Those awkward meetings before you get married - and the craziness when it doesn't go through!

So I've had this blog in my mind since the last weekend but I just haven't gotten around to getting it down on the screen. If you're reading this you should know, we are definitely about to delve into some personal stuff (just a heads up, which is also why it's so damn long!)

Background story - ok so i recently had a proposal on my table and it disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared. Technically speaking, I was rejected. Honestly speaking, the guy and I knew this wasn't going to happen when we started talking. Now that's all fine and dandy - but not what the problem was. The problem was when I came home and was chastised for - quote unquote - "talking to much."

A number of my family members had the opinion (which was relayed to me both directly and indirectly) that i had talked too much, that I had scared the guy off, and that next time I shouldn't be 'allowed' to talk so much. They are of the opinion that next time my mother should not give me so much freedom... The reason for these opinions? Pure Pakistani culture...Culture....Cuuultuure...[Not religion -we 'bout to get into that]

You see in Paki culture, girls are supposed to be all quiet and prim and proper. Pretty little wallflowers that are born to serve. these fictional lovely ladies are trained to let the monster out after they're married. Surprise attack ya'll. but I'm from a Paki family, thus my unwallflower-like and honest ways have gone unappreciated. -sigh--haha, don't i sound self-righteous xD-

Unfortunately, the Paki concept of an arranged marriage is completely warped (ok, dramatically exaggerating a little bit here, but my point stands valid!). It's talk 2 times (and thats pushing it) and then take the plunge! Congratulations if it worked for you but, welcome to the 21st century. Where everybody is exposed to sex, drugs, and alcohol and their momma's still think their child is an uncorrupted angel. Lemme tell you now - what a load of bull. There's a reason we've been given certain rights in Islam (here i think it's to weed out the nuts and kooks). An arranged marriage is a collaboration between parents and children - all parties work together and say yes. They do not set out-of-date, culturally warped limits on each other - [Thank God for my mother. In a world of crazy, I can always depend on her to understand, even if we disagree sometimes].

I feel like my own family members are confusing speaking, with immodesty (oh these overwhelming cultural precedents). Nor is it dating! If you're not meeting alone, you're not touching, and you're not talking inappropriately, I'd say you're in the clear. And just an Fyi, this guy and I exchanged messages on facebook - that's it! No phone talk. No meeting. We didn't add each other as friends, just talked in a private message. If you're doing it right, it doesn't get much safer than that! Honestly speaking, immediate personal meetings scare me, cause then everybody and their mommas is up in your business (lame joke intended).

ANYWAYS! xD

So the lessons i was given were that girls should not talk too much. We shouldn't ask so many questions - otherwise we'll scare the guy away. And, this is not how "we" do it.

My first counter question is - who's "we"? I've noticed in my own family and others, that parents have quite a difficult time separating culture and religion. They do not understand that they are not one in the same thing. Talking urdu, and wearing salwar kamiz does not a Muslim make. Since when were the traditions in Paki so perfect that they could be set in stone? Having visited there I can give a quick first-hand example of what Islam in Pakistan is: Young ladies, you should step out the house with a duppatta on your head. Do not talk to men. Oh! But don't you dare walk out in those loose clothes! Nice and fitting. Don't forget a smudge of lipstick. Now thats what i call a Muslim girl.

I'm asking in all seriousness -- WHAT!?!

Now beyond that, came the chastising lessons that are the cause of this rant. How the hell do you ask too many questions?! I'm pretty sure, I'm willing to bet my right arm, there's no such thing in Islam. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrnjYYuDfXs] <-- I swear to you, this man knows how to say it better than anyone else! Islam gives you the right to ask the questions you need, to get to know the person until you feel comfortable marrying them. Yes, this is an Islamic right. I thought about why my outspokenness may have unnerved some of my family members and I realized, it's because none of them have ever been in my position.

-Getting up close and personal- you see, I have PCO (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). What does this mean? Well in a nutshell, it means there is a milky film full of little cysts covering my ovaries, resulting in my hormones and menstrual cycles being out of whack. Due to this PCO, the number of children I can have is limited because I don't know how my body will change after marriage. And during pregnancy. (Allhamdullillah, I can have kids but I cant pop out no football team).

No, it's not a bad thing. No, its not in my control. And no, I am not ashamed of this dysfunction because God gave it to me and it's not in my hands. Its a test I have to pass, and a conversation I have to have. Bef0re I get married. In Islam if you have a medical condition, health issues, sex issue, and anything else that will effect you and your other half after marriage, you have to talk about it before you get married. You are obligated to have these conversations before you get married, because a marriage is certainly not to begin with dishonesty and hidden facts.

Allhamdullillah none of my family here has had these issues, before or after they got married.

But that is why they cannot understand how hard this conversation will be for me to have. But I have to have it, both Islamically and personally speaking. And this means whoever I'm talking to, well we'll need to talk a lot, and get fairly comfortable with the idea of marrying each other before I can have a conversation like this with him. (Believe me, typing this out is a lot easier than talking, especially when it's in scientific terms rather than emotional, but the conversation is gonna happen Inshallah).

In Pakistan, even if a girl does have these issues, they're not talked about before marriage for fear of scaring a guy off. First of all that's un-Islamic. Second, why in the world would you want to marry someone of such weak character?

As mentioned before, that was a point of chastisement in my case. To this I have concluded, if I scare him off, he wasn't meant for me. I know what kind of guy I should be walking up the aisle for (so to speak) and it's not someone who's quiet and un-social (cause all of us know at least some characteristic our spouse will need in them to be able to share their live with us and vice-versa.) And it's not someone who cant take me for who I am, flaws and all. Because I'd accept him for who he is, flaws and all. After all, no one is perfect. If I'm "rejected" because i have PCO then he is definitely not worth my time. To me that's as bad as saying no to someone because theyhave type 1 diabetes, or because they're of a different race. No - because of things they cant control. No - because of things God gave them. Talk about ignorance. Not in my spouse, thank you!

A personal motto I run by when it comes to this marriage business: If he can fight with me, he can handle me. [Now that's what I call a match made in heavn!]

I think it's ridiculous to blame someone for getting rejected. Or get mad at them for saying no. Are we supposed to marry the first proposal that comes along, eyes closed?! And I think it's just silly to get mad at a girl for being straight forward instead of beating around the bush. Ridiculous I tell you!

Parents need to realize that yes, they are raising their kids in a Paki manner, and thats great and all. But if they're being raised here, they are whole-heartedly American, and they will grow to realize that religion is right and that culture is always changing thus lacks complete stability and validity. I say to parents in the famous words of Scarf from the Lion King - 'Be Prepared!'

I figure I sound pretty RAWR after all this, I genuinely don't mean to. Certain circumstances and results had me wound up for some time. (I mean, the reason the 'advice' bugged me so much in the first place is because my family means so much to me. Even if I try not to, I cant help but care about what is said.) But now that I have it out of my system, I admit, I am very grateful to have been born in a Paki house. Because it's allowed me to learn so much. And i love all my family fro caring and getting concerned in their own way. I know where they're coming from and really, its a learning process for all of us. I just happen to be the first, so it's a little more challenging to match up view points.

Thats the thing, my brother and I are the oldest, and thus the experimental guinea pigs in our family. -lol, we don't mind though.- Because we branch out first, think out load first, we inevitably face the harshest consequences. But the youngin's are getting older, and learning. They'll be asking "why" for the big questions, and soon realize that 2+2 is not fish. And like my parents, their parents will adjust to that and hopefully come to have a great relationship with their kids, the way my parents do Allhamdullillah.

But Inshallah if my brother and I can manage to break a couple of these hindrances, things will be easier for our younger cousins.

Anyways, it's tough right now. And I expect it t get tougher. But Inshallah it'll all be worth it. Believe me, Islam ain't that hard ya'll. Sometimes, people just make it hard without even realizing it.

Warning: It's Kind of a Rant

I read a status on facebook that's got me thinking. I wont copy-paste the status because I feel like that would be a privacy violation, but the gist of it was that a Muslim brother said he thought wearing tights in public was stupid because it's like being naked while wearing clothes - sure youre covered, but does it matter if the world can still see the shape of your body?

I was very surprised to see that the comments, from other Muslims were bashing the original poster, saying he had no right to judge, etc etc. When the Muslim women replied, it was blatantly obvious that they were offended by this status, and went on to defend themselves.

Here's where I got thinking - why are the Muslim women so offended?

ok, I understand no one has the right to judge another (although the fact of the matter is, we all judge). And i admit, the wording in the status was harsh. But do I disagree with it? No.

One of the women that replied wrote on about how she prays, she fasts, etc. etc. and messages like this are very discouraging to her and all Muslim women alike. She also wrote that women should be approached with gentleness if change is wanted, and that the Muslim brother shouldn't look in the first place if it bothers him.

Being a Muslim woman myself, I have to say I disagree.

(Be warned, here comes the long tangent)

I dont know if youve noticed but if you ever say something religiously critical, whether it is directed at someone or not, the people around you will get defensive. The 'I pray, I fast, I am a Muslim' argument is quite over used. What i dont understand is, why do people think this a defense?

People need to learn to separate personal actions from public actions and realize they are two different things, that dont necessarily stand up for the other.

You praying and fasting has nothing to do with the topic. Why? Because that is strictly between you and Allah. Whether you pray or not, no one will know unless you tell them. Whether you are fasting or not, no one will know unless you tell them (or unless you eat right in front of everyone).

But the what you wear - everyone sees that.

How you act - everyone observes that.

And you know what, everyone, Muslim or not, will judge.

And I feel like saying he shouldnt look has no validity. You have to look where youre going, and you cant help if every other woman that crosses your path is in tights. I actually feel a little better knowing there is a Muslim brother out there who, when he comes across a Muslim woman actually feel angry disappointed and concerned enough to let it bother him. I feel better knowing that he is not one of the many men who will look at a woman who displaying her body and think lustful thoughts, however briefly. Thank you for caring? (Indeed).

I think, if you are old enough that you can choose your religion, you are old enough to realize you need to follow the religion properly.

If you are a hijabi, and youre out with your head covered but with your body and legs still showing because youre dressing inappropriately and your clothes are too tight, well then I have to ask - what are you doing?

If youre a Muslima, and you have made the decision to represent your religion to the world, for the love of Allah do it right!

-Back to the status-

Like I said, I quite agree with the status. I read the replies, and I thought they were overly defensive. That just tells me that you know you need to change, but you dont want to accept it and feel upset that someone is pointing out a blatant wrong in a harsh manner. (Mind you this was a general status, not directed at one particular person).

Sure, there are nicer ways of putting things. But from my experiences, there's a limit to how nicely you can explain things to adults. Children, growing teens, yes they need kindness.

But if youre an adult, learn to take general criticism and turn it into something positive - a tool that you can use to make yourself better. Instead of defending yourself for the wrong reason.

Honestly, how are you going to be a proud Muslim woman and then defend wearing skin tight clothes?

If youre wrong, youre wrong. Dont defend your wrong (what!). Admit it, and try to grow from and out of it.

Now! I cant just preach to the choir and pretend I'm just all-righteous and perfect (Allah knows I'm not by a long shot) And it would be hypocritical of me to reprimand without setting an example, right?

So now I'm going to take my own advice - give a personal confession and take my own personal steps toward a resolution.

Confession: I curse like a sailor! It's a very, very bad habit.

Resolution: I will control my anger, and I will hold my tongue. If I feel a curse word bubbling, I will make an effort to replace it with a Bismillah/Subhanallah.

Inshallah