First off - excuse my pessimistic sounding title, this is actually meant to be an optimistic entry. (let's see where it goes!)
you see, i was thinking back to the amazingly insightful conversations i had with Nichole and Michelle today and well, the wheels were turning and i began wondering - why do people do the things they do?
why is life worth living? no one person has an exact same answer I'm sure, which is understandable. everyone has their own reasons for living life the way they do. my questions:
is life worth living if it's a party?
or perhaps a quiet home life with quaint comforts?
is life worth living because of a special someone, or a number of special someones?
because you live to rule your life?
or rule someone else's?
because you want to make a change?
or simply because God made you and that's the reason life is worth living?
of course there isn't a black and white answer to this. i know my answer is full of many different shades of grey and gray and red and brown and green and yellow....(yeah...)
and of course this makes me wonder - what exactly do you classify as living? of course every second of every day that we exhale and inhale is living. but aside from technicalities, what is Living? because i know for certain that my definition and practice of living is very different from the definition and practice of others - but that doesn't make either of us less living - so to speak.
when i thought this question to myself my answer was - seeing, breathing, hearing, talking , laughing, etc. etc. -you know, the regular cliches-
but then i thought: WAIT! blind people don't live any less than i do. nor do deaf and mute people. we are Living differently, but not any less than one another. and what of those individuals in even more heart-wrenching conditions? what of those people in comas, or dealing with a life-long illness or handicap, or life-threatening disease? at first glance they seem to be Living less, and I'm certainly not jealous because, quite frankly, i don't think i would have the courage to move through life in such strenuous conditions. but -always a but!- But, once again what classifies us or anyone as Living?
for example, a person in a coma who has no sense of the outside world, would mostly be considered Living quite less than anyone else, and the reason for their technically living anymore becomes a question -how hopeful can you be that they will come out of that coma?
to those of us of a third party, the strangers, we have this perspective -speaking generally of course- we: why make the person suffer more? and why make his family suffer more? why not pull the plug to spare the pain all around and move on? isn't that what the person would want?
and of course we take this view without malice or cynical wishes at all, but because we feel pity for these related individuals and we want them to stop suffering.
but -here's the other but- BUT, now if we trade shoes with this unknown, coma-rendered man's mother, or wife, or daughter, or sister, son, brother, father etc. etc. would we still have that same third party perspective?
well obviously not, because now we're in the first party - the party that shares heart and soul with this anonymous man. and as, say, the mother, pulling the plug of my coma - rendered son would be pulling the plug on the sun itself. i know if i was the mother: he was in my womb for 9 months. i gave birth to him. i raised him. i loved him. his happiness was my happiness and i lived for the child that i was blessed with. and now he's Living for me. he hasn't moved, hasn't woken up, but he can. and he's Living now isn't he? who has the right to give and take away life? no doctor, no mother. if he's Living now, however technically, it's because God hasn't forsaken our family with death.
certainly to a mother or such close family member, even this living is still Living. and who are we, as third party members, to argue?
-food for thought, no?-
anywho - went off on a tangent there.... so life is worth living for many different reasons and we are Living it in many different ways. it's just an interesting thought - to wonder about the strangers you cross everyday, why are they living, and how are they Living. everyone of us has our own little story, that goes without saying. what's fascinating is the loose ends of those stories that intertwine with other loose ends of other stories.
on a positive note: while thinking of all this I realized again how blessed i am to have so many reasons that make life worth living. they change from day to day. one day it's to wake up at 6 in the morning to take a nice walk full of deep conversation with Munera Khala, and on another day it's to enjoy the wonderful delights of buttered toast. Ah Life!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Pakistan: The Answer You (and i) Wanted
I seriously cant believe I'm already back and life is just, back.
back to home, back to bumming and chilling, back to fort bend. etc etc.
and the trip there really was like a dream - it came with amazing flight and excitement, and ended just as quickly. since I've been back I've just been replaying all that happened and could have happened...
i don't know just how many posts there will be over this trip, or if this will be the only one, i suppose we'll see as time and age progresses.
for now I'll start with the point I've received the most questions on - whatever happened to marriage??
Lol. well truth be told, I'm wondering that too.
i did indeed and surprisingly come back without even a verbal agreement of some sort, but thinking on it now i think it's for the better.
there were two guilty parties - me, and them. and both me and them said 'no'. now there were a number of 'them' but truth be told, details are just not important here. the bottom line is that i said no to a few people, and a few people said no to me. and i had my reasons, and they had theirs, so there's no hate either way and well, we're all progressing ahead in our separate yet intricately connected worlds.
if there are any more proposals from Pakistan then of course they will be considered in all seriousness. but so far as explicit searches go, we've turned towards America with full attention.
and by 'we' of course i mean YOU, as in my wonderful friends. now you have the official green-light to go find me a husband because as you can see, i have epically failed...
LoL
anyways. the whole point in looking in Pakistan was because i wanted my parents to bring home a son, not a son-in-law. to find a family that they can settle easily with and vice-versa for the in-laws *adjusting on my part is not a big deal* but alas, there was a family like that but it didn't work out. what can i say, life is life - full of twists and surprises -hey, at least its not boring, right?-
so Inshallah, I'm praying there's a family like that in America that happens to have a firm place in my life.
and it's your job to find them, because heaven knows i don't know jack-squat about playing this game on my own D<
my criteria?
well of course we've got the basic - good degree, stable job, religious awareness, social and fun personality, and a good home -by which i mean family not building-
y'all know how i am otherwise, physical appearances are not a primary focus -at all!- and everyone has their dispositions and quirks so no big deal there. and we've got the basics musts and must nots such as - he has to be Muslim, a virgin *i didn't save myself for someone who cant do the same for me ok*, no drinking or drug habits *although cigarettes i don't care about*, and no gambling.
Now! if i went into preferences...well the superficial side of me would highly prefer someone who's the eldest of his siblings and has a lot of siblings, A LOT taller than me -i don't want my poor children to be midgets D=- with green eyes, a black southern momma *not ghetto - there is a difference!-, and can speak another language besides English...
(you know, the usual specifics xD)
Lol -sigh- why do i feel as if my shot and my target are in completely different dimensions?
lol again.
anyhow, I'm hopeful. Allah has taken care of me so far and I have full faith he wont drop me just yet. just gotta take life in a stride and a smile, and we'll just see where we end up
on and ending positive note: my new clothes are so frikin fabulous!
back to home, back to bumming and chilling, back to fort bend. etc etc.
and the trip there really was like a dream - it came with amazing flight and excitement, and ended just as quickly. since I've been back I've just been replaying all that happened and could have happened...
i don't know just how many posts there will be over this trip, or if this will be the only one, i suppose we'll see as time and age progresses.
for now I'll start with the point I've received the most questions on - whatever happened to marriage??
Lol. well truth be told, I'm wondering that too.
i did indeed and surprisingly come back without even a verbal agreement of some sort, but thinking on it now i think it's for the better.
there were two guilty parties - me, and them. and both me and them said 'no'. now there were a number of 'them' but truth be told, details are just not important here. the bottom line is that i said no to a few people, and a few people said no to me. and i had my reasons, and they had theirs, so there's no hate either way and well, we're all progressing ahead in our separate yet intricately connected worlds.
if there are any more proposals from Pakistan then of course they will be considered in all seriousness. but so far as explicit searches go, we've turned towards America with full attention.
and by 'we' of course i mean YOU, as in my wonderful friends. now you have the official green-light to go find me a husband because as you can see, i have epically failed...
LoL
anyways. the whole point in looking in Pakistan was because i wanted my parents to bring home a son, not a son-in-law. to find a family that they can settle easily with and vice-versa for the in-laws *adjusting on my part is not a big deal* but alas, there was a family like that but it didn't work out. what can i say, life is life - full of twists and surprises -hey, at least its not boring, right?-
so Inshallah, I'm praying there's a family like that in America that happens to have a firm place in my life.
and it's your job to find them, because heaven knows i don't know jack-squat about playing this game on my own D<
my criteria?
well of course we've got the basic - good degree, stable job, religious awareness, social and fun personality, and a good home -by which i mean family not building-
y'all know how i am otherwise, physical appearances are not a primary focus -at all!- and everyone has their dispositions and quirks so no big deal there. and we've got the basics musts and must nots such as - he has to be Muslim, a virgin *i didn't save myself for someone who cant do the same for me ok*, no drinking or drug habits *although cigarettes i don't care about*, and no gambling.
Now! if i went into preferences...well the superficial side of me would highly prefer someone who's the eldest of his siblings and has a lot of siblings, A LOT taller than me -i don't want my poor children to be midgets D=- with green eyes, a black southern momma *not ghetto - there is a difference!-, and can speak another language besides English...
(you know, the usual specifics xD)
Lol -sigh- why do i feel as if my shot and my target are in completely different dimensions?
lol again.
anyhow, I'm hopeful. Allah has taken care of me so far and I have full faith he wont drop me just yet. just gotta take life in a stride and a smile, and we'll just see where we end up
on and ending positive note: my new clothes are so frikin fabulous!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Frustrationnnnnnnnn
This morning there was a documentary on the history channel on the Ku Klux Klan. Watching it gave me shivers. So many of the acts committed by members of this clan are so gruesome.... While I was watching my dad told me to change it to CNN, which I did. Perfect timing. One of the stories in circulating was of the NYC bomber. Apparently he was working with the Taliban in Pakistan, and the Pakistani Taliban is planning an attack on the U.S.
Whether it's true or not doesn't even matter. The suspicion is enough to give the rest of us hell.
And I got to thinking about the new Immigration Law that passed in Arizona (I know I'm jumping all over the place here, give me a few sentences to explain my thought process). I was adamantly against it, and to a huge extent I still am. Seriously, how do you LOOK like an illegal immigrant? There are illegal immigrants from, yes Mexico, but also from India and Pakistan, and Nigeria, and even Canada! So how do you 'look' like an illegal immigrant? So that law I still have a lot against, because it's, to me, advocating racial discrimination (here's the link that ties all my other thoughts together) against one group of people when there are a number of people from a number of nations that are illegal immigrants.
The thing is racial profiling, even the thought of racial profiling shakes us, because we're American. Because our nation's history is one of overcoming racial discrimination. Because we are all immigrants and live in this amazing melting pot, the thought of seriously judging someone based on something they never had control of, is more than disturbing. It's disgusting, and un-nerving, and completely against our values and everything we've all worked so hard to over-come. We can't imagine hating our best friends, and relatives, and mentors, etc. etc. simply because of their race, simply because of the way they look.
That's why organizations such as the KKK and the Taliban raise the hairs on our necks. Because terrorism of any kind, especially that has stemmed from racism, hatred, and ignorance doesn't make sense to us.
But how can I argue against racial discrimination at the airport? How can I say it's not right that Muslims are being racially profiled against at the airport when, since 2000 all the terrorists have been Muslims. Excuse me, I mean 'muslims'.
Not to say that all Muslims are terrorists (y'all know that), but because of a few idiots, the rest of us have to suffer. And correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that's how most of our issues take root.
I saw the short story on CNN and my blood just started boiling. Why? Because, this NYC incident, this idiotic idiot will cause my family to go through hell at the airport in 4 days. Because whenever I think Muslims are out of the spot light, that we have over come another adversity and become stronger, something else happens that screws us all over again. What. The. Hell.
Every time. Seriously. Every time I think -ok. fine. some arrogant douche bag muslim screwed up again. Ok. it's over. society isn't judging us based on them. America knows it's not all of us. America knows it's not most of us. America knows it's just a few who are messing things up for the rest of us. We all remember our history classes, where we learned about those handful of people that cause the most harm and leave the rest 0f us to suffer. Every time we try to pick up the pieces and get back up. Some one's actions shoot us down again.
It is extremely frustrating. Now thanks to this Faisal Shazad jerk I will be randomly checked - constantly at the airport. Especially because we're headed to Pakistan. Our luggage will be checked thoroughly. And you know what? We won't be the only ones suffering. Any Muslims traveling are going through this ordeal. Hell, even if you're not Muslim you're having to go through this ordeal. When absolutely any of us travel, we will have to either be questioned, or stand behind someone who is being questioned. All of us are annoyed and afraid of these ridiculous actions that are committed under the label of Jihad and Islam. All of us. I hate that I and everyone else will have to face these checks and suspicions because of the ignorant fools. I hate that every time we are about to get ahead, we fall back 10 steps because of one person. I hate that there has to be racial discrimination at an airport and any where else because it's completely against my American and Islamic values.
But, and I can't believe I'm about to type this, but I can see how it can be important in the case of fighting terrorism. I wish it wasn't. I think we can do without it. But I can see why it's there when these things happen. And I can't blame anyone else but those people who call themselves 'muslim' and set our entire nation back years in the fight against discrimination. I hate it. All of it. And even though I know it's not my fault, I'm sorry for it.
On a positive note:
All I can say is, thank God I'm American. And thank God I'm Muslim. Because both identities are my own, and both are the cause for this hope I have that things will change for the better. That things can always change for the better if we're willing to stand up for it. I have faith in our society to remember who their friends and neighbors are, regardless of what other people of the same faith or race do. And I know that, even though we've fallen behind again, we're going to catch up again and get ahead. Inshallah.
Whether it's true or not doesn't even matter. The suspicion is enough to give the rest of us hell.
And I got to thinking about the new Immigration Law that passed in Arizona (I know I'm jumping all over the place here, give me a few sentences to explain my thought process). I was adamantly against it, and to a huge extent I still am. Seriously, how do you LOOK like an illegal immigrant? There are illegal immigrants from, yes Mexico, but also from India and Pakistan, and Nigeria, and even Canada! So how do you 'look' like an illegal immigrant? So that law I still have a lot against, because it's, to me, advocating racial discrimination (here's the link that ties all my other thoughts together) against one group of people when there are a number of people from a number of nations that are illegal immigrants.
The thing is racial profiling, even the thought of racial profiling shakes us, because we're American. Because our nation's history is one of overcoming racial discrimination. Because we are all immigrants and live in this amazing melting pot, the thought of seriously judging someone based on something they never had control of, is more than disturbing. It's disgusting, and un-nerving, and completely against our values and everything we've all worked so hard to over-come. We can't imagine hating our best friends, and relatives, and mentors, etc. etc. simply because of their race, simply because of the way they look.
That's why organizations such as the KKK and the Taliban raise the hairs on our necks. Because terrorism of any kind, especially that has stemmed from racism, hatred, and ignorance doesn't make sense to us.
But how can I argue against racial discrimination at the airport? How can I say it's not right that Muslims are being racially profiled against at the airport when, since 2000 all the terrorists have been Muslims. Excuse me, I mean 'muslims'.
Not to say that all Muslims are terrorists (y'all know that), but because of a few idiots, the rest of us have to suffer. And correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that's how most of our issues take root.
I saw the short story on CNN and my blood just started boiling. Why? Because, this NYC incident, this idiotic idiot will cause my family to go through hell at the airport in 4 days. Because whenever I think Muslims are out of the spot light, that we have over come another adversity and become stronger, something else happens that screws us all over again. What. The. Hell.
Every time. Seriously. Every time I think -ok. fine. some arrogant douche bag muslim screwed up again. Ok. it's over. society isn't judging us based on them. America knows it's not all of us. America knows it's not most of us. America knows it's just a few who are messing things up for the rest of us. We all remember our history classes, where we learned about those handful of people that cause the most harm and leave the rest 0f us to suffer. Every time we try to pick up the pieces and get back up. Some one's actions shoot us down again.
It is extremely frustrating. Now thanks to this Faisal Shazad jerk I will be randomly checked - constantly at the airport. Especially because we're headed to Pakistan. Our luggage will be checked thoroughly. And you know what? We won't be the only ones suffering. Any Muslims traveling are going through this ordeal. Hell, even if you're not Muslim you're having to go through this ordeal. When absolutely any of us travel, we will have to either be questioned, or stand behind someone who is being questioned. All of us are annoyed and afraid of these ridiculous actions that are committed under the label of Jihad and Islam. All of us. I hate that I and everyone else will have to face these checks and suspicions because of the ignorant fools. I hate that every time we are about to get ahead, we fall back 10 steps because of one person. I hate that there has to be racial discrimination at an airport and any where else because it's completely against my American and Islamic values.
But, and I can't believe I'm about to type this, but I can see how it can be important in the case of fighting terrorism. I wish it wasn't. I think we can do without it. But I can see why it's there when these things happen. And I can't blame anyone else but those people who call themselves 'muslim' and set our entire nation back years in the fight against discrimination. I hate it. All of it. And even though I know it's not my fault, I'm sorry for it.
On a positive note:
All I can say is, thank God I'm American. And thank God I'm Muslim. Because both identities are my own, and both are the cause for this hope I have that things will change for the better. That things can always change for the better if we're willing to stand up for it. I have faith in our society to remember who their friends and neighbors are, regardless of what other people of the same faith or race do. And I know that, even though we've fallen behind again, we're going to catch up again and get ahead. Inshallah.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
RIP Zegham...i wish i knew what to say, but i'm blubbering right now
I found out on my way to Sumera Khala's house. I was in the car with Ammara when Farhan sent me this text: Rmr zegam from danials click? He just passed away, drowned at the beach.. Were going to the hospital right now
It threw me off to say the least, but it was a weird mix of feelings. I mean, i felt shocked but at the same time, the actuality of it didn't register in my mind. I continued to talk to Ammara. went to Sumera Khala's place, everyone had found out that a kid had passed away so it was a constant mention here and there...but I think I started getting really affected when i was outside trying to get in touch with Shoaib for Murk
That's when I really had too much quiet to think..
I remember Zegham from freshman year. we didn't really talk then. really, all I knew was that he went out with murk, but I can recall that whenever i saw him, he was always smiling. and actually, that's the one thing I really liked about him - the way he smiled. because it was quite distinct from what you usually see.
Zegham smiled with his entire face. when he laughed, or was having a good time, his whole face shifted and it was quite amusing, and very warming. One of those smiles that let you know he was a friendly guy and just put you at ease.
Anyways, so freshman year we didn't talk. I just knew who he was.
fast-forward to senior year, now I saw him whenever we had an officer's meeting - Danyal would bring him all the time. That's when I actually spoke words to him.
He would offer some ideas here and there, and crack jokes. he played around with Danyal's younger sister. He joked around with me brother.
Actually, that's where Farhan and Zegham first met and talked, and became somewhere between friends and acquaintances.
After senior year I didn't see him at all. Not in person anyways.
But, and this is really odd, I saw him in a dream just maybe 2 weeks back.
I thought it was the most random thing ever.
The dream had me and Nickkie, and we were in my childhood neighborhood. I had been running through the house, which was a huge maze in my room, and I came out of the front door of our old apartment - 188. Nickkie was standing in the rain, and it was pouring cats and dogs! and I ran to her completely panicked, completely worried, yelling at the top of my lungs so she could here over the rain and thunder *there was no lightening* 'We have to save Zegham!! We have to go save him! What do we do? Where is he? We have to go save him now!!'
I don't remember Nickkie's reaction, but I remember being on the verge of tears when I yelled my last sentence out because for the first time lightening had struck and, even though I had yelled so loudly that my throat hurt, I knew Nickkie didn't hear me.
I turned away from her trying to formulate a plan, think of some way to save Zegham. and as I turned towards the Masjid, I saw him coming. he looked perfectly unharmed, and was smiling with his whole face...and as soon as I saw him lightening struck again over us, it had illuminated his face with this odd blueish-silver light.
I remember feeling so...relieved that he was alive, that he was well, that we didn't have to rescue him because he was alright.
As he was walking towards us he called out "Hey guys! Kya hua??"
Both me and Nickkie ran up to him and he started laughing because we looked absolutely ridiculous - our entire faces were dripping with rain water and tears. And Zegham laughed again and said 'Ithni paareshaani kyun? hain? mei teek hun!'
End dream.
I woke up relieved because Zegham was ok and then it struck me...how in the world did I dream about Zegham? After all this time, after not knowing him well at all, why in the world did I dream of Zegham so randomly?
I still havent figured it out - have no idea what to make of it really... but it was odd
and i feel horrible realizing now that my best memory of him, my most prominent communication and picture of him, was from a dream that flew through my mind from out of no where... - odd and sad things happen sometimes.
Now that he's gone, I wish more than anything that I could have known him better, because I know he was a great guy. I'm praying that the pain everyone is feeling is eased soon, so that they can go from missing him and thinking of his tragic death, to missing him and thinking of all the good times they had with him. Even though I didn't know him so well, I feel like that's how he would want to be remembered, because he smiled, naturally, with his whole face. and to me, that says a lot about a person.
I can see him walking down the hall, taller than all the other boys, laughing and joking. I can see him playing with Danyal's younger sister and messing around with my brother. I can see him smiling, illuminated in the blueish - silver light of lightening. I can see him in the ocean trying to swim in the night. I can see him..I can feel him going beneath the water, struggling to get back up, to tsop choking from the engulfing water and get air in his lungs. I can feel my arms tense because I can feel his arms tense as they reach up for something. I can see him in the hospital, on a bed under white sheets and white lights. I can see all his friends and everyone who knew him with shocked faces and sinking hearts. I can see Murk sobbing, thinking of what, and how, and why. I can see his parents not having any choice but to believe....
I can see him sitting next to me right now... he's got his legs up, very chill. He's reading this as I'm typing it and he's smiling with his face again. I know what he's about to say - "Ithni paareshaani kyun? hain? mei teek hun!'
He laughed with his entire face - I was right.
I wish I had known you better Zegham.
And I know this is going to sound completely insane but, I wish I could have rescued you in my dream, instead of you rescuing yourself...
You will be missed by many, and prayed for countlessly
I can't say much, or offer much, or anything much.
But know this Zegham, of all the deaths I have experienced, I have only ever cried for two people. Once for my Phuppa, and once more for you, because I did not know either of you and I wish I could have.
Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Raji'un
It threw me off to say the least, but it was a weird mix of feelings. I mean, i felt shocked but at the same time, the actuality of it didn't register in my mind. I continued to talk to Ammara. went to Sumera Khala's place, everyone had found out that a kid had passed away so it was a constant mention here and there...but I think I started getting really affected when i was outside trying to get in touch with Shoaib for Murk
That's when I really had too much quiet to think..
I remember Zegham from freshman year. we didn't really talk then. really, all I knew was that he went out with murk, but I can recall that whenever i saw him, he was always smiling. and actually, that's the one thing I really liked about him - the way he smiled. because it was quite distinct from what you usually see.
Zegham smiled with his entire face. when he laughed, or was having a good time, his whole face shifted and it was quite amusing, and very warming. One of those smiles that let you know he was a friendly guy and just put you at ease.
Anyways, so freshman year we didn't talk. I just knew who he was.
fast-forward to senior year, now I saw him whenever we had an officer's meeting - Danyal would bring him all the time. That's when I actually spoke words to him.
He would offer some ideas here and there, and crack jokes. he played around with Danyal's younger sister. He joked around with me brother.
Actually, that's where Farhan and Zegham first met and talked, and became somewhere between friends and acquaintances.
After senior year I didn't see him at all. Not in person anyways.
But, and this is really odd, I saw him in a dream just maybe 2 weeks back.
I thought it was the most random thing ever.
The dream had me and Nickkie, and we were in my childhood neighborhood. I had been running through the house, which was a huge maze in my room, and I came out of the front door of our old apartment - 188. Nickkie was standing in the rain, and it was pouring cats and dogs! and I ran to her completely panicked, completely worried, yelling at the top of my lungs so she could here over the rain and thunder *there was no lightening* 'We have to save Zegham!! We have to go save him! What do we do? Where is he? We have to go save him now!!'
I don't remember Nickkie's reaction, but I remember being on the verge of tears when I yelled my last sentence out because for the first time lightening had struck and, even though I had yelled so loudly that my throat hurt, I knew Nickkie didn't hear me.
I turned away from her trying to formulate a plan, think of some way to save Zegham. and as I turned towards the Masjid, I saw him coming. he looked perfectly unharmed, and was smiling with his whole face...and as soon as I saw him lightening struck again over us, it had illuminated his face with this odd blueish-silver light.
I remember feeling so...relieved that he was alive, that he was well, that we didn't have to rescue him because he was alright.
As he was walking towards us he called out "Hey guys! Kya hua??"
Both me and Nickkie ran up to him and he started laughing because we looked absolutely ridiculous - our entire faces were dripping with rain water and tears. And Zegham laughed again and said 'Ithni paareshaani kyun? hain? mei teek hun!'
End dream.
I woke up relieved because Zegham was ok and then it struck me...how in the world did I dream about Zegham? After all this time, after not knowing him well at all, why in the world did I dream of Zegham so randomly?
I still havent figured it out - have no idea what to make of it really... but it was odd
and i feel horrible realizing now that my best memory of him, my most prominent communication and picture of him, was from a dream that flew through my mind from out of no where... - odd and sad things happen sometimes.
Now that he's gone, I wish more than anything that I could have known him better, because I know he was a great guy. I'm praying that the pain everyone is feeling is eased soon, so that they can go from missing him and thinking of his tragic death, to missing him and thinking of all the good times they had with him. Even though I didn't know him so well, I feel like that's how he would want to be remembered, because he smiled, naturally, with his whole face. and to me, that says a lot about a person.
I can see him walking down the hall, taller than all the other boys, laughing and joking. I can see him playing with Danyal's younger sister and messing around with my brother. I can see him smiling, illuminated in the blueish - silver light of lightening. I can see him in the ocean trying to swim in the night. I can see him..I can feel him going beneath the water, struggling to get back up, to tsop choking from the engulfing water and get air in his lungs. I can feel my arms tense because I can feel his arms tense as they reach up for something. I can see him in the hospital, on a bed under white sheets and white lights. I can see all his friends and everyone who knew him with shocked faces and sinking hearts. I can see Murk sobbing, thinking of what, and how, and why. I can see his parents not having any choice but to believe....
I can see him sitting next to me right now... he's got his legs up, very chill. He's reading this as I'm typing it and he's smiling with his face again. I know what he's about to say - "Ithni paareshaani kyun? hain? mei teek hun!'
He laughed with his entire face - I was right.
I wish I had known you better Zegham.
And I know this is going to sound completely insane but, I wish I could have rescued you in my dream, instead of you rescuing yourself...
You will be missed by many, and prayed for countlessly
I can't say much, or offer much, or anything much.
But know this Zegham, of all the deaths I have experienced, I have only ever cried for two people. Once for my Phuppa, and once more for you, because I did not know either of you and I wish I could have.
Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Raji'un
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Oh the ramblings one thought can evoke!
Alright I know this is an over-played topic, but I haven’t put my stance in words yet and, after all, that’s what a blog is for - so here it is:
I read this interesting blog on another site that was basically about abortion and it got me thinking - why is abortion such an easy (albeit, controversial, but nonetheless easy) thing to talk about? I guess I don’t even mean easy to talk about, more like easy to consider.
Its like abortion has become this ‘safety’ net at the back of our generation’s mind (you know, IN CASE anything happens, I can always do this).
Excuse me for being conservative in this matter but no, it’s not okay to take this ‘option’ IN CASE anything happens.
Look I cant say I’m pro-life or pro-choice because I feel like it’s not that simple. Different circumstance deserve different judgments. Of course I’m not in favor of little high school girls having sex too early, getting Prego, and then an abortion because they’re not mature enough to have a baby. I’m not in favor of chicks getting plastered, Prego due to a bad decision, and have an abortion as a bail-out. I’m not in favor of women having abortions because having a kid would ‘disrupt’ their current lifestyle. These are all common cases, all of which can be prevented by simply not having sex (and I know it’s not that simple, but we’ll get into that in a minute).
However, I can understand situations for things like rape. Why? Because rape has traumatic affects on women, physically and psychologically. That’s when I feel if a woman is giving up her child it’s because she may not be psychologically fit - no mother wants to raise their child in an environment of hate, remorse, regret, etc - especially when it’s not the child’s fault. (although in such a case I would prefer adoption, but I can understand the psychological aspect of it that would lead to an abortion).
The other case I can think of where abortion is a plausible option is in a medical condition, where it’s either the mother or the child’s life.
Other than that, it’s hard not to give harsh judgments on the ‘normal’ cases (even though we’re not supposed to be judging at all…)
What I don’t understand is, why is it SO hard to not have sex in the first place? I know it’s hard, but it’s not a life or death matter, and certainly it’s been done before be countless people.
I don’t know about you guys but I’m in firm stance on abstinence until marriage, Islam preaches it and I follow it, and it makes sense. Yes everyone wants to have sex, but it’s so much more beneficial to wait until the ring is on your finger *as the saying goes*
And quite frankly I don’t think it’s harder for guys than it is for girls to wait. In fact, I think it’s just as hard for both genders - girls just don’t admit to it as easily.
I’m waiting to get married, and especially because I expect to marry a Muslim, I expect him to wait as well. After all, our parents before us waited, and their parent before them, (and so on, and so forth) there are plenty of people in our generation that are also waiting to have sex. It’s an admirable and respectable thing to do (and religiously speaking, the right thing to do - if anything that should be enough incentive)
I don’t know, it’s weird how the world thinks now a days. Just a few decades ago people ‘courted’ and PDA was almost unheard of. Now if you read current blogs, most people seem to be in favor of pre-marital sex (how can you possibly have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t have sex with them?) pro-choice all the way, in fact there was a recent one I read where a girl wrote about one of her male friends waiting until his wedding day to have his first kiss. She said her initial thought was ‘aww’ but then realized he was crazy. She wasn’t the only one to think that way. The majority of the people who responded remarked at how ‘illogical’ and ‘unrealistic’ the notion was.
Yet here we are, with thousands of Muslims who have waited until their wedding day to actually hug a person of the opposite sex, let alone kiss and have sex. And Allhamdullillah, we still have thousands of Muslims still doing that (yes the number has decreased unfortunately, but there are Muslims who realize the value of waiting and thus do it).
Sorry, but I think you can have a perfectly healthy relationship without sex (this doesn’t go for Muslims, because Muslims aren’t SUPPOSED to have ‘relationships’ like that in the first place, you just wait - but anyways, that’s another blog)
After all, a number of our parents hadn’t even met properly before they got married - screw the hand holding, the hugging, the kissing, the sex (play on words, haha) and so far as I’ve seen their relationships are perfectly healthy, perfectly promising. Excuse me for sounding prudish, but I think I’ll follow their, and their ancestor’s examples first, before I turn to the generations of now that have a higher divorce rate than ever.
ANYWAYS, completely went off on a different tangent, but I guess that’s what happens when you think and right at the same time - haha
So, my stand stays: Abortion is a serious action to take, regardless of how early it is considered and done. At the least, it will have some psychological affect on the woman.
Thus, I am almost completely not in favor it. But like I said before there are enough of those varying circumstances that don’t allow me to choose a simple black and white pro-life or pro-choice.
I’m just saying, yeah you want sex. Yeah everyone sex. Yeah everyone is not having sex. Resisting is hard, but waiting it out is definitely worth it.
On a positive note: going home this weekend thanks to Natasha! can't wait to weed through my closet and start organizing! - but you never thought you'd hear that from me! xD
I read this interesting blog on another site that was basically about abortion and it got me thinking - why is abortion such an easy (albeit, controversial, but nonetheless easy) thing to talk about? I guess I don’t even mean easy to talk about, more like easy to consider.
Its like abortion has become this ‘safety’ net at the back of our generation’s mind (you know, IN CASE anything happens, I can always do this).
Excuse me for being conservative in this matter but no, it’s not okay to take this ‘option’ IN CASE anything happens.
Look I cant say I’m pro-life or pro-choice because I feel like it’s not that simple. Different circumstance deserve different judgments. Of course I’m not in favor of little high school girls having sex too early, getting Prego, and then an abortion because they’re not mature enough to have a baby. I’m not in favor of chicks getting plastered, Prego due to a bad decision, and have an abortion as a bail-out. I’m not in favor of women having abortions because having a kid would ‘disrupt’ their current lifestyle. These are all common cases, all of which can be prevented by simply not having sex (and I know it’s not that simple, but we’ll get into that in a minute).
However, I can understand situations for things like rape. Why? Because rape has traumatic affects on women, physically and psychologically. That’s when I feel if a woman is giving up her child it’s because she may not be psychologically fit - no mother wants to raise their child in an environment of hate, remorse, regret, etc - especially when it’s not the child’s fault. (although in such a case I would prefer adoption, but I can understand the psychological aspect of it that would lead to an abortion).
The other case I can think of where abortion is a plausible option is in a medical condition, where it’s either the mother or the child’s life.
Other than that, it’s hard not to give harsh judgments on the ‘normal’ cases (even though we’re not supposed to be judging at all…)
What I don’t understand is, why is it SO hard to not have sex in the first place? I know it’s hard, but it’s not a life or death matter, and certainly it’s been done before be countless people.
I don’t know about you guys but I’m in firm stance on abstinence until marriage, Islam preaches it and I follow it, and it makes sense. Yes everyone wants to have sex, but it’s so much more beneficial to wait until the ring is on your finger *as the saying goes*
And quite frankly I don’t think it’s harder for guys than it is for girls to wait. In fact, I think it’s just as hard for both genders - girls just don’t admit to it as easily.
I’m waiting to get married, and especially because I expect to marry a Muslim, I expect him to wait as well. After all, our parents before us waited, and their parent before them, (and so on, and so forth) there are plenty of people in our generation that are also waiting to have sex. It’s an admirable and respectable thing to do (and religiously speaking, the right thing to do - if anything that should be enough incentive)
I don’t know, it’s weird how the world thinks now a days. Just a few decades ago people ‘courted’ and PDA was almost unheard of. Now if you read current blogs, most people seem to be in favor of pre-marital sex (how can you possibly have a healthy relationship with someone if you don’t have sex with them?) pro-choice all the way, in fact there was a recent one I read where a girl wrote about one of her male friends waiting until his wedding day to have his first kiss. She said her initial thought was ‘aww’ but then realized he was crazy. She wasn’t the only one to think that way. The majority of the people who responded remarked at how ‘illogical’ and ‘unrealistic’ the notion was.
Yet here we are, with thousands of Muslims who have waited until their wedding day to actually hug a person of the opposite sex, let alone kiss and have sex. And Allhamdullillah, we still have thousands of Muslims still doing that (yes the number has decreased unfortunately, but there are Muslims who realize the value of waiting and thus do it).
Sorry, but I think you can have a perfectly healthy relationship without sex (this doesn’t go for Muslims, because Muslims aren’t SUPPOSED to have ‘relationships’ like that in the first place, you just wait - but anyways, that’s another blog)
After all, a number of our parents hadn’t even met properly before they got married - screw the hand holding, the hugging, the kissing, the sex (play on words, haha) and so far as I’ve seen their relationships are perfectly healthy, perfectly promising. Excuse me for sounding prudish, but I think I’ll follow their, and their ancestor’s examples first, before I turn to the generations of now that have a higher divorce rate than ever.
ANYWAYS, completely went off on a different tangent, but I guess that’s what happens when you think and right at the same time - haha
So, my stand stays: Abortion is a serious action to take, regardless of how early it is considered and done. At the least, it will have some psychological affect on the woman.
Thus, I am almost completely not in favor it. But like I said before there are enough of those varying circumstances that don’t allow me to choose a simple black and white pro-life or pro-choice.
I’m just saying, yeah you want sex. Yeah everyone sex. Yeah everyone is not having sex. Resisting is hard, but waiting it out is definitely worth it.
On a positive note: going home this weekend thanks to Natasha! can't wait to weed through my closet and start organizing! - but you never thought you'd hear that from me! xD
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I started sweating and started thinking profound thoughts...
So every one's enjoying the nice weather outside today. It's sunny! It's warm! It's beautiful!
It's an oven hell baking me at 350 degrees, nice and slowly so i turn nice and orange, and every nerve of mine is coated by agitation.
..Needless to reiterate (but i shall) that this is NOT good weather for hijabis.
However, (here's where the profound thinking comes in) I remembered all the other hijabis who must be suffering in this lovely bi-polar manner of Texas and, oddly, i felt comforted knowing i wasn't the only one who was probably becoming mortal enemies with the sun.
It's a concept I learned a few years back, that acts as a comforting blanket in the back of my mind. That is: Muslims are strangers to the world. We fit in with society, with culture, with our fellow peers - but not perfectly. We are a little different, always have been, always will be. That's what comes with being a Muslim. You fit in, but not completely. There is always something that sets you apart from everyone else.
Not that it's a bad thing. I quite enjoy my uniqueness. Especially at a private Baptist school - it's fun (and a little flattering) to hear I'm the first, or one of the few, approachable Muslims a person has met. That's especially when I know I'm a welcomed...accepted...familiar...yeah lets go with familiar
-That's especially when I know I'm a familiar stranger.
People may hear this and feel slightly uneasy. I understand. The uneasiness is usually because Islam tends to cause Muslims to deviate away from a number of the current norms of current society. In fact, so far as I have observed, a lot of people feel that religion should mold to its followers - to fit their life style and perspectives. Religion should be mold able to form the comfort and safety shape we want it to. So people feel uneasy when they hear Muslims and their 'struggle.'
The thing is, Islam doesn't work that way. We don't believe that religion should mold to humans, because humans can (and often are) wrong, or misguided, or mistaken (take your pick of a synonym).
In Islam, people mold to the religion. We don't pick the shape of our comfort and safety nets, we see it as it is and either choose to mold to it. (Or you can turn away from it, but then that's not following Islam so that's a whole other post for later).
Anyhow - as Muslims we believe that the rules, regulations, laws, rights, etc. etc. set in Islam are set by God, and thus permanent - regardless of societal, cultural, whatever changes. Because these things are constantly changing - culture and societal preferences are not meant to be permanent. They are recorded in history with every turn as evidence of the progression (or decline, however you take it) of our human race.
So how can factors that are constantly changing, constantly will be changing, not meant to be permanent - decide our faith, which should remain permanently steadfast in us - once we choose to accept it - ?
Thus, Islam is here to offer us a permanent set rights and morals. So that, regardless of how Utopian or Dystopian or society becomes, regardless of what kind of grace or turmoil we have to face due to whatever, we have a solid, unchanging doctrine from God that can guide us at any time, all the time.
I suppose that's also why, even when people around me look at me with uneasy expressions because I am the familiar stranger that seems to be struggling for the appeasement of ancient values and ideals, I always feel a sense of comfort in knowing that I am doing what I'm doing for the one and only purpose of pleasing God.
That's what Islam is about after all - the submission to the will Allah.
Why? Because he is our creator. Without him, there is nothing. How can you not be grateful to your creator - the one who has blessed you with life and everything you NEED?
Really, hijabis may seem to have it hard in the summers of Texas, and I won't lie - it's no picnic. But in that struggle to breathe and not sweat out our inner organs, there is a sense of peace and comfort. No lie, submission may not sound great at first word, but once you try it you don't want to live without what it has to offer back to you.
The grace of God.
Positive note:
It's St. Patrick's day and because of it, I saw a man in a kilt! Yes, i did lol in my head (because sometimes life is funny).
It's an oven hell baking me at 350 degrees, nice and slowly so i turn nice and orange, and every nerve of mine is coated by agitation.
..Needless to reiterate (but i shall) that this is NOT good weather for hijabis.
However, (here's where the profound thinking comes in) I remembered all the other hijabis who must be suffering in this lovely bi-polar manner of Texas and, oddly, i felt comforted knowing i wasn't the only one who was probably becoming mortal enemies with the sun.
It's a concept I learned a few years back, that acts as a comforting blanket in the back of my mind. That is: Muslims are strangers to the world. We fit in with society, with culture, with our fellow peers - but not perfectly. We are a little different, always have been, always will be. That's what comes with being a Muslim. You fit in, but not completely. There is always something that sets you apart from everyone else.
Not that it's a bad thing. I quite enjoy my uniqueness. Especially at a private Baptist school - it's fun (and a little flattering) to hear I'm the first, or one of the few, approachable Muslims a person has met. That's especially when I know I'm a welcomed...accepted...familiar...yeah lets go with familiar
-That's especially when I know I'm a familiar stranger.
People may hear this and feel slightly uneasy. I understand. The uneasiness is usually because Islam tends to cause Muslims to deviate away from a number of the current norms of current society. In fact, so far as I have observed, a lot of people feel that religion should mold to its followers - to fit their life style and perspectives. Religion should be mold able to form the comfort and safety shape we want it to. So people feel uneasy when they hear Muslims and their 'struggle.'
The thing is, Islam doesn't work that way. We don't believe that religion should mold to humans, because humans can (and often are) wrong, or misguided, or mistaken (take your pick of a synonym).
In Islam, people mold to the religion. We don't pick the shape of our comfort and safety nets, we see it as it is and either choose to mold to it. (Or you can turn away from it, but then that's not following Islam so that's a whole other post for later).
Anyhow - as Muslims we believe that the rules, regulations, laws, rights, etc. etc. set in Islam are set by God, and thus permanent - regardless of societal, cultural, whatever changes. Because these things are constantly changing - culture and societal preferences are not meant to be permanent. They are recorded in history with every turn as evidence of the progression (or decline, however you take it) of our human race.
So how can factors that are constantly changing, constantly will be changing, not meant to be permanent - decide our faith, which should remain permanently steadfast in us - once we choose to accept it - ?
Thus, Islam is here to offer us a permanent set rights and morals. So that, regardless of how Utopian or Dystopian or society becomes, regardless of what kind of grace or turmoil we have to face due to whatever, we have a solid, unchanging doctrine from God that can guide us at any time, all the time.
I suppose that's also why, even when people around me look at me with uneasy expressions because I am the familiar stranger that seems to be struggling for the appeasement of ancient values and ideals, I always feel a sense of comfort in knowing that I am doing what I'm doing for the one and only purpose of pleasing God.
That's what Islam is about after all - the submission to the will Allah.
Why? Because he is our creator. Without him, there is nothing. How can you not be grateful to your creator - the one who has blessed you with life and everything you NEED?
Really, hijabis may seem to have it hard in the summers of Texas, and I won't lie - it's no picnic. But in that struggle to breathe and not sweat out our inner organs, there is a sense of peace and comfort. No lie, submission may not sound great at first word, but once you try it you don't want to live without what it has to offer back to you.
The grace of God.
Positive note:
It's St. Patrick's day and because of it, I saw a man in a kilt! Yes, i did lol in my head (because sometimes life is funny).
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Because This Will Be Ridiculously Long and Read By Strangers
Because this will be read by strangers I have decided to post up one of my recent rambles that is in fact very personal.
I don’t care to be judged, that happens regardless. I cant promise replies to everything if anything. I'm just offering food for thought as well a chance to let me lay out a bit of my life so that it clogs my brain a little less.
------------------2/16/2010
So I've always been in favor of an arranged marriage for myself. I've never even wanted to find a husband on my own.
Think what you will, I feel like I’ve already heard it all and regardless of it all, my opinion has remained the same.
The way I see it is (thankfully) I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. they know me inside-out and i've never really had anything to hide from them. And i know that i would easily say yes to a guy if he could make me feel special enough, know the right things to say at the right time. Love is blind, I know, and that's why I've never allowed myself to fall in love (from my experience, it is surprisingly possible).
Meanwhile, my parents' criteria is detailed and well prepared for the future, to find me a husband as close to perfect as possible. Good degree, good job, personality to mesh with mine, etc. etc. So why in good sense would I say no to them?
It's not like they’re forcing me to get married. They pick a guy, our families meet, if we like each other there are more family gatherings and group dates. if we don’t like each other, its a simple no. not too complicated.
But now that I’m actually going through the process, i can see a few holes in the game plan. not many holes, but enough that we've got to pause and patch them up before moving on.
the first and foremost issue is that my father has turned a blind eye to something. what that is exactly, i cant really put my finger on - but he's put a blind eye to something. it's as if he's stopped observing and judging, stopped realizing the flaws in the matter, and is subconsciously painting over the flaws and trying to justify them.
I saw this because of the awful Sunday i experienced. Allow me to start from the beginning - roughly 2 weeks ago. You see every two weeks my roommate and i drive back home to visit our family (because we're both Asian and our parents feel odd if they don’t see us for too long - maybe I’ll explain this in a later blog).
Anyhow, so as soon as i got back on campus my dad calls me all excited and whatnot to say that there's a family interested in and i was going to meet them Sunday of the weekend we returned.
I was kind of anxious but i thought to myself - everything will be fine.
Well everything was not so fine at all. Jump ahead 2 weeks, my face is all waxed and smooth, proper clothes and pretty hijab - here i am all primped up to meet this family that was interested in me and well, i wish i hadn’t gone through the trouble.
First of all i was shocked when the parents sent us upstairs to be able to talk privately. i know i sound absolutely ridiculous and confused for saying that but i really expected, and wanted, to spend the first meeting in a family setting... regardless, at least my friend Andrea, who had spent the weekend with me, and my 16 year old brother were there too.
It...was...horrible. I was the only one asking questions.
Me: " so what's your major?"
Him: " blah blah blah...and you?"
Me: " blah blah blah, so what are your hobbies?"
Him: "blah blah blah...and you?"
*thank you for your consideration mr. 'and you?'
This is how our entire monotone conversation continued.
I tried to tell anecdotes and crack jokes - not even a pity laugh on his part. And if I didn’t say anything, well he seemed just fine with that because he didn’t take the initiative to talk at all.
The only time his face lit up was when Farhan, my brother, asked him if he was a gamer. He went into how he played his XBOX 360 and how he got this sweet system for 200 bucks on some game website...husband material? i think not.
I was so bored, and i could tell he was too. He didn’t even look like he was interested in marriage. In fact he looked like he masturbated 5 times a day to princess Zelda and was completely content with that * ah but there i go cruelly judging again* ( i know, i know - its a horrible habit)
The bottom line was that we were not attracted to each other in the slightest way. He likes being alone, in his quiet neighborhood, and is perfectly content with remaining at Center Point Energy his entire life (and i'm not saying any of this is bad, it's just not me).
Meanwhile I'm idealistic and want to move to a third world country to teach English, and man do I love the bustling city! ( I love falling asleep to the traffic noise of the highway!)
He wants a working woman (not a career woman, mind you) who will take care of his home and cook at least meals a day.
I want a man with a great sense of humor who can admire and help me achieve my goals - someone i can laugh, and debate, and even argue with and it'll be okay because we know we're committed to each other forever. someone i can be spontaneous and ridiculous with so we can get back in each other's good books whenever we hit a rough patch (cause we're bound to hit a number of rough patches).
This guy even looked down at my dreams "oh.. you’re one of those change the world people...heh"
WHAT THE FUCK!!
*Deep breath* anyhow, the problem is that after they left, and i told my uncle and dad no, well...they were more than a little disappointed.
And i was in utter shock.
Their view:
He's got a good degree, a good job. Not many friends, he's simple, doesn’t smoke - what the hell is the problem? you’re an 18 year old naive girl, how can you possibly judge him in 5 minutes? we'll be lucky if they say yes.
My view:
Every married man in our family has a good job and degree- they’re still in debt. I haven’t been raised like a queen, i know how to do without. (I would rather start poor, end poor and be happy without debt, rather than start rich, end poor with tons of debt). Not many friends= socially awkward (i was so judging), simple= boring and easily stepped on, doesn’t smoke = can he at least smoke! I may just be 18 but i know I'm not as foolish as my uncle and dad think i am. how can i judge someone in 5 minutes? because that's all it takes when you’re being straight forward. (besides, they wouldn’t question my 5 minute judgment if I’d said yes).
My dad is severely disappointed. My uncle doesn’t get it. My mom is the only one on my side (Allhamdullillah!)
My dad still thinks I'll be lucky if they say yes. I realized my dad has very little...if any..confidence in me at all. and he doesn’t listen. he completely factored out the personality meshing part of finding me a husband.
he's finding me desperate people that wont say no to me.
But what about me? I'm not desperate at all. I'm more than content - I'm happy with myself. And i've worked hard to get to where i am and continue to go in that direction. I feel like i deserve to be happy with my marriage ( or is that really too much to ask for?) I feel like i don’t deserve to settle. not yet anyways.
He's not listening.
All my life i've told him that i want to work in Pakistan and teach English in the poor villages. I have no intention of staying in America - there are too many English teachers here anyhow.
He knows I'm idealistic and revolutionary, so why is he trying to find me someone who wants to settle quietly? i can appreciate his consideration for wanting me to live like a queen, but at the same time he's known all along that i've intended to live a life of struggle.
I feel like... I give up on him and my uncle ever understanding what i want to do with my life. Its true that a lot of people are meant to work lovely simple lives but i know in my heart that i've i'm not one of them.
I cant explain how much i wish my dad didn’t think i was ugly. but he's said it point blank to me too many times for it to be anything other than the ugly truth. i wish it didn’t hurt so much every time he says it, but it does. Everything that i work to be proud of in myself, he breaks down in two days without even a little remorse because he has no idea what he's doing.
It's a miserable cycle. I build myself up, he shatters it, i recover, build myself up again, etc etc. and so it continues.
But because of this i realized that i don’t care if i don’t get married. Don’t get me wrong, i would absolutely love to get married. It's always been a dream. I've always wanted to marry an eldest son with tons of siblings so that i can get them married off and hold feasts in my house. I’ve always wanted to be best friend with my mother-in-law and drink tea with my father-in-law. and I’ve always wanted a husband that will lean on me and allow me to lean in him - thinks of me as an equal and confides in me like a best friend. I’ve always wanted it.
But i realize now that if it doesn’t happen, i wont die. I have plenty more to live for and i will be perfectly. *i can thank my dad for this epiphany*.
I know i've painted a horrible picture here and its not all to it. My dad and uncle are both great guys. I know they love me and i will always love them, and be in debt to them for all they’ve ever done for me. it’s just that on this one very sensitive topic they, and a lot of my family really. can seem unnecessarily cruel for considering me ugly and letting it show (and hey, its not like i crack mirrors or anything). Aside from this, they are all wonderful and i do love them all and i know that they love me. positively - I can them for this experience. yes, i was the guinea pig, but at least now i can offer support and direction when my younger cousins go through it(because unfortunately they will, and the least i can do is offer support).
Anyhow, my biggest conclusion is that i am not worth nothing. I deserve my happiness (i hope) and i will not compromise it for a settlement of bored, aimless, continuity.
I'm sure Fahad, the guy, will make a great husband for the right girl, but i'm not the right girl. the fact that we weren’t even a little attracted to each other - i refuse to give him my virginity or take his. neither of our parents would see grandchildren. and if our marriage would ever take place, i would drop out of college because there would be no point in it if i couldn’t do what i wanted. so no, i wont meet fahad again because i'm going to say no - its too much to compromise for nothing in return
And i'm apologizing for my own prior and previous judgments about him - we just don’t mesh and that’s that.
I'm still and advocate of arranged marriages because i still want my parents to find a son, not just a son-in-law. and i want to have their blessings when/if i do get married.
i will try to talk to my dad and uncle again, but i doubt they'll change their minds anytime soon. i could lose weight to prove myself to them but i don’t want to lose weight for anyone else but me - and i feel comfortable with myself for the time being. besides, they’re the father-figures - i shouldn’t have to prove myself for their approval. the fact that i do need to do this in this case, makes it a sure fire thing that i wont lose an ounce (rebellious much?)
I'm confiding in my mom to find me someone. at least she'll look out of race. after all, i don’t care what 3rd world country i work in, as long as i'm helping somewhere. if my husband is a Nigerian or Chinese Muslim, as long as at least he has family in the country i'll be fine (the whole point of picking Pakistan was that the rest of my family was there). and like i said, if i don’t find the right person - or rather, if my parents don’t find the right person..its no big deal.
I've been told too many times by too many people that i'm a good person and deserve a lot more. while i don’t see what’s all that great about me, i do see that I’m not horrible and would like to feel/think that i deserve this happiness.
so my stand is there, my goal is there. i apologize once again and am thankful once again. love is not to be taken for granted and i know i am loved and i love back ten-fold. and most importantly i have to forgive. i want to forgive my dad and uncle and family for breaking and belittling me. i know they don’t mean to, don’t know any better (danm cultural influence), have good intentions, and love me all the same. so god knows - forgive them all for all the pain and hurt completely. and i can pray for is that they do the same for me.
And to end on a final proper and positive note: i love sleeping. nap time - here i come!
I don’t care to be judged, that happens regardless. I cant promise replies to everything if anything. I'm just offering food for thought as well a chance to let me lay out a bit of my life so that it clogs my brain a little less.
------------------2/16/2010
So I've always been in favor of an arranged marriage for myself. I've never even wanted to find a husband on my own.
Think what you will, I feel like I’ve already heard it all and regardless of it all, my opinion has remained the same.
The way I see it is (thankfully) I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. they know me inside-out and i've never really had anything to hide from them. And i know that i would easily say yes to a guy if he could make me feel special enough, know the right things to say at the right time. Love is blind, I know, and that's why I've never allowed myself to fall in love (from my experience, it is surprisingly possible).
Meanwhile, my parents' criteria is detailed and well prepared for the future, to find me a husband as close to perfect as possible. Good degree, good job, personality to mesh with mine, etc. etc. So why in good sense would I say no to them?
It's not like they’re forcing me to get married. They pick a guy, our families meet, if we like each other there are more family gatherings and group dates. if we don’t like each other, its a simple no. not too complicated.
But now that I’m actually going through the process, i can see a few holes in the game plan. not many holes, but enough that we've got to pause and patch them up before moving on.
the first and foremost issue is that my father has turned a blind eye to something. what that is exactly, i cant really put my finger on - but he's put a blind eye to something. it's as if he's stopped observing and judging, stopped realizing the flaws in the matter, and is subconsciously painting over the flaws and trying to justify them.
I saw this because of the awful Sunday i experienced. Allow me to start from the beginning - roughly 2 weeks ago. You see every two weeks my roommate and i drive back home to visit our family (because we're both Asian and our parents feel odd if they don’t see us for too long - maybe I’ll explain this in a later blog).
Anyhow, so as soon as i got back on campus my dad calls me all excited and whatnot to say that there's a family interested in and i was going to meet them Sunday of the weekend we returned.
I was kind of anxious but i thought to myself - everything will be fine.
Well everything was not so fine at all. Jump ahead 2 weeks, my face is all waxed and smooth, proper clothes and pretty hijab - here i am all primped up to meet this family that was interested in me and well, i wish i hadn’t gone through the trouble.
First of all i was shocked when the parents sent us upstairs to be able to talk privately. i know i sound absolutely ridiculous and confused for saying that but i really expected, and wanted, to spend the first meeting in a family setting... regardless, at least my friend Andrea, who had spent the weekend with me, and my 16 year old brother were there too.
It...was...horrible. I was the only one asking questions.
Me: " so what's your major?"
Him: " blah blah blah...and you?"
Me: " blah blah blah, so what are your hobbies?"
Him: "blah blah blah...and you?"
*thank you for your consideration mr. 'and you?'
This is how our entire monotone conversation continued.
I tried to tell anecdotes and crack jokes - not even a pity laugh on his part. And if I didn’t say anything, well he seemed just fine with that because he didn’t take the initiative to talk at all.
The only time his face lit up was when Farhan, my brother, asked him if he was a gamer. He went into how he played his XBOX 360 and how he got this sweet system for 200 bucks on some game website...husband material? i think not.
I was so bored, and i could tell he was too. He didn’t even look like he was interested in marriage. In fact he looked like he masturbated 5 times a day to princess Zelda and was completely content with that * ah but there i go cruelly judging again* ( i know, i know - its a horrible habit)
The bottom line was that we were not attracted to each other in the slightest way. He likes being alone, in his quiet neighborhood, and is perfectly content with remaining at Center Point Energy his entire life (and i'm not saying any of this is bad, it's just not me).
Meanwhile I'm idealistic and want to move to a third world country to teach English, and man do I love the bustling city! ( I love falling asleep to the traffic noise of the highway!)
He wants a working woman (not a career woman, mind you) who will take care of his home and cook at least meals a day.
I want a man with a great sense of humor who can admire and help me achieve my goals - someone i can laugh, and debate, and even argue with and it'll be okay because we know we're committed to each other forever. someone i can be spontaneous and ridiculous with so we can get back in each other's good books whenever we hit a rough patch (cause we're bound to hit a number of rough patches).
This guy even looked down at my dreams "oh.. you’re one of those change the world people...heh"
WHAT THE FUCK!!
*Deep breath* anyhow, the problem is that after they left, and i told my uncle and dad no, well...they were more than a little disappointed.
And i was in utter shock.
Their view:
He's got a good degree, a good job. Not many friends, he's simple, doesn’t smoke - what the hell is the problem? you’re an 18 year old naive girl, how can you possibly judge him in 5 minutes? we'll be lucky if they say yes.
My view:
Every married man in our family has a good job and degree- they’re still in debt. I haven’t been raised like a queen, i know how to do without. (I would rather start poor, end poor and be happy without debt, rather than start rich, end poor with tons of debt). Not many friends= socially awkward (i was so judging), simple= boring and easily stepped on, doesn’t smoke = can he at least smoke! I may just be 18 but i know I'm not as foolish as my uncle and dad think i am. how can i judge someone in 5 minutes? because that's all it takes when you’re being straight forward. (besides, they wouldn’t question my 5 minute judgment if I’d said yes).
My dad is severely disappointed. My uncle doesn’t get it. My mom is the only one on my side (Allhamdullillah!)
My dad still thinks I'll be lucky if they say yes. I realized my dad has very little...if any..confidence in me at all. and he doesn’t listen. he completely factored out the personality meshing part of finding me a husband.
he's finding me desperate people that wont say no to me.
But what about me? I'm not desperate at all. I'm more than content - I'm happy with myself. And i've worked hard to get to where i am and continue to go in that direction. I feel like i deserve to be happy with my marriage ( or is that really too much to ask for?) I feel like i don’t deserve to settle. not yet anyways.
He's not listening.
All my life i've told him that i want to work in Pakistan and teach English in the poor villages. I have no intention of staying in America - there are too many English teachers here anyhow.
He knows I'm idealistic and revolutionary, so why is he trying to find me someone who wants to settle quietly? i can appreciate his consideration for wanting me to live like a queen, but at the same time he's known all along that i've intended to live a life of struggle.
I feel like... I give up on him and my uncle ever understanding what i want to do with my life. Its true that a lot of people are meant to work lovely simple lives but i know in my heart that i've i'm not one of them.
I cant explain how much i wish my dad didn’t think i was ugly. but he's said it point blank to me too many times for it to be anything other than the ugly truth. i wish it didn’t hurt so much every time he says it, but it does. Everything that i work to be proud of in myself, he breaks down in two days without even a little remorse because he has no idea what he's doing.
It's a miserable cycle. I build myself up, he shatters it, i recover, build myself up again, etc etc. and so it continues.
But because of this i realized that i don’t care if i don’t get married. Don’t get me wrong, i would absolutely love to get married. It's always been a dream. I've always wanted to marry an eldest son with tons of siblings so that i can get them married off and hold feasts in my house. I’ve always wanted to be best friend with my mother-in-law and drink tea with my father-in-law. and I’ve always wanted a husband that will lean on me and allow me to lean in him - thinks of me as an equal and confides in me like a best friend. I’ve always wanted it.
But i realize now that if it doesn’t happen, i wont die. I have plenty more to live for and i will be perfectly. *i can thank my dad for this epiphany*.
I know i've painted a horrible picture here and its not all to it. My dad and uncle are both great guys. I know they love me and i will always love them, and be in debt to them for all they’ve ever done for me. it’s just that on this one very sensitive topic they, and a lot of my family really. can seem unnecessarily cruel for considering me ugly and letting it show (and hey, its not like i crack mirrors or anything). Aside from this, they are all wonderful and i do love them all and i know that they love me. positively - I can them for this experience. yes, i was the guinea pig, but at least now i can offer support and direction when my younger cousins go through it(because unfortunately they will, and the least i can do is offer support).
Anyhow, my biggest conclusion is that i am not worth nothing. I deserve my happiness (i hope) and i will not compromise it for a settlement of bored, aimless, continuity.
I'm sure Fahad, the guy, will make a great husband for the right girl, but i'm not the right girl. the fact that we weren’t even a little attracted to each other - i refuse to give him my virginity or take his. neither of our parents would see grandchildren. and if our marriage would ever take place, i would drop out of college because there would be no point in it if i couldn’t do what i wanted. so no, i wont meet fahad again because i'm going to say no - its too much to compromise for nothing in return
And i'm apologizing for my own prior and previous judgments about him - we just don’t mesh and that’s that.
I'm still and advocate of arranged marriages because i still want my parents to find a son, not just a son-in-law. and i want to have their blessings when/if i do get married.
i will try to talk to my dad and uncle again, but i doubt they'll change their minds anytime soon. i could lose weight to prove myself to them but i don’t want to lose weight for anyone else but me - and i feel comfortable with myself for the time being. besides, they’re the father-figures - i shouldn’t have to prove myself for their approval. the fact that i do need to do this in this case, makes it a sure fire thing that i wont lose an ounce (rebellious much?)
I'm confiding in my mom to find me someone. at least she'll look out of race. after all, i don’t care what 3rd world country i work in, as long as i'm helping somewhere. if my husband is a Nigerian or Chinese Muslim, as long as at least he has family in the country i'll be fine (the whole point of picking Pakistan was that the rest of my family was there). and like i said, if i don’t find the right person - or rather, if my parents don’t find the right person..its no big deal.
I've been told too many times by too many people that i'm a good person and deserve a lot more. while i don’t see what’s all that great about me, i do see that I’m not horrible and would like to feel/think that i deserve this happiness.
so my stand is there, my goal is there. i apologize once again and am thankful once again. love is not to be taken for granted and i know i am loved and i love back ten-fold. and most importantly i have to forgive. i want to forgive my dad and uncle and family for breaking and belittling me. i know they don’t mean to, don’t know any better (danm cultural influence), have good intentions, and love me all the same. so god knows - forgive them all for all the pain and hurt completely. and i can pray for is that they do the same for me.
And to end on a final proper and positive note: i love sleeping. nap time - here i come!
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