all the people who suffered at this man’s hands were now shifting their accusing gazes at me. Besides that, lying to a dying man just seems awful. I cannot give a philosophical answer for any of this, it’s all human instinct. So this alternative is out of the question, which brings me back to square one.

I really do not know what my reaction will be if an actual event like this took place in my life. But, knowing myself, knowing my personality and personal convictions, here is the response I think I would most likely have: If a dying U.S. solider from Iraq asked me to forgive him for all the innocent Muslims he killed, I think my final response would be just this. I would tell him I don’t know. I would tell him that I can see he is sincerely sorry, and that I want to forgive him. But I can’t because I do not have the right to do so on behalf of all those who died. I would tell him I’m sorry his life took the course it did, and that I would pray for him. As a Muslims, I would call him to Islam and whether he converted or not, I would tell him that the God I believe in, and the God his victim’s believed in is just and merciful. And I would hope that the little I could offer would serve as some purpose to console him while he passed on.

-------What would your response have been?

Oh Finals, How I Run From You

So I’m supposed to be studying for my finals, which naturally means that it’s the perfect time for a new post to distract me! At the moment I have nothing frustrating or controversial to rant about (besides finals but we’re just going to avoid that topic for now), so what can I possibly write about?

Well I was reviewing the past few days in my head and I remembered this conversation:

Andrea: I’m sorry, I’m going to finish your jam. I’ll pay for it.

Me: you don’t have to pay for it, I don’t mind.

Andrea: no I’ll pay for it. How much was it, $8?

Me: 8 dollars! Do I really look like I would pay $8 for jam?

Andrea and Nickkie: Yes.

Me……

Which got me thinking, according to Russell Peter’s definition, I’m more Jewish than Indian

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKqdIDxoWBE

I love a good deal. 2 for 3, buy one get one free, free shipping and samples for spending x amount - you get the idea. I swear my browny sense starts tingling whenever I pass a dollar or goodwill store.

Off brand make-up doesn’t bother me. Neither does dollar store lotion, and $5 shoes. For most things my motto is: if it works as well, it works for me.

But there are some things I’m always willing to spend money for, and some things I insist have to be brand name (it’s weird typing this down, I never realized it before).

Here is a short list of some of the things I insist on having a brand name:

-pads. It’s already the most uncomfortable time of the month, why make it worse? It has to be either Kotex or Always, no drug store brands please!

-toilet paper. I hate thin, single layered toilet paper. That stuff dissolves in the frikin package. Charmin please!

-deodorant. I’m brown. ‘nuff said.

-cameras. Why spend half the money for half the quality and ¼ of the life expectancy? If you have to make a technology investment, might as well make it a good one that will last long from the get go. Nikon has proven itself to me. And this goes for computers and phones too.

I honestly think that’s about it…

Things I don’t mind shelling money out for if I have it:

-make-up! If I can get it for a dollar great! But if I have to pay a bit more Revlon or Sephora, I won’t hesitate.

-books! Especially classics. Before I got the Kindle I spent about all my birthday, Eid and Graduation money in Half-price bookstore (just because I’m willing to spend the money doesn’t mean I cant be smart ;) for things like Edgar Allan Poe’s whole collection, Moby Dick, and Homer’s works.

-food I.e. company. I don’t mind snack food and taco bell. but if company is involved, depending on who you are, I have no qualms with going to a fast-food joint as well as a fancy restaurant. Friends and food = an amazing time out and money worth spending. If I don’t like you, I wont want to spend money with you.

Things I have bought off-brand and would buy again:

- clothes. I don’t buy clothes to look good, I buy clothes to feel comfortable in something that will cover me at the same time. If my memory serves me well, I have never spent more than $13 on pants. Most of my pants are $6 or less. Most expensive shirt I own was $20 but it was a gift. Most expensive shirts I’ve bought were the school shirts they sold for $10. Other wise my shirts are $6 and bellow.

- shoes and bags. Most expensive pair of shoes = $33, purchase made due to Nichole’s evil coaxing ways. With that exception all of my shoes are $20 and under. As for bags, well I rarely buy bags so I don’t remember the most I’ve spent on them. But the cheapest bags I ever bought were $1 each at a garage sale! -still so proud of myself for that! XD

- food. Why hallo there Great Value.

So I guess I can see why Nickkie and Andrea would say ‘yes’ so quickly to me spending 8 bucks on jam. Because even though I love being cheap, I love giving into my fancies even more. And if I have the money for it, I do it. Because I don’t consider enjoyment a waste of money =)

What about you? What are some things you insist on having name brand, wouldn’t mind shelling out money for, and things you would take a trip to the dollar store for again? Leave your comments here or tell me on face book!

On a positive ending note: my playlist right now is amazing! Starts with (Shake up Christmas - Train) (Magic - B.o.B.) (Letting Go - Sean Kingston) (I see the light - Tangled Soundtrack) (Your love - Nicki Minaj) (Check It Out - Will I. Am. & Nicki Minaj) (Strawberry Wine - Deana Carter) (Kids- MGMT) (Love Today - MIKA) (Chasing Pavement - Adele) (Rehab - Amy Winehouse) ( Moment 4 Life - Nicki Minaj) (Love Like Woah - The Ready Set)

My my, my entry is just full of lists today!

Good luck on finals all =)

Right Before Eid

I cant believe everything that's going on right before Eid..

the Islamic Center near Ground Zero, well I think that the Imam there needs to be smart and big about things and just change the location. There's already so much hostility going on around the issue, pressing on just will not help the case. I understand his justification for it, and i understand that it's meant as a peaceful step forward, but if you can clearly see that its not being taken the way it was intended, you need to change your plan.
I don't like how ignorant some people are about Islam, and I absolutely loathe how easily those people affiliate the actions of ignorant extremists with my religion. So, hearing educated people speak belligerently about how insensitive it is to build a mosque near Ground Zero because it promotes 'a religion of terror' really hit hard.
But you know what, if that's the case then i feel the best thing that could be done is to take the bigger step and stop construction. Move the center somewhere else. I think making that step will show people that Islam really is a religion that preaches peace and tolerance.
That's my take on that issue anyhow. After thinking it over and considering that the finished building will cause more hostility than it's worth, I think the Muslims there need to back down.

Now so far as the 'burn a Quran day' goes - pure ridiculousness. Seriously, Terry Jones has never even read the Quran. Why does he want to burn it then? Well, in my opinion, I think he watches a little too much Fox.
But when I say ridiculous, I mean RIDICULOUS. it's been 9 years since 9/11 occurred. In those 9 years i specifically remember 2 years ago when 9/11 was being called a 'monumental' day because kanye west and p diddy were both coming out with their new albums that day...I don't know about anyone else, but my friends and I were shocked at the lack of respect for the dead.
And now, all of a sudden, after 9 years filled with mourning and respect this pastor decides radical Muslims don't know who they're messing with and a warning message needs to be sent..after 9 years..on Eid..to radical Muslims..by burning the Quran..on our holy day..after 9 years..
Does anyone else see how ridiculous this is?
How many radical Muslims must Terry Jones have come in contact with to think he should burn the Quran without even reading it because it MUST preach terror?
How many radical Muslims has he come across that have burned flags and Bibles in his face that he feels he is justified to commit such a heinous act?
And he says that he supposedly doesn't have anything against moderate Muslims, but he's still going to do offensive act to get his point across. I still don't see his point. Someone tell me what his 50 member congregation is warning against please. Some one please tell me what his 50 member congregation possibly has the power of doing beside causing more moronic tension.
I think Terry Jones is being horribly selfish and arrogant. He doesn't care that our soldiers are in Muslim countries. He doesn't care that he's offending every single Muslim that lives in America. And he doesn't care that he's disrespecting the victims of 9/11 by spreading hate on a day of mourning.
Terry Jones is an un-educated oaf that's pulling a publicity stunt in the name of patriotism. I don't know about anyone else, but i do know that I'm offended as a Muslim, and as an American.
We have freedom of speech and religion in our country for the purpose of granting freedom to our citizens, not so those citizens turn and take advantage of that right by using it maliciously. I don't consider Terry Jones an American. I consider him a terrorist on American soil.

All this happening right before Eid... I don't know how to take it at all. I wasn't very extensive on the Center near Ground Zero because I had already voiced my opinion over it on fb quite some time ago. This 'burn a Quran day' however really has my heart beating uneasily. I cant stand the thought of my holy book in flames. It's seriously enough to bring me to tears, and we know that's not an easy thing to do. Frustration. It's times like this that I feel blessed to have been brought up with a diverse group of people and have had the opportunity to meet amazing people in the form of friends, and teachers, and even strangers. They are the people that give me hope and remind me, that America was founded by people who share their values of tolerance, freedom, and peace, not hatred, ignorance and malice. I will be celebrating Eid on Friday. 9/10 will be a day of celebration for me- the feast that ends Ramadan, and the time I will spend with my family Inshallah. And the day after that, on 9/11, i will be mourning and praying for the victims of that horrible attack 9 years ago. I will be praying for the safety of our soldiers over-sea. And I will be praying for Terry Jones's sanity to kick in stop him from committing his act of arrogance.

Musigs before Fajr

Today is the first day of Ramadan. I would say 'I got up feeling' but really, I didnt sleep all night. I spent my whole night getting cleaner than clean, showering, cutting and de-polishing my nails, etc etc. and just reflecting over the 19 Ramadans I have lived through.

I remember being 4 and waking up with Abu to do Sehri. We ate Kajla and Pehni with cold milk and prayed Fajr together before I plopped back to bed and he headed off for work. Ammi only let me keep half-day fasts back then. But then when I turned 6 I was allowed to keep my first whole roza, and Farhan started his half day rozas, and we competed with the neighberhood kids over who could keep the most rozas.
I remember the Ramadan I wasnt able to keep a single roza, and then 5 years later the Ramadan where I could keep all my rozas. And the one just last year where I had Spaghetios for Sehri and salads for Iftaar, when Nickkie and Sue had late dinners so I wouldnt be alone eating my Iftaar. And the one where Ramsha and Sarosha kept their first whole rozas. How we always had those Iftaars at the Masjid, and then those at so many people's houses.

And it's so strange to see how time has gone by. Now Abu can hardly keep 1 roza due to his diabetes. I know we probably wont ever be able to wake up for Kajla and Pehni again. I'm so grateful I have those memories. And I'm excited now. Because as time goes on, children grow, and Shayan wants to keep his first roza, and Zahra wants to start a hijab (although both are too young for either) xD

Ramadan always brings great tidings for me Allhamdullillah. i cant remember a single one where I didnt learn something fascinating. This year I'm so glad it started while we still have a few days of summer. Today's Sehri was absolutely beautiful. Sarwat Mumani is amazing. She woke up and made us Parhatas and I got to sit with Nanna and talk about random things at 5 in the morning. What more could I ask for? Abu always told me and Farhan about his childhood and how he practically lived at his Mumani's and Chachi's house. I'm super excited that I'll be able to do the same Inshallah =)

I've already decided that I'm going to start this year's self progression during Ramadan by cutting things out. I'm cutting out things and people who dont bring me happiness. Or rather, who make me unhappy. After all, no one likes being hurt. Coming back to Houston for the summer was great, I love being with family and friends. But I also remembered why I chose Waco. If I stay in Houston too long, I eventually end up meeting the people who are still stuck in High School world after graduation. And I really, really dont like that. So I'm cutting out who I need to, and moving on. I dont feel guilty because even though I'm closing the door, I've left the window open. Everyone knows that if they ever need help with anything, no matter how rotten a foot we left each other standing on the last time, they can call me and I'll do everything I can to help. But other than that, dont call me.

Not to say Houston wont be missed. Everyone I wanted to meet I did. Samara, Aneela Baji, Ammara, Maleeha, etc. etc. There are so many people and names! (Except for Neil! That kid is always busy D<) And of course family. Besides, I can never get over just how much i love the diversity of this city. And I do wish I could spend all of Ramadan and Eid here before shifting off, but that's life.

Anyways, before I head off on yet another tangent, I've got a great feeling about this Ramadan. Excitment and Duas in the air and all our hearts 8D time to go do Wudu, pray Fajr, and plop into bed for another couple of hours.

on a positive note: It's Ramadan guys!

Recent Happenings in Pakistan

recently there has been a lot of chaos in Pakistan, both due to geographic nature and human nature. so far as i know according to the update i got from aadresh a couple of days ago, the death toll is around 2500 and increasing.

two major events have lead to the current chaos. the first was the flood, and the second was the death of an MQM member. due to these two events there have been murders, gruesome deaths over all, and far too much grief.



what i should be doing is watching the news. i should be contacting relatives and asking how everyone is. i should be doing something productive, something helpful. i was super enthusiastic earlier in the year about all the happenings in Pakistan. i even contacted sohaib and asked all about the past happenings of Pakistan - i was trying to understand at least some of the history that has led to current conditions.

but for whatever reason, a reason i cant figure out, i cant bring myself to watch the news, or make the calls. i think I'm scared of what I'm going to hear. my entire dadyal and enough of my nanyal is still there, trying to live a normal life. good things happen all the time without us noticing. but when bad things happen, news spreads. so far i haven't heard from my family, so I'm assuming the best. I don't want to get bad news. i sound childish because i feel childish.

I'm so thankful for this trip we were able to make. I was able to see so much of my family, and understand so much more about my own roots. It was a worthwhile trip that i constantly re-live. but while there i also saw the nature of things and understood what everyone had been trying to make me understand. if there is no authority of some sort in a land, how can you brig about order? the question isn't when, it's how. the current 'guy' Zardari needs to just disappear.
never before have i seen such an incompetent man. its people like him that make me question the theory of evolution - how can we be so sure that our race isn't getting stupider?
I mean seriously, your country has just been struck by two majorly chaotic events, and where are you? touring Europe....WHAT! i never thought a paradox such as a human without humanity could exist, but there ya go!

it's things like these that have also brought me to question if I'll have the ability to become a journalist. i mean, I'm still majoring in journalism - that's not going to change, I'm learning far too many great things in this field. but I'm talking about an actual career as a journalist. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm for it. if I'll be able to do jack-squat once I'm in the field. because right now, with tons of potential stories facing me with these events, all i can think of is how to avoid any more news from Pakistan at all cost...i suppose the next 3 years will reveal what's to be done with me.

OK...tangents over...ish. but you see, it's things like these that have me going in a loop of frustration, confusion, and hopelessness. i don't mean to be hopeless, but the things i saw, and the things that are going on now - it's taking more and more effort to have even a slight bit of hope. i still want to teach English in Pakistan, in some point in my life. some point as is after my Master's degree and once my loans are paid off - which will take another 10 years in my estimation, due to other events that are expected, Inshallah, to happen along the way. but the most fearful question i have to ask then is, will there even be a Pakistan to go to in 10 years?

I'm so scared and angst-y.

on a positive note: i finally have this post ready enough to, well, post!

Why Is Life Worth Living?

First off - excuse my pessimistic sounding title, this is actually meant to be an optimistic entry. (let's see where it goes!)
you see, i was thinking back to the amazingly insightful conversations i had with Nichole and Michelle today and well, the wheels were turning and i began wondering - why do people do the things they do?

why is life worth living? no one person has an exact same answer I'm sure, which is understandable. everyone has their own reasons for living life the way they do. my questions:
is life worth living if it's a party?
or perhaps a quiet home life with quaint comforts?
is life worth living because of a special someone, or a number of special someones?
because you live to rule your life?
or rule someone else's?
because you want to make a change?
or simply because God made you and that's the reason life is worth living?

of course there isn't a black and white answer to this. i know my answer is full of many different shades of grey and gray and red and brown and green and yellow....(yeah...)

and of course this makes me wonder - what exactly do you classify as living? of course every second of every day that we exhale and inhale is living. but aside from technicalities, what is Living? because i know for certain that my definition and practice of living is very different from the definition and practice of others - but that doesn't make either of us less living - so to speak.

when i thought this question to myself my answer was - seeing, breathing, hearing, talking , laughing, etc. etc. -you know, the regular cliches-
but then i thought: WAIT! blind people don't live any less than i do. nor do deaf and mute people. we are Living differently, but not any less than one another. and what of those individuals in even more heart-wrenching conditions? what of those people in comas, or dealing with a life-long illness or handicap, or life-threatening disease? at first glance they seem to be Living less, and I'm certainly not jealous because, quite frankly, i don't think i would have the courage to move through life in such strenuous conditions. but -always a but!- But, once again what classifies us or anyone as Living?

for example, a person in a coma who has no sense of the outside world, would mostly be considered Living quite less than anyone else, and the reason for their technically living anymore becomes a question -how hopeful can you be that they will come out of that coma?
to those of us of a third party, the strangers, we have this perspective -speaking generally of course- we: why make the person suffer more? and why make his family suffer more? why not pull the plug to spare the pain all around and move on? isn't that what the person would want?
and of course we take this view without malice or cynical wishes at all, but because we feel pity for these related individuals and we want them to stop suffering.

but -here's the other but- BUT, now if we trade shoes with this unknown, coma-rendered man's mother, or wife, or daughter, or sister, son, brother, father etc. etc. would we still have that same third party perspective?
well obviously not, because now we're in the first party - the party that shares heart and soul with this anonymous man. and as, say, the mother, pulling the plug of my coma - rendered son would be pulling the plug on the sun itself. i know if i was the mother: he was in my womb for 9 months. i gave birth to him. i raised him. i loved him. his happiness was my happiness and i lived for the child that i was blessed with. and now he's Living for me. he hasn't moved, hasn't woken up, but he can. and he's Living now isn't he? who has the right to give and take away life? no doctor, no mother. if he's Living now, however technically, it's because God hasn't forsaken our family with death.
certainly to a mother or such close family member, even this living is still Living. and who are we, as third party members, to argue?
-food for thought, no?-

anywho - went off on a tangent there.... so life is worth living for many different reasons and we are Living it in many different ways. it's just an interesting thought - to wonder about the strangers you cross everyday, why are they living, and how are they Living. everyone of us has our own little story, that goes without saying. what's fascinating is the loose ends of those stories that intertwine with other loose ends of other stories.

on a positive note: while thinking of all this I realized again how blessed i am to have so many reasons that make life worth living. they change from day to day. one day it's to wake up at 6 in the morning to take a nice walk full of deep conversation with Munera Khala, and on another day it's to enjoy the wonderful delights of buttered toast. Ah Life!

Pakistan: The Answer You (and i) Wanted

I seriously cant believe I'm already back and life is just, back.
back to home, back to bumming and chilling, back to fort bend. etc etc.
and the trip there really was like a dream - it came with amazing flight and excitement, and ended just as quickly. since I've been back I've just been replaying all that happened and could have happened...
i don't know just how many posts there will be over this trip, or if this will be the only one, i suppose we'll see as time and age progresses.
for now I'll start with the point I've received the most questions on - whatever happened to marriage??
Lol. well truth be told, I'm wondering that too.
i did indeed and surprisingly come back without even a verbal agreement of some sort, but thinking on it now i think it's for the better.
there were two guilty parties - me, and them. and both me and them said 'no'. now there were a number of 'them' but truth be told, details are just not important here. the bottom line is that i said no to a few people, and a few people said no to me. and i had my reasons, and they had theirs, so there's no hate either way and well, we're all progressing ahead in our separate yet intricately connected worlds.
if there are any more proposals from Pakistan then of course they will be considered in all seriousness. but so far as explicit searches go, we've turned towards America with full attention.
and by 'we' of course i mean YOU, as in my wonderful friends. now you have the official green-light to go find me a husband because as you can see, i have epically failed...
LoL
anyways. the whole point in looking in Pakistan was because i wanted my parents to bring home a son, not a son-in-law. to find a family that they can settle easily with and vice-versa for the in-laws *adjusting on my part is not a big deal* but alas, there was a family like that but it didn't work out. what can i say, life is life - full of twists and surprises -hey, at least its not boring, right?-
so Inshallah, I'm praying there's a family like that in America that happens to have a firm place in my life.
and it's your job to find them, because heaven knows i don't know jack-squat about playing this game on my own D<
my criteria?
well of course we've got the basic - good degree, stable job, religious awareness, social and fun personality, and a good home -by which i mean family not building-
y'all know how i am otherwise, physical appearances are not a primary focus -at all!- and everyone has their dispositions and quirks so no big deal there. and we've got the basics musts and must nots such as - he has to be Muslim, a virgin *i didn't save myself for someone who cant do the same for me ok*, no drinking or drug habits *although cigarettes i don't care about*, and no gambling.
Now! if i went into preferences...well the superficial side of me would highly prefer someone who's the eldest of his siblings and has a lot of siblings, A LOT taller than me -i don't want my poor children to be midgets D=- with green eyes, a black southern momma *not ghetto - there is a difference!-, and can speak another language besides English...
(you know, the usual specifics xD)
Lol -sigh- why do i feel as if my shot and my target are in completely different dimensions?
lol again.
anyhow, I'm hopeful. Allah has taken care of me so far and I have full faith he wont drop me just yet. just gotta take life in a stride and a smile, and we'll just see where we end up

on and ending positive note: my new clothes are so frikin fabulous!

Frustrationnnnnnnnn

This morning there was a documentary on the history channel on the Ku Klux Klan. Watching it gave me shivers. So many of the acts committed by members of this clan are so gruesome.... While I was watching my dad told me to change it to CNN, which I did. Perfect timing. One of the stories in circulating was of the NYC bomber. Apparently he was working with the Taliban in Pakistan, and the Pakistani Taliban is planning an attack on the U.S.

Whether it's true or not doesn't even matter. The suspicion is enough to give the rest of us hell.
And I got to thinking about the new Immigration Law that passed in Arizona (I know I'm jumping all over the place here, give me a few sentences to explain my thought process). I was adamantly against it, and to a huge extent I still am. Seriously, how do you LOOK like an illegal immigrant? There are illegal immigrants from, yes Mexico, but also from India and Pakistan, and Nigeria, and even Canada! So how do you 'look' like an illegal immigrant? So that law I still have a lot against, because it's, to me, advocating racial discrimination (here's the link that ties all my other thoughts together) against one group of people when there are a number of people from a number of nations that are illegal immigrants.

The thing is racial profiling, even the thought of racial profiling shakes us, because we're American. Because our nation's history is one of overcoming racial discrimination. Because we are all immigrants and live in this amazing melting pot, the thought of seriously judging someone based on something they never had control of, is more than disturbing. It's disgusting, and un-nerving, and completely against our values and everything we've all worked so hard to over-come. We can't imagine hating our best friends, and relatives, and mentors, etc. etc. simply because of their race, simply because of the way they look.
That's why organizations such as the KKK and the Taliban raise the hairs on our necks. Because terrorism of any kind, especially that has stemmed from racism, hatred, and ignorance doesn't make sense to us.

But how can I argue against racial discrimination at the airport? How can I say it's not right that Muslims are being racially profiled against at the airport when, since 2000 all the terrorists have been Muslims. Excuse me, I mean 'muslims'.
Not to say that all Muslims are terrorists (y'all know that), but because of a few idiots, the rest of us have to suffer. And correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that's how most of our issues take root.

I saw the short story on CNN and my blood just started boiling. Why? Because, this NYC incident, this idiotic idiot will cause my family to go through hell at the airport in 4 days. Because whenever I think Muslims are out of the spot light, that we have over come another adversity and become stronger, something else happens that screws us all over again. What. The. Hell.
Every time. Seriously. Every time I think -ok. fine. some arrogant douche bag muslim screwed up again. Ok. it's over. society isn't judging us based on them. America knows it's not all of us. America knows it's not most of us. America knows it's just a few who are messing things up for the rest of us. We all remember our history classes, where we learned about those handful of people that cause the most harm and leave the rest 0f us to suffer. Every time we try to pick up the pieces and get back up. Some one's actions shoot us down again.

It is extremely frustrating. Now thanks to this Faisal Shazad jerk I will be randomly checked - constantly at the airport. Especially because we're headed to Pakistan. Our luggage will be checked thoroughly. And you know what? We won't be the only ones suffering. Any Muslims traveling are going through this ordeal. Hell, even if you're not Muslim you're having to go through this ordeal. When absolutely any of us travel, we will have to either be questioned, or stand behind someone who is being questioned. All of us are annoyed and afraid of these ridiculous actions that are committed under the label of Jihad and Islam. All of us. I hate that I and everyone else will have to face these checks and suspicions because of the ignorant fools. I hate that every time we are about to get ahead, we fall back 10 steps because of one person. I hate that there has to be racial discrimination at an airport and any where else because it's completely against my American and Islamic values.
But, and I can't believe I'm about to type this, but I can see how it can be important in the case of fighting terrorism. I wish it wasn't. I think we can do without it. But I can see why it's there when these things happen. And I can't blame anyone else but those people who call themselves 'muslim' and set our entire nation back years in the fight against discrimination. I hate it. All of it. And even though I know it's not my fault, I'm sorry for it.

On a positive note:
All I can say is, thank God I'm American. And thank God I'm Muslim. Because both identities are my own, and both are the cause for this hope I have that things will change for the better. That things can always change for the better if we're willing to stand up for it. I have faith in our society to remember who their friends and neighbors are, regardless of what other people of the same faith or race do. And I know that, even though we've fallen behind again, we're going to catch up again and get ahead. Inshallah.

RIP Zegham...i wish i knew what to say, but i'm blubbering right now

I found out on my way to Sumera Khala's house. I was in the car with Ammara when Farhan sent me this text: Rmr zegam from danials click? He just passed away, drowned at the beach.. Were going to the hospital right now
It threw me off to say the least, but it was a weird mix of feelings. I mean, i felt shocked but at the same time, the actuality of it didn't register in my mind. I continued to talk to Ammara. went to Sumera Khala's place, everyone had found out that a kid had passed away so it was a constant mention here and there...but I think I started getting really affected when i was outside trying to get in touch with Shoaib for Murk
That's when I really had too much quiet to think..

I remember Zegham from freshman year. we didn't really talk then. really, all I knew was that he went out with murk, but I can recall that whenever i saw him, he was always smiling. and actually, that's the one thing I really liked about him - the way he smiled. because it was quite distinct from what you usually see.
Zegham smiled with his entire face. when he laughed, or was having a good time, his whole face shifted and it was quite amusing, and very warming. One of those smiles that let you know he was a friendly guy and just put you at ease.
Anyways, so freshman year we didn't talk. I just knew who he was.
fast-forward to senior year, now I saw him whenever we had an officer's meeting - Danyal would bring him all the time. That's when I actually spoke words to him.
He would offer some ideas here and there, and crack jokes. he played around with Danyal's younger sister. He joked around with me brother.
Actually, that's where Farhan and Zegham first met and talked, and became somewhere between friends and acquaintances.

After senior year I didn't see him at all. Not in person anyways.
But, and this is really odd, I saw him in a dream just maybe 2 weeks back.
I thought it was the most random thing ever.
The dream had me and Nickkie, and we were in my childhood neighborhood. I had been running through the house, which was a huge maze in my room, and I came out of the front door of our old apartment - 188. Nickkie was standing in the rain, and it was pouring cats and dogs! and I ran to her completely panicked, completely worried, yelling at the top of my lungs so she could here over the rain and thunder *there was no lightening* 'We have to save Zegham!! We have to go save him! What do we do? Where is he? We have to go save him now!!'
I don't remember Nickkie's reaction, but I remember being on the verge of tears when I yelled my last sentence out because for the first time lightening had struck and, even though I had yelled so loudly that my throat hurt, I knew Nickkie didn't hear me.
I turned away from her trying to formulate a plan, think of some way to save Zegham. and as I turned towards the Masjid, I saw him coming. he looked perfectly unharmed, and was smiling with his whole face...and as soon as I saw him lightening struck again over us, it had illuminated his face with this odd blueish-silver light.
I remember feeling so...relieved that he was alive, that he was well, that we didn't have to rescue him because he was alright.
As he was walking towards us he called out "Hey guys! Kya hua??"
Both me and Nickkie ran up to him and he started laughing because we looked absolutely ridiculous - our entire faces were dripping with rain water and tears. And Zegham laughed again and said 'Ithni paareshaani kyun? hain? mei teek hun!'
End dream.

I woke up relieved because Zegham was ok and then it struck me...how in the world did I dream about Zegham? After all this time, after not knowing him well at all, why in the world did I dream of Zegham so randomly?
I still havent figured it out - have no idea what to make of it really... but it was odd
and i feel horrible realizing now that my best memory of him, my most prominent communication and picture of him, was from a dream that flew through my mind from out of no where... - odd and sad things happen sometimes.

Now that he's gone, I wish more than anything that I could have known him better, because I know he was a great guy. I'm praying that the pain everyone is feeling is eased soon, so that they can go from missing him and thinking of his tragic death, to missing him and thinking of all the good times they had with him. Even though I didn't know him so well, I feel like that's how he would want to be remembered, because he smiled, naturally, with his whole face. and to me, that says a lot about a person.

I can see him walking down the hall, taller than all the other boys, laughing and joking. I can see him playing with Danyal's younger sister and messing around with my brother. I can see him smiling, illuminated in the blueish - silver light of lightening. I can see him in the ocean trying to swim in the night. I can see him..I can feel him going beneath the water, struggling to get back up, to tsop choking from the engulfing water and get air in his lungs. I can feel my arms tense because I can feel his arms tense as they reach up for something. I can see him in the hospital, on a bed under white sheets and white lights. I can see all his friends and everyone who knew him with shocked faces and sinking hearts. I can see Murk sobbing, thinking of what, and how, and why. I can see his parents not having any choice but to believe....
I can see him sitting next to me right now... he's got his legs up, very chill. He's reading this as I'm typing it and he's smiling with his face again. I know what he's about to say - "Ithni paareshaani kyun? hain? mei teek hun!'
He laughed with his entire face - I was right.

I wish I had known you better Zegham.
And I know this is going to sound completely insane but, I wish I could have rescued you in my dream, instead of you rescuing yourself...
You will be missed by many, and prayed for countlessly
I can't say much, or offer much, or anything much.
But know this Zegham, of all the deaths I have experienced, I have only ever cried for two people. Once for my Phuppa, and once more for you, because I did not know either of you and I wish I could have.

Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Raji'un

Oh the ramblings one thought can evoke!

Alright I know this is an over-played topic, but I haven’t put my stance in words yet and, after all, that’s what a blog is for - so here it is:
I read this interesting blog on another site that was basically about abortion and it got me thinking - why is abortion such an easy (albeit, controversial, but nonetheless easy) thing to talk about? I guess I don’t even mean easy to talk about, more like easy to consider.
Its like abortion has become this ‘safety’ net at the back of our generation’s mind (you know, IN CASE anything happens, I can always do this).
Excuse me for being conservative in this matter but no, it’s not okay to take this ‘option’ IN CASE anything happens.

Look I cant say I’m pro-life or pro-choice because I feel like it’s not that simple. Different circumstance deserve different judgments. Of course I’m not in favor of little high school girls having sex too early, getting Prego, and then an abortion because they’re not mature enough to have a baby. I’m not in favor of chicks getting plastered, Prego due to a bad decision, and have an abortion as a bail-out. I’m not in favor of women having abortions because having a kid would ‘disrupt’ their current lifestyle. These are all common cases, all of which can be prevented by simply not having sex (and I know it’s not that simple, but we’ll get into that in a minute).
However, I can understand situations for things like rape. Why? Because rape has traumatic affects on women, physically and psychologically. That’s when I feel if a woman is giving up her child it’s because she may not be psychologically fit - no mother wants to raise their child in an environment of hate, remorse, regret, etc - especially when it’s not the child’s fault. (although in such a case I would prefer adoption, but I can understand the psychological aspect of it that would lead to an abortion).

The other case I can think of where abortion is a plausible option is in a medical condition, where it’s either the mother or the child’s life.
Other than that, it’s hard not to give harsh judgments on the ‘normal’ cases (even though we’re not supposed to be judging at all…)

What I don’t understand is, why is it SO hard to not have sex in the first place? I know it’s hard, but it’s not a life or death matter, and certainly it’s been done before be countless people.
I don’t know about you guys but I’m in firm stance on abstinence until marriage, Islam preaches it and I follow it, and it makes sense. Yes everyone wants to have sex, but it’s so much more beneficial to wait until the ring is on your finger *as the saying goes*
And quite frankly I don’t think it’s harder for guys than it is for girls to wait. In fact, I think it’s just as hard for both genders - girls just don’t admit to it as easily.
I’m waiting to get married, and especially because I expect to marry a Muslim, I expect him to wait as well. After all, our parents before us waited, and their parent before them, (and so on, and so forth) there are plenty of people in our generation that are also waiting to have sex. It’s an admirable and respectable thing to do (and religiously speaking, the right thing to do - if anything that should be enough incentive)
I don’t know, it’s weird how the world thinks now a days. Just a few decades ago people ‘courted’ and PDA was almost unheard of. Now if you read current blogs, most people seem to be in favor of pre-marital sex (how can you possibly have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t have sex with them?) pro-choice all the way, in fact there was a recent one I read where a girl wrote about one of her male friends waiting until his wedding day to have his first kiss. She said her initial thought was ‘aww’ but then realized he was crazy. She wasn’t the only one to think that way. The majority of the people who responded remarked at how ‘illogical’ and ‘unrealistic’ the notion was.
Yet here we are, with thousands of Muslims who have waited until their wedding day to actually hug a person of the opposite sex, let alone kiss and have sex. And Allhamdullillah, we still have thousands of Muslims still doing that (yes the number has decreased unfortunately, but there are Muslims who realize the value of waiting and thus do it).
Sorry, but I think you can have a perfectly healthy relationship without sex (this doesn’t go for Muslims, because Muslims aren’t SUPPOSED to have ‘relationships’ like that in the first place, you just wait - but anyways, that’s another blog)
After all, a number of our parents hadn’t even met properly before they got married - screw the hand holding, the hugging, the kissing, the sex (play on words, haha) and so far as I’ve seen their relationships are perfectly healthy, perfectly promising. Excuse me for sounding prudish, but I think I’ll follow their, and their ancestor’s examples first, before I turn to the generations of now that have a higher divorce rate than ever.

ANYWAYS, completely went off on a different tangent, but I guess that’s what happens when you think and right at the same time - haha
So, my stand stays: Abortion is a serious action to take, regardless of how early it is considered and done. At the least, it will have some psychological affect on the woman.
Thus, I am almost completely not in favor it. But like I said before there are enough of those varying circumstances that don’t allow me to choose a simple black and white pro-life or pro-choice.
I’m just saying, yeah you want sex. Yeah everyone sex. Yeah everyone is not having sex. Resisting is hard, but waiting it out is definitely worth it.

On a positive note: going home this weekend thanks to Natasha! can't wait to weed through my closet and start organizing! - but you never thought you'd hear that from me! xD

I started sweating and started thinking profound thoughts...

So every one's enjoying the nice weather outside today. It's sunny! It's warm! It's beautiful!
It's an oven hell baking me at 350 degrees, nice and slowly so i turn nice and orange, and every nerve of mine is coated by agitation.
..Needless to reiterate (but i shall) that this is NOT good weather for hijabis.

However, (here's where the profound thinking comes in) I remembered all the other hijabis who must be suffering in this lovely bi-polar manner of Texas and, oddly, i felt comforted knowing i wasn't the only one who was probably becoming mortal enemies with the sun.

It's a concept I learned a few years back, that acts as a comforting blanket in the back of my mind. That is: Muslims are strangers to the world. We fit in with society, with culture, with our fellow peers - but not perfectly. We are a little different, always have been, always will be. That's what comes with being a Muslim. You fit in, but not completely. There is always something that sets you apart from everyone else.

Not that it's a bad thing. I quite enjoy my uniqueness. Especially at a private Baptist school - it's fun (and a little flattering) to hear I'm the first, or one of the few, approachable Muslims a person has met. That's especially when I know I'm a welcomed...accepted...familiar...yeah lets go with familiar
-That's especially when I know I'm a familiar stranger.
People may hear this and feel slightly uneasy. I understand. The uneasiness is usually because Islam tends to cause Muslims to deviate away from a number of the current norms of current society. In fact, so far as I have observed, a lot of people feel that religion should mold to its followers - to fit their life style and perspectives. Religion should be mold able to form the comfort and safety shape we want it to. So people feel uneasy when they hear Muslims and their 'struggle.'

The thing is, Islam doesn't work that way. We don't believe that religion should mold to humans, because humans can (and often are) wrong, or misguided, or mistaken (take your pick of a synonym).
In Islam, people mold to the religion. We don't pick the shape of our comfort and safety nets, we see it as it is and either choose to mold to it. (Or you can turn away from it, but then that's not following Islam so that's a whole other post for later).

Anyhow - as Muslims we believe that the rules, regulations, laws, rights, etc. etc. set in Islam are set by God, and thus permanent - regardless of societal, cultural, whatever changes. Because these things are constantly changing - culture and societal preferences are not meant to be permanent. They are recorded in history with every turn as evidence of the progression (or decline, however you take it) of our human race.
So how can factors that are constantly changing, constantly will be changing, not meant to be permanent - decide our faith, which should remain permanently steadfast in us - once we choose to accept it - ?

Thus, Islam is here to offer us a permanent set rights and morals. So that, regardless of how Utopian or Dystopian or society becomes, regardless of what kind of grace or turmoil we have to face due to whatever, we have a solid, unchanging doctrine from God that can guide us at any time, all the time.
I suppose that's also why, even when people around me look at me with uneasy expressions because I am the familiar stranger that seems to be struggling for the appeasement of ancient values and ideals, I always feel a sense of comfort in knowing that I am doing what I'm doing for the one and only purpose of pleasing God.
That's what Islam is about after all - the submission to the will Allah.
Why? Because he is our creator. Without him, there is nothing. How can you not be grateful to your creator - the one who has blessed you with life and everything you NEED?

Really, hijabis may seem to have it hard in the summers of Texas, and I won't lie - it's no picnic. But in that struggle to breathe and not sweat out our inner organs, there is a sense of peace and comfort. No lie, submission may not sound great at first word, but once you try it you don't want to live without what it has to offer back to you.
The grace of God.

Positive note:
It's St. Patrick's day and because of it, I saw a man in a kilt! Yes, i did lol in my head (because sometimes life is funny).

Because This Will Be Ridiculously Long and Read By Strangers

Because this will be read by strangers I have decided to post up one of my recent rambles that is in fact very personal.
I don’t care to be judged, that happens regardless. I cant promise replies to everything if anything. I'm just offering food for thought as well a chance to let me lay out a bit of my life so that it clogs my brain a little less.
------------------2/16/2010
So I've always been in favor of an arranged marriage for myself. I've never even wanted to find a husband on my own.
Think what you will, I feel like I’ve already heard it all and regardless of it all, my opinion has remained the same.
The way I see it is (thankfully) I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. they know me inside-out and i've never really had anything to hide from them. And i know that i would easily say yes to a guy if he could make me feel special enough, know the right things to say at the right time. Love is blind, I know, and that's why I've never allowed myself to fall in love (from my experience, it is surprisingly possible).
Meanwhile, my parents' criteria is detailed and well prepared for the future, to find me a husband as close to perfect as possible. Good degree, good job, personality to mesh with mine, etc. etc. So why in good sense would I say no to them?
It's not like they’re forcing me to get married. They pick a guy, our families meet, if we like each other there are more family gatherings and group dates. if we don’t like each other, its a simple no. not too complicated.
But now that I’m actually going through the process, i can see a few holes in the game plan. not many holes, but enough that we've got to pause and patch them up before moving on.
the first and foremost issue is that my father has turned a blind eye to something. what that is exactly, i cant really put my finger on - but he's put a blind eye to something. it's as if he's stopped observing and judging, stopped realizing the flaws in the matter, and is subconsciously painting over the flaws and trying to justify them.
I saw this because of the awful Sunday i experienced. Allow me to start from the beginning - roughly 2 weeks ago. You see every two weeks my roommate and i drive back home to visit our family (because we're both Asian and our parents feel odd if they don’t see us for too long - maybe I’ll explain this in a later blog).
Anyhow, so as soon as i got back on campus my dad calls me all excited and whatnot to say that there's a family interested in and i was going to meet them Sunday of the weekend we returned.
I was kind of anxious but i thought to myself - everything will be fine.
Well everything was not so fine at all. Jump ahead 2 weeks, my face is all waxed and smooth, proper clothes and pretty hijab - here i am all primped up to meet this family that was interested in me and well, i wish i hadn’t gone through the trouble.
First of all i was shocked when the parents sent us upstairs to be able to talk privately. i know i sound absolutely ridiculous and confused for saying that but i really expected, and wanted, to spend the first meeting in a family setting... regardless, at least my friend Andrea, who had spent the weekend with me, and my 16 year old brother were there too.
It...was...horrible. I was the only one asking questions.
Me: " so what's your major?"
Him: " blah blah blah...and you?"
Me: " blah blah blah, so what are your hobbies?"
Him: "blah blah blah...and you?"
*thank you for your consideration mr. 'and you?'
This is how our entire monotone conversation continued.
I tried to tell anecdotes and crack jokes - not even a pity laugh on his part. And if I didn’t say anything, well he seemed just fine with that because he didn’t take the initiative to talk at all.
The only time his face lit up was when Farhan, my brother, asked him if he was a gamer. He went into how he played his XBOX 360 and how he got this sweet system for 200 bucks on some game website...husband material? i think not.
I was so bored, and i could tell he was too. He didn’t even look like he was interested in marriage. In fact he looked like he masturbated 5 times a day to princess Zelda and was completely content with that * ah but there i go cruelly judging again* ( i know, i know - its a horrible habit)
The bottom line was that we were not attracted to each other in the slightest way. He likes being alone, in his quiet neighborhood, and is perfectly content with remaining at Center Point Energy his entire life (and i'm not saying any of this is bad, it's just not me).
Meanwhile I'm idealistic and want to move to a third world country to teach English, and man do I love the bustling city! ( I love falling asleep to the traffic noise of the highway!)
He wants a working woman (not a career woman, mind you) who will take care of his home and cook at least meals a day.
I want a man with a great sense of humor who can admire and help me achieve my goals - someone i can laugh, and debate, and even argue with and it'll be okay because we know we're committed to each other forever. someone i can be spontaneous and ridiculous with so we can get back in each other's good books whenever we hit a rough patch (cause we're bound to hit a number of rough patches).
This guy even looked down at my dreams "oh.. you’re one of those change the world people...heh"
WHAT THE FUCK!!
*Deep breath* anyhow, the problem is that after they left, and i told my uncle and dad no, well...they were more than a little disappointed.
And i was in utter shock.
Their view:
He's got a good degree, a good job. Not many friends, he's simple, doesn’t smoke - what the hell is the problem? you’re an 18 year old naive girl, how can you possibly judge him in 5 minutes? we'll be lucky if they say yes.
My view:
Every married man in our family has a good job and degree- they’re still in debt. I haven’t been raised like a queen, i know how to do without. (I would rather start poor, end poor and be happy without debt, rather than start rich, end poor with tons of debt). Not many friends= socially awkward (i was so judging), simple= boring and easily stepped on, doesn’t smoke = can he at least smoke! I may just be 18 but i know I'm not as foolish as my uncle and dad think i am. how can i judge someone in 5 minutes? because that's all it takes when you’re being straight forward. (besides, they wouldn’t question my 5 minute judgment if I’d said yes).
My dad is severely disappointed. My uncle doesn’t get it. My mom is the only one on my side (Allhamdullillah!)
My dad still thinks I'll be lucky if they say yes. I realized my dad has very little...if any..confidence in me at all. and he doesn’t listen. he completely factored out the personality meshing part of finding me a husband.
he's finding me desperate people that wont say no to me.
But what about me? I'm not desperate at all. I'm more than content - I'm happy with myself. And i've worked hard to get to where i am and continue to go in that direction. I feel like i deserve to be happy with my marriage ( or is that really too much to ask for?) I feel like i don’t deserve to settle. not yet anyways.
He's not listening.
All my life i've told him that i want to work in Pakistan and teach English in the poor villages. I have no intention of staying in America - there are too many English teachers here anyhow.
He knows I'm idealistic and revolutionary, so why is he trying to find me someone who wants to settle quietly? i can appreciate his consideration for wanting me to live like a queen, but at the same time he's known all along that i've intended to live a life of struggle.
I feel like... I give up on him and my uncle ever understanding what i want to do with my life. Its true that a lot of people are meant to work lovely simple lives but i know in my heart that i've i'm not one of them.
I cant explain how much i wish my dad didn’t think i was ugly. but he's said it point blank to me too many times for it to be anything other than the ugly truth. i wish it didn’t hurt so much every time he says it, but it does. Everything that i work to be proud of in myself, he breaks down in two days without even a little remorse because he has no idea what he's doing.
It's a miserable cycle. I build myself up, he shatters it, i recover, build myself up again, etc etc. and so it continues.
But because of this i realized that i don’t care if i don’t get married. Don’t get me wrong, i would absolutely love to get married. It's always been a dream. I've always wanted to marry an eldest son with tons of siblings so that i can get them married off and hold feasts in my house. I’ve always wanted to be best friend with my mother-in-law and drink tea with my father-in-law. and I’ve always wanted a husband that will lean on me and allow me to lean in him - thinks of me as an equal and confides in me like a best friend. I’ve always wanted it.
But i realize now that if it doesn’t happen, i wont die. I have plenty more to live for and i will be perfectly. *i can thank my dad for this epiphany*.
I know i've painted a horrible picture here and its not all to it. My dad and uncle are both great guys. I know they love me and i will always love them, and be in debt to them for all they’ve ever done for me. it’s just that on this one very sensitive topic they, and a lot of my family really. can seem unnecessarily cruel for considering me ugly and letting it show (and hey, its not like i crack mirrors or anything). Aside from this, they are all wonderful and i do love them all and i know that they love me. positively - I can them for this experience. yes, i was the guinea pig, but at least now i can offer support and direction when my younger cousins go through it(because unfortunately they will, and the least i can do is offer support).
Anyhow, my biggest conclusion is that i am not worth nothing. I deserve my happiness (i hope) and i will not compromise it for a settlement of bored, aimless, continuity.
I'm sure Fahad, the guy, will make a great husband for the right girl, but i'm not the right girl. the fact that we weren’t even a little attracted to each other - i refuse to give him my virginity or take his. neither of our parents would see grandchildren. and if our marriage would ever take place, i would drop out of college because there would be no point in it if i couldn’t do what i wanted. so no, i wont meet fahad again because i'm going to say no - its too much to compromise for nothing in return
And i'm apologizing for my own prior and previous judgments about him - we just don’t mesh and that’s that.
I'm still and advocate of arranged marriages because i still want my parents to find a son, not just a son-in-law. and i want to have their blessings when/if i do get married.
i will try to talk to my dad and uncle again, but i doubt they'll change their minds anytime soon. i could lose weight to prove myself to them but i don’t want to lose weight for anyone else but me - and i feel comfortable with myself for the time being. besides, they’re the father-figures - i shouldn’t have to prove myself for their approval. the fact that i do need to do this in this case, makes it a sure fire thing that i wont lose an ounce (rebellious much?)
I'm confiding in my mom to find me someone. at least she'll look out of race. after all, i don’t care what 3rd world country i work in, as long as i'm helping somewhere. if my husband is a Nigerian or Chinese Muslim, as long as at least he has family in the country i'll be fine (the whole point of picking Pakistan was that the rest of my family was there). and like i said, if i don’t find the right person - or rather, if my parents don’t find the right person..its no big deal.
I've been told too many times by too many people that i'm a good person and deserve a lot more. while i don’t see what’s all that great about me, i do see that I’m not horrible and would like to feel/think that i deserve this happiness.
so my stand is there, my goal is there. i apologize once again and am thankful once again. love is not to be taken for granted and i know i am loved and i love back ten-fold. and most importantly i have to forgive. i want to forgive my dad and uncle and family for breaking and belittling me. i know they don’t mean to, don’t know any better (danm cultural influence), have good intentions, and love me all the same. so god knows - forgive them all for all the pain and hurt completely. and i can pray for is that they do the same for me.
And to end on a final proper and positive note: i love sleeping. nap time - here i come!