He was an amazing person. One of the best kind to walk the earth.

Before I begin I have to excuse myself, and I hope you will too. I've had the plague for the past few days and my thought process is not up to usual speed. I have actually been trying to type this post since 4:30pm yesterday but nothing seems to be cooperating inside me. In any case, this is a an apology beforehand, for the scattery nature of this post. Also as a heads up, you should know, this post is of a more serious nature than usual. Now, onward.

Yesterday one of my father's best friends passed away.
Inna Lillaahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Raaji'oon.

We had known that his final time was approaching. Just over a week ago the doctors said he had between 3 days and 3 weeks. I think everyone put a shield over their hearts with that news so that when it did happen...well I don't know. It's never easier but we're human. We do what we think will make it easier even when we know, the passing is hard no matter what.

I know I definitely put in efforts to make this time easier.
You see, Gulam Uncle had had a stroke, I want to say about 3 years ago. His body was paralyzed, practically 90%. I know his family was in shambles.
The doctors didn't give him more than 1-2 months to live, but Mashallah, he pulled through for over a year.
However, in that year, I think I may have been the only person who had not gone to visit him. Not even once.
I know, it sounds very heartless. And if I have to be honest with myself, it was a purely selfish decision. My dad had gone to see him as soon as he received word of the stroke and when we came back, he seemed to have aged 10 more years in the span of a few hours.
There was depression written in the lines of his face, and I felt like I could hear the melancholy wheels turning in his head.

Abu described Gulam Uncle as a completely different man from the one in my memories.
The Gulam Uncle of my childhood was tall and sturdy. He was the strength and provider in his house. Gulam Uncle was always lively - always joking, laughing and smiling. He had two daughters when we all lived in the same neighborhood, and those little girls gave him the sweetest disposition. I honestly can't recall ever seeing him angry or upset. Gulam Uncle just always created an air of goodness, naturally.
But this was a far cry from the man Abu described.
When he had gone to see him that day, Gulam Uncle was very...tired. Abu said that he was still smiling and joking, but that there was tiredness on his face that refused to go.
Gulam Uncle was worried, and scared. And I know that no matter how much he may have tried, that was something he couldn't conceal.
And all this, it really affected Abu as well.
Abu couldn't believe that someone like Gulam Uncle, someone so strong and firm, could be brought down so hard. I think every time Abu went to visit Gulam Uncle after that, he came back with the same awe and disbelief from the first time. He just couldn't believe it. It made him more concerned for his health too.
I think all fathers have this sense of being the stone walls and foundation of their families. That no matter what, they can do anything, and will do anything to protect their families and that nothing can stop them from doing that.
And so for Abu to see Gulam Uncle rendered completely bed-ridden, well it gave Abu a harsh bit of reality to deal with.

All of that, all of that is why I couldn't bring myself to visit Gulam Uncle even once.
I couldn't handle the thought of replacing the Gulam Uncle from my childhood, with the one from present time.

My first memory of him was when I was 6 years old. I joined him, Gulam Uncle, and my father on a fish trip. We spent the whole day going from one pier to another fishing and enjoying the weather. I was so excited because I was the only kid who went with them, and on our trip I caught 4 little fishys and man, I just felt like the coolest little person ever.
After this memory I have little scarps of Gulam Uncle. He and my father were always very close, and that naturally made him a father-figure in my eyes.

I didn't want to see Gulam Uncle after his stroke because I knew that the Gulam Uncle who lived and the Gulam Uncle who was sick were practically two different people. I didn't want to remember Gulam Uncle as ill and bed-ridden, I wanted to remember him as the fun-loving father that I knew him to be.
And I think I succeeded in that.
I don't have the same image of Gulam Uncle in my head that most other people have.
When I hear someone talking about Gulam Uncle, the pictures that come to my mind are of our fishing trip. And of Eid namaz. And dinner parties and late night games of karem board and cards. I remember him being able to pick up his daughters in one fluent swoop, and laughing and talking with his booming voice.
That is the Gulam Uncle that I will always remember.

He was always in our prayers, but even so I know Gulam Uncle suffered a lot through this past year. And with him I know his three daughters and wife suffered as much in heartache.
I know as humans we have a tendency to question why the good people in life suffer the most.
But growing up in a Muslim household, we were always taught that God's greatest servants, are the ones that are tested the hardest.
I believe Abu and I have the same perspective, and it gives us the same hope - that the fact that Gulam Uncle suffered so much means that Allah never forgot him. That Inshallah, this past year gave him a straight ticket to Jannah, Inshallah.

Now it's the people who are alive that I feel more sorry for. A person passed, is a person passed. They will be missed, but they are part of the mystery of the after-life now. The people alive however, they have to adjust without someone very dear to them.
I know Gulam Uncle's wife and daughters will be kept in many people's duas, and there will be many people who will put forward the efforts to take care of them Inshallah.
But I know none of that will make up for this immense loss. I can't begin to imagine what they have had to go through. His wife stood by his side, unwavering, the entire time.
They had the knowledge that Gulam Uncle's time was coming to an end, and they continued to make memories with him, and care for him and each other.
They are a family to be admired, truly.

Inshallah they will be taken care of, and Inshallah Gulam Uncle is Jannah bound.
Ameen.