Because This Will Be Ridiculously Long and Read By Strangers

Because this will be read by strangers I have decided to post up one of my recent rambles that is in fact very personal.
I don’t care to be judged, that happens regardless. I cant promise replies to everything if anything. I'm just offering food for thought as well a chance to let me lay out a bit of my life so that it clogs my brain a little less.
------------------2/16/2010
So I've always been in favor of an arranged marriage for myself. I've never even wanted to find a husband on my own.
Think what you will, I feel like I’ve already heard it all and regardless of it all, my opinion has remained the same.
The way I see it is (thankfully) I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. they know me inside-out and i've never really had anything to hide from them. And i know that i would easily say yes to a guy if he could make me feel special enough, know the right things to say at the right time. Love is blind, I know, and that's why I've never allowed myself to fall in love (from my experience, it is surprisingly possible).
Meanwhile, my parents' criteria is detailed and well prepared for the future, to find me a husband as close to perfect as possible. Good degree, good job, personality to mesh with mine, etc. etc. So why in good sense would I say no to them?
It's not like they’re forcing me to get married. They pick a guy, our families meet, if we like each other there are more family gatherings and group dates. if we don’t like each other, its a simple no. not too complicated.
But now that I’m actually going through the process, i can see a few holes in the game plan. not many holes, but enough that we've got to pause and patch them up before moving on.
the first and foremost issue is that my father has turned a blind eye to something. what that is exactly, i cant really put my finger on - but he's put a blind eye to something. it's as if he's stopped observing and judging, stopped realizing the flaws in the matter, and is subconsciously painting over the flaws and trying to justify them.
I saw this because of the awful Sunday i experienced. Allow me to start from the beginning - roughly 2 weeks ago. You see every two weeks my roommate and i drive back home to visit our family (because we're both Asian and our parents feel odd if they don’t see us for too long - maybe I’ll explain this in a later blog).
Anyhow, so as soon as i got back on campus my dad calls me all excited and whatnot to say that there's a family interested in and i was going to meet them Sunday of the weekend we returned.
I was kind of anxious but i thought to myself - everything will be fine.
Well everything was not so fine at all. Jump ahead 2 weeks, my face is all waxed and smooth, proper clothes and pretty hijab - here i am all primped up to meet this family that was interested in me and well, i wish i hadn’t gone through the trouble.
First of all i was shocked when the parents sent us upstairs to be able to talk privately. i know i sound absolutely ridiculous and confused for saying that but i really expected, and wanted, to spend the first meeting in a family setting... regardless, at least my friend Andrea, who had spent the weekend with me, and my 16 year old brother were there too.
It...was...horrible. I was the only one asking questions.
Me: " so what's your major?"
Him: " blah blah blah...and you?"
Me: " blah blah blah, so what are your hobbies?"
Him: "blah blah blah...and you?"
*thank you for your consideration mr. 'and you?'
This is how our entire monotone conversation continued.
I tried to tell anecdotes and crack jokes - not even a pity laugh on his part. And if I didn’t say anything, well he seemed just fine with that because he didn’t take the initiative to talk at all.
The only time his face lit up was when Farhan, my brother, asked him if he was a gamer. He went into how he played his XBOX 360 and how he got this sweet system for 200 bucks on some game website...husband material? i think not.
I was so bored, and i could tell he was too. He didn’t even look like he was interested in marriage. In fact he looked like he masturbated 5 times a day to princess Zelda and was completely content with that * ah but there i go cruelly judging again* ( i know, i know - its a horrible habit)
The bottom line was that we were not attracted to each other in the slightest way. He likes being alone, in his quiet neighborhood, and is perfectly content with remaining at Center Point Energy his entire life (and i'm not saying any of this is bad, it's just not me).
Meanwhile I'm idealistic and want to move to a third world country to teach English, and man do I love the bustling city! ( I love falling asleep to the traffic noise of the highway!)
He wants a working woman (not a career woman, mind you) who will take care of his home and cook at least meals a day.
I want a man with a great sense of humor who can admire and help me achieve my goals - someone i can laugh, and debate, and even argue with and it'll be okay because we know we're committed to each other forever. someone i can be spontaneous and ridiculous with so we can get back in each other's good books whenever we hit a rough patch (cause we're bound to hit a number of rough patches).
This guy even looked down at my dreams "oh.. you’re one of those change the world people...heh"
WHAT THE FUCK!!
*Deep breath* anyhow, the problem is that after they left, and i told my uncle and dad no, well...they were more than a little disappointed.
And i was in utter shock.
Their view:
He's got a good degree, a good job. Not many friends, he's simple, doesn’t smoke - what the hell is the problem? you’re an 18 year old naive girl, how can you possibly judge him in 5 minutes? we'll be lucky if they say yes.
My view:
Every married man in our family has a good job and degree- they’re still in debt. I haven’t been raised like a queen, i know how to do without. (I would rather start poor, end poor and be happy without debt, rather than start rich, end poor with tons of debt). Not many friends= socially awkward (i was so judging), simple= boring and easily stepped on, doesn’t smoke = can he at least smoke! I may just be 18 but i know I'm not as foolish as my uncle and dad think i am. how can i judge someone in 5 minutes? because that's all it takes when you’re being straight forward. (besides, they wouldn’t question my 5 minute judgment if I’d said yes).
My dad is severely disappointed. My uncle doesn’t get it. My mom is the only one on my side (Allhamdullillah!)
My dad still thinks I'll be lucky if they say yes. I realized my dad has very little...if any..confidence in me at all. and he doesn’t listen. he completely factored out the personality meshing part of finding me a husband.
he's finding me desperate people that wont say no to me.
But what about me? I'm not desperate at all. I'm more than content - I'm happy with myself. And i've worked hard to get to where i am and continue to go in that direction. I feel like i deserve to be happy with my marriage ( or is that really too much to ask for?) I feel like i don’t deserve to settle. not yet anyways.
He's not listening.
All my life i've told him that i want to work in Pakistan and teach English in the poor villages. I have no intention of staying in America - there are too many English teachers here anyhow.
He knows I'm idealistic and revolutionary, so why is he trying to find me someone who wants to settle quietly? i can appreciate his consideration for wanting me to live like a queen, but at the same time he's known all along that i've intended to live a life of struggle.
I feel like... I give up on him and my uncle ever understanding what i want to do with my life. Its true that a lot of people are meant to work lovely simple lives but i know in my heart that i've i'm not one of them.
I cant explain how much i wish my dad didn’t think i was ugly. but he's said it point blank to me too many times for it to be anything other than the ugly truth. i wish it didn’t hurt so much every time he says it, but it does. Everything that i work to be proud of in myself, he breaks down in two days without even a little remorse because he has no idea what he's doing.
It's a miserable cycle. I build myself up, he shatters it, i recover, build myself up again, etc etc. and so it continues.
But because of this i realized that i don’t care if i don’t get married. Don’t get me wrong, i would absolutely love to get married. It's always been a dream. I've always wanted to marry an eldest son with tons of siblings so that i can get them married off and hold feasts in my house. I’ve always wanted to be best friend with my mother-in-law and drink tea with my father-in-law. and I’ve always wanted a husband that will lean on me and allow me to lean in him - thinks of me as an equal and confides in me like a best friend. I’ve always wanted it.
But i realize now that if it doesn’t happen, i wont die. I have plenty more to live for and i will be perfectly. *i can thank my dad for this epiphany*.
I know i've painted a horrible picture here and its not all to it. My dad and uncle are both great guys. I know they love me and i will always love them, and be in debt to them for all they’ve ever done for me. it’s just that on this one very sensitive topic they, and a lot of my family really. can seem unnecessarily cruel for considering me ugly and letting it show (and hey, its not like i crack mirrors or anything). Aside from this, they are all wonderful and i do love them all and i know that they love me. positively - I can them for this experience. yes, i was the guinea pig, but at least now i can offer support and direction when my younger cousins go through it(because unfortunately they will, and the least i can do is offer support).
Anyhow, my biggest conclusion is that i am not worth nothing. I deserve my happiness (i hope) and i will not compromise it for a settlement of bored, aimless, continuity.
I'm sure Fahad, the guy, will make a great husband for the right girl, but i'm not the right girl. the fact that we weren’t even a little attracted to each other - i refuse to give him my virginity or take his. neither of our parents would see grandchildren. and if our marriage would ever take place, i would drop out of college because there would be no point in it if i couldn’t do what i wanted. so no, i wont meet fahad again because i'm going to say no - its too much to compromise for nothing in return
And i'm apologizing for my own prior and previous judgments about him - we just don’t mesh and that’s that.
I'm still and advocate of arranged marriages because i still want my parents to find a son, not just a son-in-law. and i want to have their blessings when/if i do get married.
i will try to talk to my dad and uncle again, but i doubt they'll change their minds anytime soon. i could lose weight to prove myself to them but i don’t want to lose weight for anyone else but me - and i feel comfortable with myself for the time being. besides, they’re the father-figures - i shouldn’t have to prove myself for their approval. the fact that i do need to do this in this case, makes it a sure fire thing that i wont lose an ounce (rebellious much?)
I'm confiding in my mom to find me someone. at least she'll look out of race. after all, i don’t care what 3rd world country i work in, as long as i'm helping somewhere. if my husband is a Nigerian or Chinese Muslim, as long as at least he has family in the country i'll be fine (the whole point of picking Pakistan was that the rest of my family was there). and like i said, if i don’t find the right person - or rather, if my parents don’t find the right person..its no big deal.
I've been told too many times by too many people that i'm a good person and deserve a lot more. while i don’t see what’s all that great about me, i do see that I’m not horrible and would like to feel/think that i deserve this happiness.
so my stand is there, my goal is there. i apologize once again and am thankful once again. love is not to be taken for granted and i know i am loved and i love back ten-fold. and most importantly i have to forgive. i want to forgive my dad and uncle and family for breaking and belittling me. i know they don’t mean to, don’t know any better (danm cultural influence), have good intentions, and love me all the same. so god knows - forgive them all for all the pain and hurt completely. and i can pray for is that they do the same for me.
And to end on a final proper and positive note: i love sleeping. nap time - here i come!