Ramadan is Upon Us - Stay Tuned!

So I won't even begin with an apology anymore. The fact is that I have become horribly inconsistent and my inconsistency will probably continue over the next semester.
However, Inshallah I am trying to make the month of Ramadan an exception.
This is my stepping stone to my project: 30 Days of Ramadan.
I honestly don't know everything that I will be blogging about, but I want to attempt this project because I think it will help me grow, and hopefully anyone who reads this blog will learn something or at least get some food for thought until Iftar (lol, I find myself clever xD). 

I hope everyone is having a great summer, and stay tuned! 

Sobia. 

Did you know Muslims have two Eids?

Hello Readers!

It seems everyone knows that Muslims have An Eid – the one right after the month of Ramadan is infamous.
But when last Tuesday rolled around and I yelled out “Eid Mubarak!” on my Facebook, I realized there were quite a few people in my own circle who did not realize that Muslims have two Eids. Which made me think, there are probably a lot more people out their who don’t have a single Muslm in their circle, let alone know what Eid is at all.

So here I am blogging!

To take it from the top, I’m going to assume most of everyone is at least familiar with Ramadan but just in case, here is a quick description:
Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar. During these 30 days, Muslims all over the world fast – abstain from eating, drinking, and sexual activity from sunrise to sunset everyday.
That’s a basic.
Ramadan encompasses so much more though.  The spirituality, the unity, it all deserves its own blog post.
Which I wrote just recently! Here’s a link to my Ramadan post if you’re interested in reading more from a personal perspective: http://sobiasiddiqui.blogspot.com/2013/07/didnt-ramadan-just-arrive.html
And here is a link to little site that explains it from a general Muslim/Islamic perspective: http://www.whatisramadan.com/

After Ramadan, Muslims celebrate Eid-al-Fitr – a celebration to conclude the month of Ramadan. This month includes Eid prayer, meeting with family and friends, breaking out new and clean clothes, eating all day (not in a gluttonous manner of course), and being happy and joyous and celebrating life and the blessings of the month of Ramadan.

Now it seems everyone is aware of this Eid. So when Eid-al-Adha rolls around 2 Islamic months later, I hear this question often “Didn’t Eid just happen?”
Yes, Eid-al-Fitr. But Eid-al-Adha just arrived!

Eid-al-Adha falls on the tenth day of the month of Dhul-Hijjah. During the first ten days of this month Muslims from all over the world that have traveled to Saudi Arabia are in the process of completing the holy pilgrimage (which we might discuss in a future post, I haven’t decided yet..let me know if you would like to know more and I’ll blog it).
While those who were able to make it to Mecca, Saudi Arabia are completing their pilgrimage – otherwise known as Hajj, the Muslims who remained home
celebrate Eid-al-Adha.

So the point here was: it’s part of a holy month, it’s a holy day, and everything Muslims do in celebration and worship is synonymous with every other Muslim all around the world. In fact one of the biggest, essential, aspects of being a Muslim is the unity that it involves.
But I digress.

So we have the back story, and we know what the first Eid celebrates, so what about this one? What does Eid-al-Adha celebrate?

Eid-al-Adha is a celebration in commemoration to Prophet Ibrahim (known as Abraham biblical-ly). I’m sure most of us, whether we follow an Abrahamic-religion or not, are somewhat familiar with this story but just in case I’ll again give the basics:
Prophet Ibrahim had a disturbing dream of himself, walking his son up a mountain and killing him by running a knife across his neck. At first he chalked it up to a random, albeit disturbing, nightmare. However, as he continued to have this dream again, and again, he realized it was a call to action from God – a call to action as a testimony of his fate. He has this grating mental anguish and tells his son. His son being as devout as his father, agrees that this is a message from God, and agrees that what must be done – must be done.

So they travel up the mountain, Prophet Ibrahim lays his son down, closes his eyes, says a prayer, and runs the knife across his neck.
When he begins to open his eyes with fear and grief, he is instantly relived to see that his dreams really had been a message from God to testify to his devotion, and he and his son passed the test with flying colors. In place of Prophet Ibrahim’s son, the knife had struck cattle (what kind of cattle is debatable. Some say goat, others say it was a lamb).

That’s a brief. There’s so much more that goes into this account – the detailed anguish, the detailed dream, the detailed everything. A lot of us read this story today and think “that’s not how dreams work…” So I request that you keep in mind, this was in the day when the monotheistic religion was first beginning to bloom. No one has to believe it, yet I do request a basic respect because this leads into a major religious holiday for Muslims, and this account is highly revered by Christians and Jews alike.
Thank you for your consideration.

To continue, it is this account that Muslims celebrate and commemorate on Eid-al-Adha.
Not necessarily the son part, but the devotion and faith that both Prophet Ibrahim and his son had. To be able to put their complete faith in God, especially for such a trying test as this one.
That is what is revered.

So on the day of Eid-al-Adha, Muslims all over the world say a prayer and cut cattle (there are a few technicalities that I won’t go into detail here – such as how to tame the animal, how to cut, etc etc. Again, I can post about it if you request it).
Of the meat then 1/3 is passed out to family and friends (usually, to family and friends who were unable to afford a ‘sacrifice’ –  though I like the Arabic word for this better – Qurbani. It’s just a matter of positive and negative connotation).
1/3 is given to the poor, and 1/3 is kept at home.
This day is looked forward to by the masses in Muslim countries because with this day, even the poverty ridden do not go hungry for a few nights.

Before, my father would cut a goat and a cow here. But because our lifestyle here is so different, we changed it up. My father now does a Qurbani of a goat here, and has his brother do a Qurbani of a cow in Pakistan. That way that entire portion is allotted to the poor there.
The celebration tends to last 3-4 days. The first day is usually the most exhausting. After the Qurbani, and this is an account from my house, my father and I, or my father and brother go out and pass out the 2/3 of the meat here.
My mother cooks half of our house’s portion, and we have people drifting in and out all day.
Again, aside from the meat aspect, it’s about praying together, meeting with family and friends, breaking out new clothes, and giving gifts.

And taking nonsensical pictures like this one of course.

And that my friends, is Eid-al-Adha in a nutshell.
There is a lot that I have not included because then I do drift into tangents and technicalities. As usual though, feel free to ask questions or request a post.
I hope however, that I have included enough to help you understand what Eid-al-Adha is all about in the Muslim world: why we have two Eids in the first place, and the importance that this one holds, even if it is not mentioned as often.

Again, if you have questions or would like to request a post, please feel free to do so!

Sobia

Didn't Ramadan JUST Arrive??

I could have sworn I broke my first fast yesterday! Time really does fly when you're having fun.

Whenever Ramadan rolls around, all the Muslims I see are just in major glee-mode (the emotion not the show o.o). I don't know if I speak for anyone else with this one - but I started dearly missing Ramadan six months after it was over last year.

Actually, right at the beginning of this Ramadan, I met up with a friend from Baylor and we got to talking about everything this month entails for Muslims. Usually when people hear that we go the whole day without food or water, they get concerned and feel bad for us.
And I guess when we give that basic explanation, it's easy to see where they're coming from. I'm sure if I wasnt familiar with Ramadan, I would be concerned for the Muslims too!

But we got to talking, and I started explaining and realizing all over again how strange we can seem :)
The whole day without food and water, and the fact of the matter is we actually look forward to this month desperately every year, and most of us feel quite depressed once it's over. wut. lol, but why?
Why?
Because really and truly, the lack of food and drink is just the physical aspect. There is so much more, sooo much more! to Ramadan than that. I'm trying not write in my scatterbrained manner here, but to begin, there is the unity in the community again.

If you're a Masjid goer regularly, then that's you. And if you're a 'seasonal,' Muslim then that's you too. Some of us have different areas in our lives that we channel our faith in, more or less strongly than other areas in our lives. But regardless of all that, when Ramadan comes around everyone is making an above-and-beyond effort, with the hopes that Inshallah these actions will become positive, permanent, habits in our lives.
And who knows, maybe this is the Ramadan where that aspect of our lives that is lukewarm with faith, will warm up some more. Maybe this is the Ramadan that will inspire someone to become more than a seasonal Muslim, or add a daily good-deed to their lives. Inshallah.
We make goals with Allah in mind. We remember what it means to be a Muslim. We look out for each other, feed and feast with each other, and we pray together.

That's the other thing. Whether there is a sense of unity and community during the rest of the year, Ramadan never fails to bring the feeling of togetherness back. You meet people you haven't talked to in while, and make a conscious effort to socialize more with them even after Ramadan. You meet respected speakers and teachers, your peers, your neighbors.
There is fund-raising at the Masjid, and everyone is looking out for all the little kiddos at play, and everyone is aiding all the elderly that need help getting to their seats to pray. We remember what it means to be a part of this great Ummah, Allhamdullillah.
And speaking of the Masjid, can we talk about Tarawi? Praying every night at  the Masjid, listening to an entire part of the Quran recited every night, and brimming with tears every single time the Vitr dua is made. Everyone is standing shoulder to shoulder, making dua as if our lives depended on it (which they kinda do xD).
At that point, even a good majority of the little kids run inside to stand with their parents to make dua. Albeit, their duas may consist more of 'please Allah, I want blank and blank for Eid.' But it's dua nonetheless! And it feels just amazing to see the future of our Ummah (Inshallah) so familiar with being a Muslim already. My 6 year old cousin, after every Vitr prayer, turns to me and says "I said thank you for everything to Allah!" LOL Subhanallah.
It's a beautiful 2-3 hours every night that makes Ramadan so spectacular.

And there are the all-nighters that extend those beautiful hours until the wee morning hours of Fajr.
I don't know if many other Masjids have all-nighters, so I'll explain a little about this.
Every Friday of Ramadan, a different Masjid has a different speaker over a different topic to educate us.
The programs are called Ramadan Recharge, and that name is very adequate.
The speakers do a fantastic job of educating over various topics, from the Day of Judgment, to the characteristics of Prophet Mohammad (pbuh), to our goals not just in Ramadan but in life. You really do feel recharged afterwards. Usually after the lectures are over, everyone prays Qiyaam together, and then we eat together, and then we start our fast for the day together.

And even eating together is an adventure! The Masjid provides Suhoor, the morning meal, but a good majority of the time we opt for IHOP or Denny's. So you get these flocks of hijabis and thob-ed men at the 24-hour restaurants, occupying nearly every table at 3-4 in the night, trying to get their meal in before it's time to stop.
And man let me tell you, that is one awesome sight to see.
And an even better sight to be a part of.

And after fasting the whole day, waking up for prayers, avoiding the sun, etc etc, how can anyone under-emphasize Iftaar time. When it's time to break fast, the Muslims are a munchin. Again, I don't know how it is for everyone else, but all of my family likes to get together for the majority of our Iftaars, so it's like potluck galore 22/30 days. It's insane! And so delicious! And the reason we gain more weight in Ramadan than we ought to xD!

But Allhamdullillah for all of it. And after Iftaar and Maghrib prayer, it's off to the Masjid for Tarawi, and it all starts again. Does it become tedious?
Not at all.
Is it hectic?
It can be, what with work and school, and daily life continuing as is.

But the fact of the matter is, once Ramadan is gone, we miss it.

I was actually listening to the radio on my way from school, and in one of the segments they were talking about Muslims and fasting. A question that was asked was, what do you do when their is food in front of you? How do you resist?
That got me thinking again: firstly, over why anyone would put in front of you on purpose! I mean I grew up fasting and still chilling in the cafeteria with my friends. There was food on every corner of the table, but the Muslims, myself included obviously, never seemed tempted to break their fast and dig in. It just elicited forlorn looks at the clock xD So if someone were to purposely waft food in front of us, it's not a matter of lack of will, it's a matter of you're a douche and the this day needs to move a little faster.

On the more serious reflection: the older you get and the more you understand of Ramadan, the less it becomes about food.
Yes you're hungry.
But in that hunger there is amazement, that we are going for so many hours without physical sustenance, yet Allah keeps us walking, talking, and doing so much more. It's a reminder that He takes car of us. And so we spend our time remembering him.
The lack of food gives us so much more - the appreciation of what we do have, and what we might not have had. The gratefulness for Allah's love. The realization (again) of just how truly dependent we are, and how truly great He is.
And from everyone that I have talked to, at the end of the day and at the end of Ramadan, it's not the lack of food that anyone remembers. Why? Because whatever we did, we did in worship of Allah, we did in love of Allah. So it didn't hurt. It felt glorious. And when it's over, we miss it.
We don't remember the food, we remember the unity, the nights of Tarawi, the heart-wrenching Vitr duas, the all-nighters and amazing lectures, the 4a.m. IHOP runs, and the utter  sense of peace and completeness.

So after Ramadan is over, we try to retain as much of that as possible.
We make goals to memorize new Surahs from the Quran, pray all our prayers and add reading the Quran to our daily to-do list. We remind ourselves to go to the Masjid more, look out for the poor, and aid the elderly and young ones alike. We remember to greet our angels, and remember that more than anything, Allah is our sustenance. And through it all, we gain a little more strength to move progressively through life.

And so Allhamdullillah, here we are in the last 10 days of Ramadan with so much to reflect over, and so many duas to make, and with so little time (clearly!). As much as I love Eid, I'm already depressed at how fast Ramadan is going by. There is an immense inner peace I feel during this month.
Inshallah, my goal is to retain as much of that after Ramadan is over. Lose the anger, lose the gossip, add more smiles and pass more compliments Inshallah.

What has your Ramadan been like? What are your goals for after Ramadan? And if you don't celebrate Ramadan, what are your thoughts?

We've all been thinking about it.

Hello, hello. First post in a long time, and I was planning on starting with Ramadan but I’m going to switch gears and talk about the bitter taste of justice we all had to swallow in the past 24 hours.
Of course, I’m referring to the Zimmerman case.
Now before I go on with anything, I will state right now that I do not know details. I wasn't in that court room, I don’t know the evidence presented, I don’t know how the jury was told to take that evidence, and in the end I don’t know why the sentence came out as it did. And you know what; the majority of us do not know these things. We only know, what we've been allowed to know.
However, regardless of not knowing all of the above, there is one thing I know without a shadow of a doubt – Trayvon Martin was shot and killed. He did not die of natural causes or some freak accident, he was shot. He is no longer alive. And the man that shot him, is now Scott-free.
It’s not sitting right with me. I’m not saying put him in jail for life. I’m not saying there should be an eye for an eye. I’m just saying, there should be some form of actual justice here. How was he acquitted for everything?

I was listening to two different radio stations to and from school, and of course this case was on everyone’s minds. I heard some interesting opinions. On 104.1, multiple callers were sending out their prayers to the Martin family, but one caller stood out in particular. I don’t remember her name, but I remember that what she wanted to emphasize were the strides we are making in the judicial system (so far as strides can be made with the judicial system). She pointed out that people were not happy with the verdict, so now there are protests and a call for a civil rights charge against Zimmerman. Her bottom line was ‘the system works!’
I agree, we’re moving along pretty okay. But that last statement  - the system works! – That’s the part I can’t agree with yet. If the system worked, someone would be answering for this death. Right?
Again, I don’t know all the facts.
It was also interesting to notice that no one on KRBE brought up race. Race has been brought up many times over; it’s still a sensitive issue for a lot of us. But I was impressed that race was not the first thing on these caller’s minds. That may be the underlying cause, or not. We may have taken a step forward or backward, it’s hard to say. But the main cause for so many people being upset is that Trayvon is dead, and the man that killed him is free without ANY penalty. American citizens being upset – that’s not about race here, it’s about humanity. Whose heart doesn’t go out to the Martin family? I can’t even imagine what they must be going through.
The other station I was listening to was KTRH.

BIG MISTAKE. I stopped listening to KTRH for a while because it gave me a headache, but for whatever reason I switched channels today.
Massive headache? You bet.
I don’t know who the speaker was, I only turned the radio on for a brief drive, but it was enough to get my blood boiling. The speaker was talking about how he agreed with the verdict, the system works, people are throwing these fits and ignoring bigger issues etc etc.
But then he went and switched gears, and started getting rowdy about how CARE and the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee (ADC) sent word of their support to NAACP.
….Why is this an issue sir? Why did it irk you so much that CARE and ADC were as heartbroken as the rest of the American public, and sent their support and prayers to NAACP and the Martin family? It’s not a matter of religion; it’s a matter of humanity. (How many times have I repeated that? Clearly, I’m still irked).
I won’t go into all he said. Truth be told, it’s not worth it. The bottom line is that over a tragedy such as this, people can still take all the bad of the situation and make it worse. You have two American organizations, supporting a third American organization over a tragedy, and you've still got people who will look at it and say ‘It has nothing to do with race! Why is America throwing a fit? And why are these MUSLIMS getting involved! Why are they speaking at all about OUR system?’
Please tell me I’m not the only one to see the contradiction in that thought process.
I mean bro, where did the attack on Muslims even come from? This tragedy isn't even about Muslims! Random hate. Inappropriate timing. Inappropriate message. You know what, inappropriate person, someone ought to send this man to finishing school.
GAWH.

Look I’m not saying there aren't worse things going on the world – of course there are. There are still wars, illnesses, and suffering that we can’t begin to fathom. So why are we focusing on this case? Because we want some form of justice. We want to know that when tragedies like this happen, we can depend on our government to get to the bottom of things. I know I know, according to the facts presented, Zimmerman could not be convicted. But what about the fact that he did shoot Trayvon? Who answers for that lost life? We can throw around race, and judicial system, and why’s and how’s and technicalities. But at the heart of it all, is the fact that Trayvon is gone. You know what, maybe if Zimmerman showed regret, some form of remorse over his actions, we would feel less triggered. But so far, I haven’t heard anything. Have you? I don’t hear everything, so maybe I’m missing something. Did Zimmerman issue at least an apology to the family? Can anyone fill in these blanks?

So those are the frustrations we’re facing as Americans.
Prayers for the Martin family, for losing their son in such an awful way, and then having to deal with a trial like this. 

'Fun' Little Ideas That Seem To Cross Everyone's Minds, And All My Tangents As A Response.

Hey Ya'll!
So I know I haven't posted any rants and whatnots for eons now, and I feel awful for that!
I sorries!
 Life has taken a sharp turn for the busy, but Allhamdullillah, in a very good way! Weddings to go to, parties to plan, packing for Pakiland (yes, I'll be headed there soon Inshallah!! ) so all in all, busy but fun.

I've had a lot of things that I've wanted to write about but because I haven't had the opportunity, they're still bullet-point ideas in a notebook. However, recent inquires have made, at least this entry, an absolute necessity. So, I hope my life and rants continue to entertain you as you read on! xD

Now, as I stated above, Inshallah I'll be headed to Pakiland soon. The most exciting, and frightening, thing about it is that this will be my first solo trip there.
0____0 is the constant state of my mind and face lately.
But the interesting thing on the part of everyone else, is that no one wants to believe that I'm going to Pakiland just for the sake of meeting my family. I won't say everyone, but QUITE a few people think I'm heading over there to trap me a man! (Yes it's one of those entries. Brace yourselves).

So yeah, this is the common misconception of my life at the moment. That I am going to Pakistan to find a husband and live happily ever after with him, I, and that tantalizing green card.
Because you know. I can't get a guy here.
Nothing to do with the fact that I am not interested in getting married at the moment.
Or that I've told my parents no Rishtas.
Or that I'm focusing on loans and school.
It's because I CAN'T get a guy here, so I'm going there. Where some guy is bound to yes, if only for the allure of coming to America.

............
Seriously?!!?
Can I get a break in this department, because that would just be greatly appreciated.

I don't know what this blog should be considered - a rant? a public awareness announcement? a hissyfit?
Whatever it is, it is being typed as I think, to relay one major message: I do not want to get married right now.
Again:

SOBIA IS NOT INTERESTED IN GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW.

I have horrendous loans on my head, an education with minuscule-ly slow progress, and no job experience.
Marriage is definitely not on the top of my priority list. Or even in the middle.
It's actually floating somewhere at the bottom amongst  travelling to the moon and adopting a penguin to raise in Texas.
Look, I'm not saying that if the right guy happened to drop into my life and get down on one knee (metaphorically speaking) that I would say no. That's just silly. But so far as I can see, my right guy hasn't made an appearance in my life yet, so! Back to the blog.

My most major concern is paying off my loans, which will take a while. But I just can't see myself going into a marriage with x-amount of loans as baggage. The way I see it, PCOS is enough baggage. I'm not keen on adding anything more with that, especially considering all that PCOS encompasses. (If you need a refresher, here's the link:http://sobiasiddiqui.blogspot.com/2011/09/be-warned-we-will-be-discussing-lot-of.html)
So just for general knowledge, here is the plan for the next couple of years of my life (Inshallah Inshallah Inshallah!)
1- Get a Job.
2- Pay of loans with said Job.
3- Finish getting a degree from somewhere.

And then we'll see.
Without that, I feel like I have nothing to offer. Am I just supposed to walk into marriage with the promise of a fabulous personality and a football team of children, and hope everything works out peachy-keen?? Sarcasm intended indeed.
I want to work when I get married.
I'm not trying to bash the housewife aspire-ers. I actually really commend housewives because they are able to manage life with a grace that I just do not possess. But I aspire to be a worker. Either a teacher or a social worker, or something. But I'm not one of the girls that the life of a housewife is suited for, at all. So I can't go into a marriage without a means of working.
Don't get me wrong, I do want my husband to be the breadwinner and, please, take care of me. Whether we live in a 4 bedroom house, or a dinky single-room apartment, I don't care. I just want to be taken care of by my husband. With my paycheck I can take care of things like my little luxuries, or gifts we're supposed to give, or little house needs, etc etc. But those things. I want to work, and I want to be cared for, and I want to be a partner to my husband, who can take care of him as much as he can take care of me. And considering all those wants that I am ill prepared for, it really isn't the time for me to be getting married right now.
Plus the other fact of the matter is that I am just enjoying my life a lot as it is. I'm in no rush to go changing something that's already been so good, Allhamdullillah.

So back from my tangent, no. No, to anyone who is curious or was curious, the answer is no. No I am not going to Pakistan to find a husband.
And you know what, while we're on this subject, allow me to specify why this would not be a possibility even if I was trying to get married.
Just like we grow up with a certain lifestyle in America, with habits and expectations, the same obviously applies to people all around the world (I know ya'll are all smart enough to put the whole abundance of differing cultures and social structures hand in hand, but this is just a quick reiteration).
And we expect all that, plus understanding and chemistry and all that jazz from our spouse.
Now maybe if I had been raised in a traditional Pakistani home, none of this would be an issue. But that's not how I was raised. Allhamdullillah, Ammi and Abu have always been quite open minded, trusting, and they have been open to growing with their kids. So while my parents are Pakistani, I am a Muslim American girl, with blended morals, interchanging speech with Urdu and English, and values from every aspect of my life.
Our experiences shape us. And my experiences have not shaped me to be a 'typical' Pakistani girl. Or even a 'typical' American girl. I don't know how you would define me, but I don't think it could be with one main adjective.
Anyhoo.

The point is, being raised in this mixed environment, I have grown up in an certain manner with certain ideas and habit.
None of which make me a good match for a guy living Pakistan with his own environment, manners, ideas and habit. Being family makes no difference here.
Now the list can go on and on, but here are the major reasons why my matrimony with a Paki dude in Pakiland, would just not work in this universe.

1 - I hate making chai. I mean seriously, I despise making chai. I'll make chai for my parents once a day because obviously, they're my parents. But even that is just... gawh!! I don't know why, but I hate making chai!  I like to drink chai, but because I don't like making it, I don't drink it often. But I don't think my liking or disliking chai would have anything to do with the expectation that I would have to make chai. And considering that this is a major aspect of the daily life in Pakistan, this loathing would not work.

2 - I don't like to clean. My house is not dirty, but it is very disorganized and cluttered. I've tried to fix this and it just doesn't work. I'm just naturally a disorganized person. Now in Pakistan the women have maasi's to come do the housework. We have maasi's here to. House cleaners. And they charge an arm and a leg. Not gonna happen. Even getting married to a guy here would mean calling someone maybe every 1-2 months, unless I get the spring cleaning bug. Which is very rare. But a guy brought up with a daily maasi would probably not adjust to my cluttered ways very easily..and probably with a lot of hostility...not good for a marriage. (On another quick side note - I know I'm implying that I'm not willing to change. Now while that's not exactly true, I'm clearly not willing to bend a whole lot. In my justification, I don't plan on going into a marriage with the intention of changing my husband either. That's gotta count for something).

3 - I do not cook. Ok no, I like to cook, but I do improv cooking. I like to experiment with new dishes, making them as well as dining out. I do not do the three times a day cooking. Actually I love to go out and try new restaurants. If I could name an ideal characteristic for a husband, it would be that he was as adventurous an eater as I am. And if I do ever get a craving for home food, there are plenty of restaurants that will cater to that need.

And that's just the beginning. There are so many little reasons for why things just couldn't work (at least not without a major miracle).
I'm very opinionated. If I see that something is wrong, I will shoot off my mouth. While I would never curse an adult, I don't think being an adult excuses anyone from making a mistake and owning up to that mistake. And...I tend to point that out. Which doesn't sit well with a lot of people. I get loud. I have an obnoxious laugh. If you try to ridicule me, I will do my best to one up you every time.
I love going out. I don't know if this would be an issue, but I don't see any reason to end friendships just because marriage is now a part of our lives - for either myself or my husband.
I can't take being yelled at. I know that when I get mad my voice escalates, which is why I try to stay calm but...anger is my worst enemy and it always seems to win. It's not something I'm proud of at all, but I know it's something that will be a matter to consider.
Meanwhile, on the opposing end, I can't take being yelled at (how hypocritical is that?) But the fact remains, I really can't deal with being yelled at. If my parents or my brother yell at me, it's bad enough. But if my husband, someone that I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and trusting with to a degree that I've never let anyone else near, yelled at me...I honestly don't know what I would do. I'd probably disappear from sheer hurt. Bawl my eyes out. Etc etc of the unpretty picture.

So all that. At least.
And then let's not forget the physical aspect of it all as well.
Ya'll know, I am no beauty queen. Now Allhamdullillah, I don't crack mirrors or anything. But you are not going to get a size double 0, fair skinned, frail looking Pakistani beauty. And that's just not in my control. With the PCOS I have maybe 15-20 pounds in control, but that's also constantly fluctuating. Everything else...will probably stay as is. And I've learned to be okay with that. Now most Paki dudes are not chubby-chasers so we'll just end that conversation here.
(Dang, I'm just painting the worst picture of myself in this blog aren't I? Lol. Well if a man wants to marry me after reading all this and the others, I guess I really couldn't doubt that he was the right one xD).

Now it seems like I'm bashing Paki dudes and all that jazz, but I promise I'm not trying to. We're playing into stereotypes here. People think that a single girl can only have one reason to go to Pakiland, and that's to get a man. That is not the case here, and I went through just about all the reasons why, as well as why my marrying a guy in Pakistan would probably, most likely, not work (admittedly, considering the most common stereotypes).
I don't know if that applies to the Paki dudes here, but the awesome thing about here is that there isn't a one race limit. Mashallah, there are Muslims off all backgrounds and races here. If I have to find a husband, when I'm ready, I will be looking for things like shared morals and values (and intelligence is always the biggest attracting factor, so there's that), not racial background. And who knows, if I end up marrying someone out of race, that would just be the best way to broaden my own understanding of everything. Now that is something to look forward to. But if he ends up being Paki I know a few people who will thank their lucky stars xD It makes no difference to me one way or another.
I mean yes I have a slight criteria, but then again, who doesn't.
And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think they're fairly standard - not a drinker or a smoker, hasn't dated (if I save myself, you save yourself. Fair, yes?), open minded, religiously solid (meaning he's a firm Muslim and actually follows the bulk of what he can in Islam), and about as social and adventurous as I am. Is that too much? Idk, that's the list I went off of when the rishtas were pouring in before I officially said no to all of it.

Mann, I don't know what Allah has in store for me. I don't know if and when I'm meant to get married, who to, how many kids, if any, I'm meant to have, etc etc. All I know is that, when it's supposed to happen, it will. And I'm putting my faith in that because mann, I don't do the whole hunting or rishtas deal. It's too emotionally draining.
So I figure, whenever things are supposed to happen, the right guy will just fall into my life and get the ball rolling (Inshallah) and I'm just going to leave everything at that.

So now you. What all came to your mind while reading this? Share all your thoughts! What do you think? I want opinions!

We All Have Those Tear Jerkers That We Adore

For the most part, I'm not a crier.
Yes my heart does get that sinky feeling when I see a sad scene in a movie, but crying is a whole 'nother level. In fact, I can list the 5 movies that have ever brought me to tears. (Mostly Bollywood, just a heads up. And I do have a few spoilers).

1.) Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Ghum - a Bollywood movie. I was 10 when I saw itand the whole disunion and reunion with the parents got two tears to trickle down.

2.) Khuda Ke Liye - the only successful Paki film I have ever seen. When the older brother was arrested for 'suspicion' of terrorism and tortured, I kept thinking things like 'that could have been my family. That could still be my brother (God forbid)' and man, the water works were continuous whenever the older brother appeared on screen.

3.) My Sister's Keeper - the only Hollywood movie to make me tear up. Oh man, the entire story accompanied with phenomenal acting (for the most part) had a trickling tear on my cheek every 10-15 minutes.

4.) New York - another Bollywood movie. So most of the acting was serious crap, and the story-line and depiction of Muslims was...stupid. For real. The part that got me though, again, was the scene where the guy was tortured in the cell for suspected terrorism (again!). What can I say, I think of the people I care about and then my brother especially, and the water works start a pouring. Gawh, living in America and we fear being picked up without a trial or call or rights, all under the name of some 'suspicion' that can't be proven. -BLOOD BOILING-
ok, moving on to last film because if I don't, I'll end up going on a crazy long rant about this topic alone -___-

5.) We Are Family - Man, Bollywood has got those sad, heart-wrenching scenes ON POINT. Bollywood does have this habit of trying to mimic the western world - film industry included. Now the action remakes and thrillers are just not in the same league. But when they do remake a dramatic film, they do it 10 times better. I actually liked this movie so much that I plan to add it to my collection.

And that's the list of movies that have ever, ever made me shed a tear or more. But I do know plenty of people who tear up quite often when watching movies. Some people I know find an excuse to cry in every single flick. I honestly think that's how they enjoy their movies the most, and that's totally fine. After all, we all enjoy our movies differently.
Like I said, I'm just not a big crier.
But don't get me wrong, I do love movies. I'm actually a big movie-goer.

I have two separate collections - VHS and DVD.
My VHS collection is all Disney. Cinderella, Lion King, Mulan, etc etc. Disney magic man, you just can't beat it.
And then there is my DVD collection, which has a completely different genre of movies.
This consists of musicals, serious comedies, horror, superhero movies, a few select Bollywood films, and those really pretty Asian films like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Hero.

But even all my movies, I'm ma social watcher. When I watch movies alone I feel like I'm wasting my life away. And ultimately, I am.
But when there is someone else with me, it becomes a social gathering. You enjoy the movie together, discuss it after, create inside jokes through the movie's dialogue and scenes, etc etc.
Company makes a huge difference for me, I feel like I like the movie a whole lot better too. But of course, that part is just psychological =P

Now as far as movies I don't like - well I'm always willing to give a different movie a try. However, there are a few that I can tell I won't like just by the commercial or the reputation it has.
Example: Harold and Kumar. It's a very popular movie with popular sequels but, raunchy comedies are just not my thing. I don't find myself lmao, and I don't feel like finishing the movie most of the time.n A friend of mine used an excellent term for movies of this genre; she said they have dude-appeal, which is very true! Most of the guys in my family and friend circles think these movies are just freaking hilarious.
As I said before, I can't really sit through it. I don't know how many girl like the movies, so I can't state this as a fact, but I definitely feel dude-appeal is the correct adjective.

Another movie that seemed to win people over instantly was Kick-Ass. Now I went and saw this movie for the sake of good friends (as a social watcher, I usually will go watch a movie I don't care for simply for the sake of good company), but man....I did not like it a bit. The gory, the realistic-unrealistic jumble - it just didn't have me entertained. Yet clearly they did something right because this movie had humungo positive review and gained tons of popularity.

Finally, going back to how I started this blog, there are plenty of movies that have a most of their viewers just tearing up all over the place.
Example: The Notebook, Just Go With It, A Walk to Remember - I'm sure you know this genre well.
The classic chick-flick that you sit with your girlfriend's to watch and drift into lala-land thinking of the perfect guy and how he could be yours.
Not my thing.
I just can't do it. Chick-flicks make me gag. I understand the pretty concepts and the perfect moments they try to capture, but I just can't sit through more then half an hour before having the urge to yawn...
And nope, these movies have never gotten the tears flowing from me.

What about you? What movies have made you shed a tear or two? Are you a big movie-goer, or is it not your thing? Do you like company when you watch? or are you a solitary viewer? Do you prefer theaters or at-home movies? Tell me about your movie-watching quirks!

He was an amazing person. One of the best kind to walk the earth.

Before I begin I have to excuse myself, and I hope you will too. I've had the plague for the past few days and my thought process is not up to usual speed. I have actually been trying to type this post since 4:30pm yesterday but nothing seems to be cooperating inside me. In any case, this is a an apology beforehand, for the scattery nature of this post. Also as a heads up, you should know, this post is of a more serious nature than usual. Now, onward.

Yesterday one of my father's best friends passed away.
Inna Lillaahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Raaji'oon.

We had known that his final time was approaching. Just over a week ago the doctors said he had between 3 days and 3 weeks. I think everyone put a shield over their hearts with that news so that when it did happen...well I don't know. It's never easier but we're human. We do what we think will make it easier even when we know, the passing is hard no matter what.

I know I definitely put in efforts to make this time easier.
You see, Gulam Uncle had had a stroke, I want to say about 3 years ago. His body was paralyzed, practically 90%. I know his family was in shambles.
The doctors didn't give him more than 1-2 months to live, but Mashallah, he pulled through for over a year.
However, in that year, I think I may have been the only person who had not gone to visit him. Not even once.
I know, it sounds very heartless. And if I have to be honest with myself, it was a purely selfish decision. My dad had gone to see him as soon as he received word of the stroke and when we came back, he seemed to have aged 10 more years in the span of a few hours.
There was depression written in the lines of his face, and I felt like I could hear the melancholy wheels turning in his head.

Abu described Gulam Uncle as a completely different man from the one in my memories.
The Gulam Uncle of my childhood was tall and sturdy. He was the strength and provider in his house. Gulam Uncle was always lively - always joking, laughing and smiling. He had two daughters when we all lived in the same neighborhood, and those little girls gave him the sweetest disposition. I honestly can't recall ever seeing him angry or upset. Gulam Uncle just always created an air of goodness, naturally.
But this was a far cry from the man Abu described.
When he had gone to see him that day, Gulam Uncle was very...tired. Abu said that he was still smiling and joking, but that there was tiredness on his face that refused to go.
Gulam Uncle was worried, and scared. And I know that no matter how much he may have tried, that was something he couldn't conceal.
And all this, it really affected Abu as well.
Abu couldn't believe that someone like Gulam Uncle, someone so strong and firm, could be brought down so hard. I think every time Abu went to visit Gulam Uncle after that, he came back with the same awe and disbelief from the first time. He just couldn't believe it. It made him more concerned for his health too.
I think all fathers have this sense of being the stone walls and foundation of their families. That no matter what, they can do anything, and will do anything to protect their families and that nothing can stop them from doing that.
And so for Abu to see Gulam Uncle rendered completely bed-ridden, well it gave Abu a harsh bit of reality to deal with.

All of that, all of that is why I couldn't bring myself to visit Gulam Uncle even once.
I couldn't handle the thought of replacing the Gulam Uncle from my childhood, with the one from present time.

My first memory of him was when I was 6 years old. I joined him, Gulam Uncle, and my father on a fish trip. We spent the whole day going from one pier to another fishing and enjoying the weather. I was so excited because I was the only kid who went with them, and on our trip I caught 4 little fishys and man, I just felt like the coolest little person ever.
After this memory I have little scarps of Gulam Uncle. He and my father were always very close, and that naturally made him a father-figure in my eyes.

I didn't want to see Gulam Uncle after his stroke because I knew that the Gulam Uncle who lived and the Gulam Uncle who was sick were practically two different people. I didn't want to remember Gulam Uncle as ill and bed-ridden, I wanted to remember him as the fun-loving father that I knew him to be.
And I think I succeeded in that.
I don't have the same image of Gulam Uncle in my head that most other people have.
When I hear someone talking about Gulam Uncle, the pictures that come to my mind are of our fishing trip. And of Eid namaz. And dinner parties and late night games of karem board and cards. I remember him being able to pick up his daughters in one fluent swoop, and laughing and talking with his booming voice.
That is the Gulam Uncle that I will always remember.

He was always in our prayers, but even so I know Gulam Uncle suffered a lot through this past year. And with him I know his three daughters and wife suffered as much in heartache.
I know as humans we have a tendency to question why the good people in life suffer the most.
But growing up in a Muslim household, we were always taught that God's greatest servants, are the ones that are tested the hardest.
I believe Abu and I have the same perspective, and it gives us the same hope - that the fact that Gulam Uncle suffered so much means that Allah never forgot him. That Inshallah, this past year gave him a straight ticket to Jannah, Inshallah.

Now it's the people who are alive that I feel more sorry for. A person passed, is a person passed. They will be missed, but they are part of the mystery of the after-life now. The people alive however, they have to adjust without someone very dear to them.
I know Gulam Uncle's wife and daughters will be kept in many people's duas, and there will be many people who will put forward the efforts to take care of them Inshallah.
But I know none of that will make up for this immense loss. I can't begin to imagine what they have had to go through. His wife stood by his side, unwavering, the entire time.
They had the knowledge that Gulam Uncle's time was coming to an end, and they continued to make memories with him, and care for him and each other.
They are a family to be admired, truly.

Inshallah they will be taken care of, and Inshallah Gulam Uncle is Jannah bound.
Ameen.

The Knowing, Almost Instant, Dismissal

I hate when this happens because it seems like the worst act of ignorance at times.
This is the dismissal people pass on others when they don't fully understand the problem, but think they are smart enough to solve it.
It's VERY annoying.

And I'm sure all of us have experienced this at one point or another in our lives.
The instance I can use for an example right now is my nightmares because this was a fairly recent conversation.
For the purpose of privacy, the other person will be referred to as Z.

Z - So why do you sleep downstairs?
Me - I feel safer downstairs.
Z- And a light is on because...?
Me - I have nightmares often, when I wake up I need to see where I am otherwise I freak out.
Z - Why do you have nightmares??
Me - ...I don't know...
In my mind - what the hell kind of question is that!?
Z - You're Muslim! You shouldn't have nightmares, you shouldn't be scared of other things!
Me - ....Seriously?? Are you kidding me right now?
Z - You should try thinking of positive things when you go to sleep. Or don't think of anything at all. Or count sheep!
Me - -_______- okay, you do realize that this situation isn't exactly in my control right?
Z - Are you sure?
Me - ......................................
Z - Well you should try what I told you.

What I was thinking and probably should have said:
It sounds to me like you have never has a nightmare before, so please do me a favor and shut up. You have no idea what these nightmares consist of, or how often I have them, or how long I've had them for. You don't really know anything about my situation, so I would appreciate it if you kept your ignorant advice to yourself because, believe it or not, I tried your obvious solutions eons ago with not avail. Don't act like you know what I am talking about when you really don't. And don't act like you know more than me when you're pulling words out your rear-end. Much obliged. -____-

These thoughts sound familiar to anyone? Because I've been in this situation so many times, it's ridiculous.
I've been given obvious advice about:
- Nightmares
- Insomnia
- Diet
- Career plans

People come at you asking about your issues, not fully understanding, and then offering these 'DUH!' solutions. No, of course I didn't think to try the obvious solution you just stated. I guess I'll try it now and let you know if, by some miracle, it actually works instead of all the other things I have already tried so that you can feel even more cocky about your brilliant idea.

Ok, that was exceptionally bitter. My bad. But can you tell how irked I get with this attitude??
To me, acting like this is a dismissal of the situation, which is just plain rude and disrespectful.
It makes it seem like the other person is not treating the situation seriously, when it clearly effects your life in a very serious manner. Again, rude and disrespectful.

Obviously people will try to offer advice and solutions once they find that you have an issue with something. That's natural, and caring. But in the example I gave, you tell me, did Z strike the tone of a caring person?
That tone of arrogance and knowing, that's the tone I hate. That's what makes the whole situation bitter and makes me feel like you really have no idea what's going on but you like to pretend you do.

I think people who have those odd issues that are uncommon for most understand this more. They are the ones who also have to deal with obvious advice and people who think they understand your situation. If you're like me, the genuine people are the ones you don't mind.

But like I said before, it's the people who act like know-it-all's that just piss me the hell off.

Seriously, if you don't understand the situation, don't act like you do.
Have questions? Ask them.
Have sympathy? It's welcomed.
Wanna try to understand what this person is going through? By all means. Your interest and care is appreciated.
But if you don't have the same issue, don't understand it, and still think you have something insightful to say, here's a few words of advice:
- Consider first, if what you are about to say seems like it's a 'DUH!' thing to say. If it is, don't say it.
- Consider your tone and your word selection. (Honestly, even if it is obvious advice, when it's given with the right tone and words, the thought is appreciated).
- Consider the fact that maybe you're just not fully grasping the situation (there's no harm or sham in that ya'll)
- And finally, consider the fact that maybe after considering all the above, what you are about to say is not such a gem of an idea after all and that you should keep it to yourself before you piss the other person off and come off as haughty.

And just for everyone, myself included, I think it's important for us to remember that there are plenty of things that we don't understand about other people. We don't always understand what the other person is going through, the different influences and effects of their situation, and their mind set. We don't always understand the different ways people go about handling their situation, and we should remember that what works for us doesn't necessarily work for others.
And we should always remember that if we don't understand something completely, it's better to ask to understand, instead of pretending to understand.

Which all reminds me, if I have ever passed unwanted, obvious advice your way, I'm sorry. I know how infuriating it can be. I promise I had no intention of dismissing your situation, or acting like a know-it-all about it :[

Random rant ya'll.

Reworking the wardrobe can really be a challenge yall

Before I begin, you ought to know my 'Fashion' history, although I hesitate to call it fashion because it wasn't. Even though I knew what looked good, and what should and should not go together, I never bothered to emulate any of it in my own wardrobe. As you will see, I have always been about comfort.

When I wasn't in charge of my own clothes, my mother bought me basic colored shirts or flowery prints, and pants - usually slacks.
When I got older my colors delved more into blues, blacks and grays, with the occasional pop of purple or red. I was always a huge fan of distinct jewelry so odd necklaces and dangling earrings were always a part of my wardrobe in middle school, even if they didn't ever go with anything else that I wore.
And then in high school I started my hijab so most of my earrings and necklaces went into storage. My colors were the same for the most part, but I added big sweatshirts to the whole look
a) because I could still wear my half-sleeved shirts that way and wouldn't need to go shopping and
b) do you know how comfortable those things are?? If I could, I would live in them!

Actually, now that I think about it, I kind of did live in those big sweatshirts all through high school..

Anyways, 2009 brought about the first year of college, and my style didn't much change. And when we went to Pakistan that summer of 2010, I had some suits made exactly the way I wanted, and so those became a part of daily wear as well. And that carried over through sophomore year as well.

As you can probably tell by now, I've always been about comfort. And honestly speaking, I was just plain lazy when it came to clothes. My mother had always taught me to wear loose fitted clothes, things that didn't reveal your body in fitting or sheerness, so that was never a challenge to emulate. But beyond that, I was lazy. If it was clean and 'modest' I'd throw it on and walk out.
I never bothered to match or iron anything - hobo hijabi for real yall.

But now, for the first time in practically 8 years, I'm trying to rework my whole wardrobe. And I gotta tell you, it's a freaking challenge.
I know what I want and need, but man, there are an abundance of clothing stores that do not cater to hijabis. Naturally. That's the fact of the matter so no complaining, but this does mean I have to look high and low for my pieces.
My goal for the past couple of months has been to incorporate more dresses and skirts in my wardrobe, and get rid of all of my old slacks, wrinkly shirts, and over-sized sweatshirts.

Ok, I'm lying. ALMOST all. I still want to keep a few professional pants around, and of course my salwar kamiz suits will still be there because those are perfect for me. I had them made super long and loose, but in a dress shape so I don't look like I'm drowning, and I think it would be silly to get rid of them when they work so well for me.
Anyways, so little by little I've been replacing my old closet with a new one, and the reason it's a slow process is because I'm picky in this particular field.

And I'm not picky in the sense you may be thinking. Colors and prints are a free for all. But the modesty check is where I'm picky.
Questions Muslims ask when buying clothes:
Is it long enough to cover my back and front when I sit and stand?
Is it loose enough where the figure isn't being revealed?
Is it solid enough? (Do you know how annoying it is to buy something only to realize it can't be worn because once the light hits it, it becomes glass?? Gawh, it's quite a nuisance).
I don't much ask about colors or sparkly things because thankfully, everyone wears all the colors and glittery things offered in shops, so I feel like that doesn't draw any more or less attention. And the neckline I don't have to worry much about either because there will always be something on top, or under, and then my hijab also drapes over my shoulders so thankfully I don't have to worry too much about that.

If I can't answer yes to all the other three of those questions, I'm back at square one.
And that's the easy part. It's when the answer to the questions are a 'maybe..' or an 'I'm not sure...' that makes the shopping tricky.

For instance, if the dress is long and loose at the bottom, then the top can be managed by covering up with a sweater or cardigan. But is the cardigan too fitting? Can I tie it, or does that make it too snug?
Could I pair this with a long draping hijab?
Etc. Etc.

And I'm getting introduced to some new aspects of fashion in the modern world as well.
Tights would be one of them. Until now, I haven't owned a pair of tights since I was 8 and what I have realized is that tights can give a false sense of security. If the dress worn over the tights is ankle or floor length, then I would say that's decent (and we're talking solid tights, not those weird textured or fishnets ones, I feel like those under a dress defeat the purpose too). But if the dress is knee high and worn over tights, or even skinny jeans, it defeats the purpose. Reason being that, covering doesn't just mean hiding your skin, it means hiding your shape as well.

On a side note rant: honestly, if I could charge a personal vendetta against skinny jeans I would.
Once upon a time jeans were loose, rough and tough products. You wore jeans because they were the common product, they lasted forever, and could be worn by anyone, anywhere, everywhere.
I was never one for denim, but it never bothered me until the skinny jeans fiasco broke through.
now when I think of jeans I think skinny, which is then associated with hipsters, divas, and a false sense of security that they're covering clothes because it's denim when in reality they reveal all of everything by squishing any fat into a lump that pokes out in those forsaken jeans. Girls and guys man, skinny jeans are just not attractive on either. I admit, it's a personal bias, but man do i greatly, GREATLY dislike skinny jeans.

Okay, off that bitter tangent.
So redoing a wardrobe in the modern world can have it's challenges for hijabis.

But the good news is that the challenge only makes it that much more satisfying when something is found. As of this moment I have 3 dresses, all floor length and loose Allhamdullillah. The top is the challenge. I hope that the cardigans worn on top don't make it seem fitted...maybe if I put another layer on?
Idk, I would rather look bulky and square than hint at something else.

Challenges, challenges.

In any case, I'll be doing my best to fit the major criteria.
I'm trying to redo my wardrobe in the first place because, as I'm sure you can tell by what I've already written, I never really cared before. Even now, I'd be hard pressed to say that I 'cared' a whole lot. I just figure I'm in college, I should at least dress my age, and besides that I haven't done American clothes shopping in eons so I figure it's time to clean out my closet.
But even then my laziness breaks through. Give me some long dresses, and a top and I'm done. I cant bring myself to care about matching much, or even ironing. Thank God most of the fabric is the kind that doesn't wrinkle easy xD

Anywho, I've was going through my closet and thinking all these things while I organized so I figure why not share and ask the general public about their closets.
So what about yall? Tell me your fashion history, what does your closet contain most of? When was the last time you redid your wardrobe? and when you shop, what criteria do your clothes have to meet to be purchased?

Be Warned: we will be discussing a lot of 'punctuation'

Warning: Delvin into some personal stuff here…
Ok, so if you didn’t know before you’ll know now, I have PCOS. A basic explanation of what that means, as explained to me by my doctor, is as follows:
Women with PCOS are classified as such because their ovaries are covered in a milky film that consists of multiple tiny cysts. Because of this, women with PCOS generally have messed up menstrual cycles which effects a number of other things in their body, which includes being more prone to diabetes, unnatural hair growth and unnatural weight gain. And then of course all of that effects just about everything in life. It doesn't seem like it would meddle too much in daily musings, but unfortunately it does. (End doctor part).
These women have a much harder time losing weight, which of course messes with self-image in our hollwoodized world. Hair growth is another problem. Checking to make sure they don’t look like the spawn of Sasquatch before they step out can take quite a toll on self-image too. And the whole diabetes thing – well it’s not enough to just watch what you eat. Usually these women will have to take Glugophage or Metphormin with their meals to make absolutely sure that their blood sugar is in control at all times. No one wants diabetes, especially prematurely.
I started having issues when I was 10, but we couldn't put a label on it until I was 18. We took a trip to Pakistan and went to the doctor there. They did a checkup, an ultrasound, and lo and behold, everything that was wrong with me could be classified in four capitalized letters: PCOS, which stands for poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. I remember crying the day I was finally labeled; I cried because I hated the fact that there was something legitimately wrong with me, but also because I finally knew what it was. It was a kind of relief.

I remember my adolescent years and mann, I was a hellish child. For real, the spawn of satan. My mother should get a golden carpet entrance to heaven for those 3 years alone because I look back now, and I don’t know how she didn’t kick me out of the house. I was always depressed, which caused me to always be angry. And at 11 and 12, I didn’t know how to take control of my anger. Efforts to control my emotions were always futile, and THAT was frustrating. And because we couldn’t figure out what was wrong, why I was feeling this way, and everything else, it all just became a vicious cycle of ups and downs.
I won’t go into the details of my menstrual history because, well nobody wants to delve in that personally. Hell, I don’t even want to get in that personally. What I will do is give a quick summary of the basic points, not going into month by month or emotional accounts here. So, I started when I was 10, and it was always irregular since then. At 13 one of my cycles lasted over 2 months, which scared all of us so I finally went to the endocrinologist who prescribed me birth control. Big mistake. Over the course of the 3 years I was on them, my weight shot up 60 pounds, with no hopes of losing an ounce in sight. I stopped taking them at 16 and that’s when we realized that my body had become completely dependent on them. After I stopped, I didn’t have a cycle for over a year because I wasn’t taking the medicine. Finally in Pakistan I was given medicine to regulate without hindering me like the birth control did. And very slowly, the weight has been trickling off and Allhamdullillah, I’ve been regular. = Basic summary.
Now all of this…sucked. There isn’t even a better word for it, it just sucked. From middle school through most of high school I was constantly depressed for just all of this. I hated having gained so much weight, I hated not being regular, I hated how my mood would take me from depressed to angry to just BLAH, especially during my cycle. It was like my hormones were having a rave inside my body, but I was the one with the hangover. Not cool.
And you know, I know this sounds like a sob story but the fact of the matter is, I was a teenage girl. You know you’ve all seen those movies with the high school or middle school girl feeling misfit and out of play, yadda yadda yadda. Well on the outside I was happy, and bold, and did my best to be optimistic and not think about all this. But then every day when I had to sit in front of the mirror to inspect my face and neck, making sure I plucked any unruly hair, well you can’t suppress how that makes you feel all the time. That’s when, if you multiply those teenage angst movies by 3, you get how I felt back then.
As I got older the PCOS got to me more, not because teen angst anymore, but because I realized that I had no idea whether or not I would be able to have children when I grew up (and at that point I didn’t know it was PCOS). Menstruation in woman is the biggest sign to say ‘congratulations! You have the natural ability to have babies!’ when that messes up, what are you supposed to think?
I had no idea what to think. I had to be on birth control to menstruate, which means I can have kids. But birth control hinders having kids…hence the term ‘birth control…’ very confusing.
Anyways, the point of all this is to explain how PCOS really affects women. It’s not just an illness that you can take medicine for to fix it. It’s a legitimate disorder and, get this, it doesn’t have a cure yet. The two ‘cures’ are either surgery to get the milky film physically removed, or sex (my bad, I wasn’t paying close attention to this part when the doctor was talking, but it had to do with the hormone changes your body goes through during sex that breaks the film and shifts things around). And in either case, you hope that the cure lasts, but you don’t know how your body will change or react later with your cycle, and during and post-pregnancy.
To paint a bigger picture: this makes for a VERY awkward conversation before I get married. Because PCOS effects my reproduction, I do have to talk about this with my future husband before I get married…which is scary as hell. Of course all the basic insecurities can’t help but bubble up – what if I get rejected because of this. What if I really can’t have kids. What if I’m just not meant to get married or have kids. (It’s a pessimistic downward spiral, we shall not go any further down). But you get the idea. Things get complicated.

All this isn’t easy to just ignore. Women with PCOS have to deal with it every day. It can take a toll on us, every day. If we let it.
If we let it. As I’ve already stated, I finally got to label what was wrong with me after years of figuring that there was something wrong with me. But I’m thankful that I found out what it was when I did because, now that I can look back at my life and everything I have been given, I’m actually quite appreciative for my PCOS.

That's one major thing I have learned about all of this that we call life. No it’s not all a mindset. But your mindset has a big part to play. I shamefully admit that I spent way too many years of my life with the “woe is me” and “life is unfair” mindset. Ok, true that I was an immature adolescent but, I totally self-victimized here. Seriously. Oh yeah, having PCOS still pretty much sucks, and I do get into my crazy bouts of emotion now and again – but it ain’t that bad ya’ll. This is gonna sound cliché, but at least I have my 5 senses and all my digits. I mean can you imagine not knowing what taste feels like? Or smelling? Or not being able to hold anything? And just everything!
The way I see it, everyone has to have a trial in their health life. All of us. It can range from diabetes and cancer, to acne or just not having the ability to put on weight. With the spectrum that broad, it is inevitable that every single person on earth will have some form of a health issue; they’re all our individual tests.
With that said, I think I’m pretty darn lucky with my thing. In fact, I’m quite thankful for my PCOS. It’s really helped me grow into myself. Yes, it did suck when I thought about it and let myself get down. But when I was out and about, living life, life was good. Scratch that, life is great Allhamdullillah. I have grown to really like my body, possibly more than the average female (which is saying a lot!), and really work on myself to like who I am as a person. (Haha - Don’t I sound like a self-help book!) But for real, so many of us constantly criticize ourselves about just everything. I’m not saying we shouldn't work on ourselves – who couldn't do with improvement? But I think I’ve found a good balance of working on self-improvement, without hating myself. From what I've observed, that balance seems to be hard to find for a lot of people, so I’m quite thankful.
I've learned to not be ashamed of something that has never been in my control. This is one of those topics that I have learned to be open about, because it is a medical matter. I've learned to not pretend there is nothing wrong and hope everyone just thinks I’m lazy or something. No something is wrong, but that’s not the only thing that matters. I've learned it’s not just a matter of accepting, but also learning to not be ashamed, afraid, and learning to move forward with what I've been given.
And I've learned to work on things that are important. Ok fine, so I can’t lose all the weight I want super fast, and I can’t do much about the other stuff either but take the medicine I have and visit the salon if I get annoyed enough. Slow and steady then. In the meantime, I can focus on much more important tasks. That ranges from the basics of praying 5 times a day and reading the Quran, to working on controlling my temper and opening my mind to all the different things this world has to offer. Thoreau had it right…to some extent….

Anyways, so the point of writing this whole thing is because September is PCOS awareness month, and yes half the month is over, but here’s the awareness. PCOS is there, women have it, and it’s legit. Your mother, or sister, or maybe your daughter could have it. No one can really do anything about it because it really is a personal disorder (then again what disorder isn't personal). But now you know that it exists. I guess the one thing other’s can do is just plain, be, nice. Words of comfort, a hug, etc, carry a long way. Whenever I start to get depressed my brother just sits with me and lets me whine until I feel better. In fact, there have been plenty of occasions where he’s gotten me a frap or something to eat, just to make me feel better. And all of it works, every time. A kind thought or action doesn't go unappreciated when you feel like crap. And after I’m done getting the crappy feelings out of my system, I’m back up and taking in life.

Who knows what the future has to offer, and who knows what will happen to me. But with this at least I have learned to not fear what has to come. Life is a test, and what test isn't hard. But you can’t tell me you don’t feel like the king of the world when you get an A or a B after working really hard for it. I feel like that’s how we should treat life. Shoot for the highest grade possible. Who would have thought that a disorder could teach you so much about life, and living, and growing, and just everything. Allhamdullillah.

And now you have been edumactionafied.

I'm ranting...about Eid! Ridiculous I tell you!

Yeah, I can’t believe I found something to rant about on Eid, but I did…and it sucks…

It has been an exact week since we celebrated Eid, and I do miss all of it, not just from this year but from my childhood as well.

Let me begin by telling you a little of what my Eid memories consist of, because to me those days were ideal ones.

Every year my dad would take me to this shop known as Poshak (back when it was a simple family-store, not a money-sucking business branch) and buy me my Eid suit. I would always let Abu choose the suit for me. We would buy bangles from the same store, as well as shoes and mehndi.

My aunts would put mehndi on my little hands as well as their own, and all night I would sleep in an awkward position so as not to ruin the design and have minimum chipping.

Back then I hated the scent of mehndi. Who would have thought I would grow to sniff my henna-ed up hands loving the smell of the green paste.

My mother would wake me up early the next morning to shower and dawn my new clothes, and then we would all head out for Eid prayer. We met all our neighbors and family, and I would show off my pretty outfit, "Abu got it for me!" In every house we went to, the savein tasted just slightly different. But I have yet to eat un-delicious savein. The thin noodle-like whey floating in boiled and sweetened milk with puffed up raisins and nuts was its own kind of heaven.

And then of course there was Eidi.

Eidi has a special meaning. Whether the adults are on good terms or not, whether you’re related or not, whether you've ever met before or not - none of it mattered when it came to Eidi. Regardless of everything else, adults gave children Eidi. It didn't matter who the adult was or who the child was. It didn't matter if it was a crisp new one dollar bill, or an enticing five dollar bill. All that mattered was that it was Eidi. It was a gift given to the child by an adult to celebrate the day of Eid.

And it's always special. I can still remember all the people that gave me Eidi from my first memory of Eid to now. When I was younger I would say "No, it's ok," because I was shy about taking anyone else's money but my parent's. But the adults would give a hearty laugh at my reply, un-curl my hand and place the money there while patting my head.

Eidi, hugs, mehndi, new clothes, savein, early morning Eid prayer - all make for just beautiful memories.

Unfortunately, I don’t think kids nowadays get to have as lovely memories of their Eid as I have.

You see, just like children remember all the kind, big-hearted adults that give us Eidi, children also remember the people who do not give them Eidi.

I saw adults with a stack of bills in their hands actually turn away from kids they did not want to give Eidi to. I heard these adults literally say “Where are the children? I don’t even see the children.” They said this in front of other children. There were plenty of children. They just didn’t see the ones they were specifically looking for. And boy, did those kiddos notice. Little faces drooped with confusion and hurt. I felt like I could read their minds "How come I don't get Eidi?" but of course, they would never ask in person.

I saw adults pick and choose the children they gave Eidi to, in front of other children. Not cool. That's just hurtful.

Just seeing that made my heart pang, I don't even want to think of how the little children that were noticeably ignored felt.

I didn't think I would have anything to criticize on Eid of all days, but what do you do when blatant acts of discrimination happen in front of you?

That's exactly what it was too, pure discrimination.

You know, I realize that the economy sucks, and we're all trying to save money, etc. etc.

But it's Eid.

Eid.

Eid is supposed to be the exception. After all, if we can spend money on our new clothes, and shoes, and bags, and everything else, than why not pass out a few bucks to make a child happy?

Seriously, even one dollar handed to a child with a smile makes the Eid special between that adult and that child.

In the same manner, turning away from a child without handing them anything, but clearly stating that you are looking for other children to give money to, makes the Eid a hurtful one.

It's a repulsive act quite frankly.

The damage done: the child was hurt on Eid, the child will remember the adult for that hurt (their discrimination and un-giving nature), the adult saved a few bucks.

Was it worth it?

Because that does not sound like it was worth it to me.

And you know what's even worse? These adults who specifically selected kids to receive Eidi, their children were not discriminated against.

There was a line that was formed, and all the kids passed through this line receiving Eidi. Family member's children, relative's children, friend's children, in-law's children, all walked through and received Eidi from, get this, 6 adults.

That's it.

Of all the families that were there, of all the 30plus adults, not even half were at the front of that line. 6 adults, which consisted of my father (who I am very proud for his open heart and hand), Sarwat, Ayesha, Shaulkut, Farqunda, and Farhana (excuse me for just using first names and not whole titles in this blog), while their own children were discriminated against by other adults in getting Eidi.

These six adults gave Eidi to every single child and young adult that passed through that line, whether it was one dollar, two dollars, or five. It didn't matter to them whose child it was, or how their relation was with the child's parents. All that mattered to them was that it was Eid, and Eid meant giving Eidi to children.

All those kids that passed through that line now have a positive perspective of these adults. When their parents ask who gave them Eidi, the children will think of these adults.

And then, they will think of the adults that turned away from them to avoid giving them Eidi.

In the afternoon, when the kids sat to count their Eidi, I saw how little their faces got when they counted their earnings and realized how little they got in spite of the number of adults that were there.

Children shouldn't have bitter-sweet memories like this of Eid.

Like I said, I know the economy sucks, but Eid is the one day that you’re supposed to make an exception for.

Well, we can’t go back in the past and change anything. I just really, really hope this doesn’t ever happen again. I want Eid memories for all the children to be good ones. Eid is a day of celebration. Celebration means happy (it's supposed to in my book anyways). Therefore, children should be happy on this day of celebration.

I loved Eid as a child, and I still do. I love getting my clothes ready, getting our house ready. I love staying up late and putting mehndi on all the girls’ hands. I love waking up early for Eid prayer, and then meeting everyone for food and hugs and pictures and Eidi. And I want all the growing children to love Eid and all it has to offer as well.

I hope that next year, all the adults that screwed up this time put in a greater effort to make Eid especially spectacular next time. I think they owe it to the kids.

Eid rant. I swear, I didn’t think it was possible. And yet, here is my completed entry to contradict that.