I found out on my way to Sumera Khala's house. I was in the car with Ammara when Farhan sent me this text: Rmr zegam from danials click? He just passed away, drowned at the beach.. Were going to the hospital right now
It threw me off to say the least, but it was a weird mix of feelings. I mean, i felt shocked but at the same time, the actuality of it didn't register in my mind. I continued to talk to Ammara. went to Sumera Khala's place, everyone had found out that a kid had passed away so it was a constant mention here and there...but I think I started getting really affected when i was outside trying to get in touch with Shoaib for Murk
That's when I really had too much quiet to think..
I remember Zegham from freshman year. we didn't really talk then. really, all I knew was that he went out with murk, but I can recall that whenever i saw him, he was always smiling. and actually, that's the one thing I really liked about him - the way he smiled. because it was quite distinct from what you usually see.
Zegham smiled with his entire face. when he laughed, or was having a good time, his whole face shifted and it was quite amusing, and very warming. One of those smiles that let you know he was a friendly guy and just put you at ease.
Anyways, so freshman year we didn't talk. I just knew who he was.
fast-forward to senior year, now I saw him whenever we had an officer's meeting - Danyal would bring him all the time. That's when I actually spoke words to him.
He would offer some ideas here and there, and crack jokes. he played around with Danyal's younger sister. He joked around with me brother.
Actually, that's where Farhan and Zegham first met and talked, and became somewhere between friends and acquaintances.
After senior year I didn't see him at all. Not in person anyways.
But, and this is really odd, I saw him in a dream just maybe 2 weeks back.
I thought it was the most random thing ever.
The dream had me and Nickkie, and we were in my childhood neighborhood. I had been running through the house, which was a huge maze in my room, and I came out of the front door of our old apartment - 188. Nickkie was standing in the rain, and it was pouring cats and dogs! and I ran to her completely panicked, completely worried, yelling at the top of my lungs so she could here over the rain and thunder *there was no lightening* 'We have to save Zegham!! We have to go save him! What do we do? Where is he? We have to go save him now!!'
I don't remember Nickkie's reaction, but I remember being on the verge of tears when I yelled my last sentence out because for the first time lightening had struck and, even though I had yelled so loudly that my throat hurt, I knew Nickkie didn't hear me.
I turned away from her trying to formulate a plan, think of some way to save Zegham. and as I turned towards the Masjid, I saw him coming. he looked perfectly unharmed, and was smiling with his whole face...and as soon as I saw him lightening struck again over us, it had illuminated his face with this odd blueish-silver light.
I remember feeling so...relieved that he was alive, that he was well, that we didn't have to rescue him because he was alright.
As he was walking towards us he called out "Hey guys! Kya hua??"
Both me and Nickkie ran up to him and he started laughing because we looked absolutely ridiculous - our entire faces were dripping with rain water and tears. And Zegham laughed again and said 'Ithni paareshaani kyun? hain? mei teek hun!'
End dream.
I woke up relieved because Zegham was ok and then it struck me...how in the world did I dream about Zegham? After all this time, after not knowing him well at all, why in the world did I dream of Zegham so randomly?
I still havent figured it out - have no idea what to make of it really... but it was odd
and i feel horrible realizing now that my best memory of him, my most prominent communication and picture of him, was from a dream that flew through my mind from out of no where... - odd and sad things happen sometimes.
Now that he's gone, I wish more than anything that I could have known him better, because I know he was a great guy. I'm praying that the pain everyone is feeling is eased soon, so that they can go from missing him and thinking of his tragic death, to missing him and thinking of all the good times they had with him. Even though I didn't know him so well, I feel like that's how he would want to be remembered, because he smiled, naturally, with his whole face. and to me, that says a lot about a person.
I can see him walking down the hall, taller than all the other boys, laughing and joking. I can see him playing with Danyal's younger sister and messing around with my brother. I can see him smiling, illuminated in the blueish - silver light of lightening. I can see him in the ocean trying to swim in the night. I can see him..I can feel him going beneath the water, struggling to get back up, to tsop choking from the engulfing water and get air in his lungs. I can feel my arms tense because I can feel his arms tense as they reach up for something. I can see him in the hospital, on a bed under white sheets and white lights. I can see all his friends and everyone who knew him with shocked faces and sinking hearts. I can see Murk sobbing, thinking of what, and how, and why. I can see his parents not having any choice but to believe....
I can see him sitting next to me right now... he's got his legs up, very chill. He's reading this as I'm typing it and he's smiling with his face again. I know what he's about to say - "Ithni paareshaani kyun? hain? mei teek hun!'
He laughed with his entire face - I was right.
I wish I had known you better Zegham.
And I know this is going to sound completely insane but, I wish I could have rescued you in my dream, instead of you rescuing yourself...
You will be missed by many, and prayed for countlessly
I can't say much, or offer much, or anything much.
But know this Zegham, of all the deaths I have experienced, I have only ever cried for two people. Once for my Phuppa, and once more for you, because I did not know either of you and I wish I could have.
Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Raji'un
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Oh the ramblings one thought can evoke!
Alright I know this is an over-played topic, but I haven’t put my stance in words yet and, after all, that’s what a blog is for - so here it is:
I read this interesting blog on another site that was basically about abortion and it got me thinking - why is abortion such an easy (albeit, controversial, but nonetheless easy) thing to talk about? I guess I don’t even mean easy to talk about, more like easy to consider.
Its like abortion has become this ‘safety’ net at the back of our generation’s mind (you know, IN CASE anything happens, I can always do this).
Excuse me for being conservative in this matter but no, it’s not okay to take this ‘option’ IN CASE anything happens.
Look I cant say I’m pro-life or pro-choice because I feel like it’s not that simple. Different circumstance deserve different judgments. Of course I’m not in favor of little high school girls having sex too early, getting Prego, and then an abortion because they’re not mature enough to have a baby. I’m not in favor of chicks getting plastered, Prego due to a bad decision, and have an abortion as a bail-out. I’m not in favor of women having abortions because having a kid would ‘disrupt’ their current lifestyle. These are all common cases, all of which can be prevented by simply not having sex (and I know it’s not that simple, but we’ll get into that in a minute).
However, I can understand situations for things like rape. Why? Because rape has traumatic affects on women, physically and psychologically. That’s when I feel if a woman is giving up her child it’s because she may not be psychologically fit - no mother wants to raise their child in an environment of hate, remorse, regret, etc - especially when it’s not the child’s fault. (although in such a case I would prefer adoption, but I can understand the psychological aspect of it that would lead to an abortion).
The other case I can think of where abortion is a plausible option is in a medical condition, where it’s either the mother or the child’s life.
Other than that, it’s hard not to give harsh judgments on the ‘normal’ cases (even though we’re not supposed to be judging at all…)
What I don’t understand is, why is it SO hard to not have sex in the first place? I know it’s hard, but it’s not a life or death matter, and certainly it’s been done before be countless people.
I don’t know about you guys but I’m in firm stance on abstinence until marriage, Islam preaches it and I follow it, and it makes sense. Yes everyone wants to have sex, but it’s so much more beneficial to wait until the ring is on your finger *as the saying goes*
And quite frankly I don’t think it’s harder for guys than it is for girls to wait. In fact, I think it’s just as hard for both genders - girls just don’t admit to it as easily.
I’m waiting to get married, and especially because I expect to marry a Muslim, I expect him to wait as well. After all, our parents before us waited, and their parent before them, (and so on, and so forth) there are plenty of people in our generation that are also waiting to have sex. It’s an admirable and respectable thing to do (and religiously speaking, the right thing to do - if anything that should be enough incentive)
I don’t know, it’s weird how the world thinks now a days. Just a few decades ago people ‘courted’ and PDA was almost unheard of. Now if you read current blogs, most people seem to be in favor of pre-marital sex (how can you possibly have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t have sex with them?) pro-choice all the way, in fact there was a recent one I read where a girl wrote about one of her male friends waiting until his wedding day to have his first kiss. She said her initial thought was ‘aww’ but then realized he was crazy. She wasn’t the only one to think that way. The majority of the people who responded remarked at how ‘illogical’ and ‘unrealistic’ the notion was.
Yet here we are, with thousands of Muslims who have waited until their wedding day to actually hug a person of the opposite sex, let alone kiss and have sex. And Allhamdullillah, we still have thousands of Muslims still doing that (yes the number has decreased unfortunately, but there are Muslims who realize the value of waiting and thus do it).
Sorry, but I think you can have a perfectly healthy relationship without sex (this doesn’t go for Muslims, because Muslims aren’t SUPPOSED to have ‘relationships’ like that in the first place, you just wait - but anyways, that’s another blog)
After all, a number of our parents hadn’t even met properly before they got married - screw the hand holding, the hugging, the kissing, the sex (play on words, haha) and so far as I’ve seen their relationships are perfectly healthy, perfectly promising. Excuse me for sounding prudish, but I think I’ll follow their, and their ancestor’s examples first, before I turn to the generations of now that have a higher divorce rate than ever.
ANYWAYS, completely went off on a different tangent, but I guess that’s what happens when you think and right at the same time - haha
So, my stand stays: Abortion is a serious action to take, regardless of how early it is considered and done. At the least, it will have some psychological affect on the woman.
Thus, I am almost completely not in favor it. But like I said before there are enough of those varying circumstances that don’t allow me to choose a simple black and white pro-life or pro-choice.
I’m just saying, yeah you want sex. Yeah everyone sex. Yeah everyone is not having sex. Resisting is hard, but waiting it out is definitely worth it.
On a positive note: going home this weekend thanks to Natasha! can't wait to weed through my closet and start organizing! - but you never thought you'd hear that from me! xD
I read this interesting blog on another site that was basically about abortion and it got me thinking - why is abortion such an easy (albeit, controversial, but nonetheless easy) thing to talk about? I guess I don’t even mean easy to talk about, more like easy to consider.
Its like abortion has become this ‘safety’ net at the back of our generation’s mind (you know, IN CASE anything happens, I can always do this).
Excuse me for being conservative in this matter but no, it’s not okay to take this ‘option’ IN CASE anything happens.
Look I cant say I’m pro-life or pro-choice because I feel like it’s not that simple. Different circumstance deserve different judgments. Of course I’m not in favor of little high school girls having sex too early, getting Prego, and then an abortion because they’re not mature enough to have a baby. I’m not in favor of chicks getting plastered, Prego due to a bad decision, and have an abortion as a bail-out. I’m not in favor of women having abortions because having a kid would ‘disrupt’ their current lifestyle. These are all common cases, all of which can be prevented by simply not having sex (and I know it’s not that simple, but we’ll get into that in a minute).
However, I can understand situations for things like rape. Why? Because rape has traumatic affects on women, physically and psychologically. That’s when I feel if a woman is giving up her child it’s because she may not be psychologically fit - no mother wants to raise their child in an environment of hate, remorse, regret, etc - especially when it’s not the child’s fault. (although in such a case I would prefer adoption, but I can understand the psychological aspect of it that would lead to an abortion).
The other case I can think of where abortion is a plausible option is in a medical condition, where it’s either the mother or the child’s life.
Other than that, it’s hard not to give harsh judgments on the ‘normal’ cases (even though we’re not supposed to be judging at all…)
What I don’t understand is, why is it SO hard to not have sex in the first place? I know it’s hard, but it’s not a life or death matter, and certainly it’s been done before be countless people.
I don’t know about you guys but I’m in firm stance on abstinence until marriage, Islam preaches it and I follow it, and it makes sense. Yes everyone wants to have sex, but it’s so much more beneficial to wait until the ring is on your finger *as the saying goes*
And quite frankly I don’t think it’s harder for guys than it is for girls to wait. In fact, I think it’s just as hard for both genders - girls just don’t admit to it as easily.
I’m waiting to get married, and especially because I expect to marry a Muslim, I expect him to wait as well. After all, our parents before us waited, and their parent before them, (and so on, and so forth) there are plenty of people in our generation that are also waiting to have sex. It’s an admirable and respectable thing to do (and religiously speaking, the right thing to do - if anything that should be enough incentive)
I don’t know, it’s weird how the world thinks now a days. Just a few decades ago people ‘courted’ and PDA was almost unheard of. Now if you read current blogs, most people seem to be in favor of pre-marital sex (how can you possibly have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t have sex with them?) pro-choice all the way, in fact there was a recent one I read where a girl wrote about one of her male friends waiting until his wedding day to have his first kiss. She said her initial thought was ‘aww’ but then realized he was crazy. She wasn’t the only one to think that way. The majority of the people who responded remarked at how ‘illogical’ and ‘unrealistic’ the notion was.
Yet here we are, with thousands of Muslims who have waited until their wedding day to actually hug a person of the opposite sex, let alone kiss and have sex. And Allhamdullillah, we still have thousands of Muslims still doing that (yes the number has decreased unfortunately, but there are Muslims who realize the value of waiting and thus do it).
Sorry, but I think you can have a perfectly healthy relationship without sex (this doesn’t go for Muslims, because Muslims aren’t SUPPOSED to have ‘relationships’ like that in the first place, you just wait - but anyways, that’s another blog)
After all, a number of our parents hadn’t even met properly before they got married - screw the hand holding, the hugging, the kissing, the sex (play on words, haha) and so far as I’ve seen their relationships are perfectly healthy, perfectly promising. Excuse me for sounding prudish, but I think I’ll follow their, and their ancestor’s examples first, before I turn to the generations of now that have a higher divorce rate than ever.
ANYWAYS, completely went off on a different tangent, but I guess that’s what happens when you think and right at the same time - haha
So, my stand stays: Abortion is a serious action to take, regardless of how early it is considered and done. At the least, it will have some psychological affect on the woman.
Thus, I am almost completely not in favor it. But like I said before there are enough of those varying circumstances that don’t allow me to choose a simple black and white pro-life or pro-choice.
I’m just saying, yeah you want sex. Yeah everyone sex. Yeah everyone is not having sex. Resisting is hard, but waiting it out is definitely worth it.
On a positive note: going home this weekend thanks to Natasha! can't wait to weed through my closet and start organizing! - but you never thought you'd hear that from me! xD
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I started sweating and started thinking profound thoughts...
So every one's enjoying the nice weather outside today. It's sunny! It's warm! It's beautiful!
It's an oven hell baking me at 350 degrees, nice and slowly so i turn nice and orange, and every nerve of mine is coated by agitation.
..Needless to reiterate (but i shall) that this is NOT good weather for hijabis.
However, (here's where the profound thinking comes in) I remembered all the other hijabis who must be suffering in this lovely bi-polar manner of Texas and, oddly, i felt comforted knowing i wasn't the only one who was probably becoming mortal enemies with the sun.
It's a concept I learned a few years back, that acts as a comforting blanket in the back of my mind. That is: Muslims are strangers to the world. We fit in with society, with culture, with our fellow peers - but not perfectly. We are a little different, always have been, always will be. That's what comes with being a Muslim. You fit in, but not completely. There is always something that sets you apart from everyone else.
Not that it's a bad thing. I quite enjoy my uniqueness. Especially at a private Baptist school - it's fun (and a little flattering) to hear I'm the first, or one of the few, approachable Muslims a person has met. That's especially when I know I'm a welcomed...accepted...familiar...yeah lets go with familiar
-That's especially when I know I'm a familiar stranger.
People may hear this and feel slightly uneasy. I understand. The uneasiness is usually because Islam tends to cause Muslims to deviate away from a number of the current norms of current society. In fact, so far as I have observed, a lot of people feel that religion should mold to its followers - to fit their life style and perspectives. Religion should be mold able to form the comfort and safety shape we want it to. So people feel uneasy when they hear Muslims and their 'struggle.'
The thing is, Islam doesn't work that way. We don't believe that religion should mold to humans, because humans can (and often are) wrong, or misguided, or mistaken (take your pick of a synonym).
In Islam, people mold to the religion. We don't pick the shape of our comfort and safety nets, we see it as it is and either choose to mold to it. (Or you can turn away from it, but then that's not following Islam so that's a whole other post for later).
Anyhow - as Muslims we believe that the rules, regulations, laws, rights, etc. etc. set in Islam are set by God, and thus permanent - regardless of societal, cultural, whatever changes. Because these things are constantly changing - culture and societal preferences are not meant to be permanent. They are recorded in history with every turn as evidence of the progression (or decline, however you take it) of our human race.
So how can factors that are constantly changing, constantly will be changing, not meant to be permanent - decide our faith, which should remain permanently steadfast in us - once we choose to accept it - ?
Thus, Islam is here to offer us a permanent set rights and morals. So that, regardless of how Utopian or Dystopian or society becomes, regardless of what kind of grace or turmoil we have to face due to whatever, we have a solid, unchanging doctrine from God that can guide us at any time, all the time.
I suppose that's also why, even when people around me look at me with uneasy expressions because I am the familiar stranger that seems to be struggling for the appeasement of ancient values and ideals, I always feel a sense of comfort in knowing that I am doing what I'm doing for the one and only purpose of pleasing God.
That's what Islam is about after all - the submission to the will Allah.
Why? Because he is our creator. Without him, there is nothing. How can you not be grateful to your creator - the one who has blessed you with life and everything you NEED?
Really, hijabis may seem to have it hard in the summers of Texas, and I won't lie - it's no picnic. But in that struggle to breathe and not sweat out our inner organs, there is a sense of peace and comfort. No lie, submission may not sound great at first word, but once you try it you don't want to live without what it has to offer back to you.
The grace of God.
Positive note:
It's St. Patrick's day and because of it, I saw a man in a kilt! Yes, i did lol in my head (because sometimes life is funny).
It's an oven hell baking me at 350 degrees, nice and slowly so i turn nice and orange, and every nerve of mine is coated by agitation.
..Needless to reiterate (but i shall) that this is NOT good weather for hijabis.
However, (here's where the profound thinking comes in) I remembered all the other hijabis who must be suffering in this lovely bi-polar manner of Texas and, oddly, i felt comforted knowing i wasn't the only one who was probably becoming mortal enemies with the sun.
It's a concept I learned a few years back, that acts as a comforting blanket in the back of my mind. That is: Muslims are strangers to the world. We fit in with society, with culture, with our fellow peers - but not perfectly. We are a little different, always have been, always will be. That's what comes with being a Muslim. You fit in, but not completely. There is always something that sets you apart from everyone else.
Not that it's a bad thing. I quite enjoy my uniqueness. Especially at a private Baptist school - it's fun (and a little flattering) to hear I'm the first, or one of the few, approachable Muslims a person has met. That's especially when I know I'm a welcomed...accepted...familiar...yeah lets go with familiar
-That's especially when I know I'm a familiar stranger.
People may hear this and feel slightly uneasy. I understand. The uneasiness is usually because Islam tends to cause Muslims to deviate away from a number of the current norms of current society. In fact, so far as I have observed, a lot of people feel that religion should mold to its followers - to fit their life style and perspectives. Religion should be mold able to form the comfort and safety shape we want it to. So people feel uneasy when they hear Muslims and their 'struggle.'
The thing is, Islam doesn't work that way. We don't believe that religion should mold to humans, because humans can (and often are) wrong, or misguided, or mistaken (take your pick of a synonym).
In Islam, people mold to the religion. We don't pick the shape of our comfort and safety nets, we see it as it is and either choose to mold to it. (Or you can turn away from it, but then that's not following Islam so that's a whole other post for later).
Anyhow - as Muslims we believe that the rules, regulations, laws, rights, etc. etc. set in Islam are set by God, and thus permanent - regardless of societal, cultural, whatever changes. Because these things are constantly changing - culture and societal preferences are not meant to be permanent. They are recorded in history with every turn as evidence of the progression (or decline, however you take it) of our human race.
So how can factors that are constantly changing, constantly will be changing, not meant to be permanent - decide our faith, which should remain permanently steadfast in us - once we choose to accept it - ?
Thus, Islam is here to offer us a permanent set rights and morals. So that, regardless of how Utopian or Dystopian or society becomes, regardless of what kind of grace or turmoil we have to face due to whatever, we have a solid, unchanging doctrine from God that can guide us at any time, all the time.
I suppose that's also why, even when people around me look at me with uneasy expressions because I am the familiar stranger that seems to be struggling for the appeasement of ancient values and ideals, I always feel a sense of comfort in knowing that I am doing what I'm doing for the one and only purpose of pleasing God.
That's what Islam is about after all - the submission to the will Allah.
Why? Because he is our creator. Without him, there is nothing. How can you not be grateful to your creator - the one who has blessed you with life and everything you NEED?
Really, hijabis may seem to have it hard in the summers of Texas, and I won't lie - it's no picnic. But in that struggle to breathe and not sweat out our inner organs, there is a sense of peace and comfort. No lie, submission may not sound great at first word, but once you try it you don't want to live without what it has to offer back to you.
The grace of God.
Positive note:
It's St. Patrick's day and because of it, I saw a man in a kilt! Yes, i did lol in my head (because sometimes life is funny).
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