"Don't Worry"

I cannot begin to explain how much I loathe this expression. I literally cannot stand to hear this expression.

In my opinion, people say this when they want nothing to do with you. People say this when they want you out of their lives.

It sounds extreme doesn't it? But It's true. After all, what does worrying mean?
When people worry about you, they care about you. Worry means someone thinks that you are important enough in their life that not only are they willing to take time out of their own lives for you, they are willing to take time out to be with you, and help you during the rough, not so pleasant times in your life.
You are important enough to them that they are voluntarily concerned about your well-being.

And then you turn around and tell them "Don't Worry".
How insulting.
That's like slapping someone in the face after they just told you they loved you.
Not cool yo.

I can understand where you're coming from when you say those Godawful words. Most of the time people say it when they don't want to stress other's out about their own lives. They feel that whatever it is, it's their own problem. Or maybe that the issue is not big enough to warrant a great deal of concern from other's. Whatever the reason, I figure people say the words due to un-selfish reasons. They just don't want to be a bother to others.

Sincerely from the Others: shut the hell up.

After all, isn't that what loved ones are for, friends and family alike?
Sure you don't want to be a 'bother' to them, but that's what makes the relationship. The fact that there are more than just neutral feelings (if there is such a thing). The fact that you give more than two shakes of the sympathy bottle for them.

For real, if you don't get it by now here's a review:
People who love you, care about you.
People who worry about you, CARE about you.
Sometimes they say things you don't like or don't want to hear.
They're just trying to help you, at least give them that acknowledgement.
Just because someone is worried about you does not make you the burden.
You are only a burden when you are a douche.
And you are a douche when you tell people not to worry so don't do that!

Again, the Moral of the story: Don't tell people not to worry - unless you're a douche. In which case, douche away. The friendship shouldn't last too long with that dynamic. That's my opinion of it anyways.

Like I said, I hate when people tell me not to worry. You're basically telling me not t care.
And if you don't want me to care that's fine. But once I stop caring, I usually don't care to start again.
My automatic thought process after someone has told me "Don't Worry" one too many times - "fine. you don't want me to care? I won't care."

Don't get me wrong, I understand one "Don't Worry" That's excusable. But If you tell me not to worry even after I've told you that I care about you, and it's no big deal, and all the other things that go with it, and then you tell me again after that - then I'm done.
To me that just means you don't want me to be a part of your life the way I thought you did.
Because here's the thing, I don't butt in. If you don't tell me your issues yourself, I won't say a word because it's not my place.
But if you tell me, if you confide in me, and then shut me out when I try to help then I just don't know how to take it. It makes me feel offended that's for sure. And if the relationship stays in that odd limbo then I don't really want anything to do with it.

Make sense?
It's making sense in my head, but maybe not as I type it out....
In any case, all relationships have an give and take factor, whether it's friendship, family, acquaintance, romantic, peer, etc.
When you cut the give or take from that, and only focus on either the give or take, well it throws things off balance, especially for me.
I'm not sure what the relationship means then, and I'm not sure how to handle it.
That's why having someone say "Don't Worry, I don't want you to worry," more than once or twice is very confusing, and kindof annoying because it ventures on being hostile. Again, not cool. If you don't want someone in your life say so. But don't do the whole- Imma give you all my confidence and trust, etc etc. But I'm not gonna take anything from you because I don't want it - It makes the other person think, why don't you want it? Did I offend you? Did I say something wrong? Why don't you want me in your life all of a sudden?
I used to feel exasperated when I heard too many "Don't Worries" and ask myself all those above questions. But now if someone says those annoying words with enough emotion and meaning behind it then I wash my issues of the issue too. Fine you don't want me to care, Then I don't care.

I have to wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way?
Or am i the only loon who gets upset over these words?

Well in any case, that's the convoluted rant for the night.
Remember, don't tell me "Don't Worry" unless you honestly want me to stop caring.
Now doesn't that sound douchey.

Do you really know what you're teaching your kids?

I'm not just talking about what you sit down and tell your kids. Not just what you consciously do in front of your kids so that they can utilize what an excellent example of paternal care you are. I'm talking about the lessons you give your kids without even realizing it. The ones they overhear when you’re talking to your friends. The ones they observe when you yell at the television set because your team lost. The ones that your kids shouldn’t get at their age but they do because they’re out of bed and sneaking around, why? because they’re kids. Those lessons. Do you have any idea what you are teaching your kids through those lessons?

I ask because I just found out, after the school year is over, that my 10 year old cousin had been bullied the entire year and now he's afraid to go to school this coming year because he will most likely have to deal with the same kids.

What was he being bullied over? Being Muslim.

My blood is boiling. Seriously?? SERIOUSLY?? I'm not being able to digest this. In as diverse a city as Houston, lo and behold there is still ignorance lurking in the corners. And it's getting the kids.

So this cousin of mine was excessively bullied after 9/11. His peers called him all sorts of foul names.

The pushed him, twisted his arm, and stuck their faces in his as they mocked him.

They shoved food in his face when he was fasting during Ramadan.

They threw dirt at him during recess.

There was a little girl on crutches who called him a terrorist and would stomp on his toes with her crutch. My cousin never told on her because he felt sorry for her.

There was a little boy who maliciously asked him "why does your mom wear a rag on her head?"

Two other kids took the crosses they wore and pushed it in his face saying "convert! convert!"

Just for the hell of it, they called my cousin fat (which he's not but now he feels like he is).

And they threatened if he told the teacher. But that didn't make much of a difference anyways because his teachers were of no help. Of all these instances my little cousin recalled 2, maybe 3 times when his teachers stood up for him, during the more extreme cases. Otherwise they would often tell him to put his hand down or, get this, STOP TATTLING. Is anyone else thinking WTF!

My cousin came home crying and depressed more days than he could count.

And he wasn't alone.

There were 3 other Muslim kids who were bullied through the year without help.

One little hijabi was bullied into a corner where the other kids mocked her for wearing a "rag." The girls in that group flung their hair in her face, and the boys proceeded to pull it off her head completely. This was the only time the teachers decided to call parents and send these creatures to the front office.

Is your blood boiling yet?

According to my cousin the school has made efforts in informing the children of the difference between a terrorist and a Muslim. They has even had little events specifically to acquaint children with the idea of diversity, including a positive perspective of Muslims.

Which makes me think that the next place these bullies are getting their ideas from, is home. Do their parents know what vile little monsters they’re raising? Honestly, don’t they watch what they say? How can you talk so ignorantly and maliciously in front of little kids? And even when you think you’re alone you should watch your mouth if you have children in the house. You never know what they are going to hear. And you never know how they're going to take it. Or maybe these parents are home-growing their own brand of terrorism; I'd certainly classify it as such if these are conscious lessons.

This whole situation has me pissed. I'm pissed as hell that all this went on for a freakin year and I couldn’t do anything about it because I'm just now finding out. I'm pissed as hell at the teachers. Teachers are there as a second guardians. Your students should feel safe at school because of you. Your students should NOT feel like they can't come to you. Your students should NOT feel like there is no point in coming to you because you won't do shit. What the hell kind of teacher are you?!

And of course I'm ticked off as hell with these ignorant parents spewing stupidity in their houses so that their children can catch it like a disease and spread it on to other influential kids so that they all band together as a bunch of sick mutants to pick on the kids that are a little bit different from their own. How do you have the right to be a parent! There should be a universal law against people with this immense amount of ignorance passing their DNA on to the next generation. If humans still lived in the world of the fittest survive, these are the kind of people that nature would not have allowed to pass their genes on.

Inshallah, this kind of thing will never happen to my cousin again. I've told him to tell me if he sees these kids again next year and they pick up their antics again. I don’t know what I can do, but I'm going to do my best to prevent my cousin from seeing a year like this again. I'm all for growing up and teaching kids to fight their own battles, but this thing has crossed the line. He's 10! No ten year old should have to deal with shit like this. What happened to the days where our biggest concern was cooties?

Seriously, if you're a parent, or are planning to be a parent in your future, realize your responsibility. Realize that your kids will hear you when you think they’re not listening. They will see you when you think they won’t. And they will absorb everything around them like a sponge. They will emulate what they see and hear because that is what they think is right. If you are not ready to deal with being responsible for another life, in every definition of the word, then you need to back the hell of the parenting pedestal.

....Still pissed about all this.

If you dress like a teen, act and talk like a teen, it doesnt mean youre a teen

So I was out the other day and came upon a very uncomfortable sight to see – there was a….’mature’ woman dressed like it was her first day in high school and she wanted to prove she was an adult...and failing at it.

And to make matters worse, while I was trying not to gawk, a young girl possibly a few years younger than I walked up to her saying “mom, can I get this necklace?”

….I’m sooooo judging right now.

Lady how are you gonna dress even younger than your teenage daughter?? Does this not boggle anyone else’s mind?

I’m all for looking young and feeling young, but I do think there is a way to do it all. Looking young, and looking like a juvenile are two different things. I can tell you now, I don’t like seeing women who dress like they’re teenagers. Why? Because it makes me feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that at their age, and with their life experience, they have not learned to age gracefully. In doing so, they portray themselves as clinging to their youth in a desperate attempt to thwart aging.

The silly thing of it is, I don’t see why aging is seen as such a negative thing. Yeah you’re getting older. So is everyone else on earth. Join the club? Seriously though, you don’t need to make an excuse for aging, it’s a natural part of life. What we need to do is learn how to age gracefully and without losing ourselves.
The best example I have (a completely bias example, I admit) is of my own mother and father.

They’re in their mid-life ages, and they know it. But that doesn’t mean that they’re dismayed by it. My parents dress according to their age, they always have from what I know. When my father was young he wore chains and colorful shirts according to the fashion in his time. And my mom and her sisters have admitted to wearing new fashion styles as they came out in Nigeria and later in Pakistan. They lived out their time and had fun with the fashions.

And now that they’re adults they have their own sense of fashion. My father is usually in jeans or dress pants, or in a tradition salwar kamiz. And my mother is usually in a salwar kamiz or pant-shirt if we have to go out. But even then, her salwar kamiz are not glittery and sparkly all over the place. Where once she wore reds and oranges with tons of little jewels, she wears silky blues and elegant purples. Even with her American clothes, she went from wearing colorful flowery maxi dresses, to simple dress pants and long shirts with a scarf.
Occasionally my parents will break out a colorful out of this world outfit, but it’s usually for a big thing like a wedding or Eid. And even then, they don’t seem like they’re trying to recapture their youth, but are just re-visiting it with a fond eye.

So having parents like these, who know what it means to age, and do it gracefully and with a fond eye, I feel I have a sense of age appropriate dressing. My mother hates to wear more colorful clothing than me. Anytime she gets sparkly jewelry she passes it to me saying ‘oh, this is too showy for me. But it will look nice on my daughter!’ without malice. And you know what? I’m looking forward to that age too, when I go from being young and colorful, to grown and graceful.

It’s not difficult to make aging elegant, unless you try with your dear might to hold on to your youth.
Mothers of young adult and teenage daughters: look, I understand that you work hard to maintain your figure and look good for your age. And you know what, you do look good for your age. But ladies you need to let people realize that by dressing for your age.

When you look good but dress like an adolescent, I don’t think people think you look good for your age, I think they think you don’t know just how old you are. You and your daughter should not be shopping in the same aisles!

I hope to never see another middle-aged mother, or any aged mother for that matter, in a strapless top again. Please, layoff the mini-skirts, the halter tops, the PINK or JUICY sweatpants. Wear them at home if you have to. But for the love of the public eye, dress like you have sense when you’re outside!
Obviously just because you have growing kids doesn’t mean you let go of what it means to be fashion savvy. But learn to be chic in according to your age. After all, there is a reason they have all those racks labeled juniors and miss. All of us have to make that switch eventually.

We just need to learn to make that switch with a positive perspective on aging, and mercy to the people with sight around us.

I'm More Ignorant Than I Give Myself Credit For

The dilemma swarming my head at the moment: the rising number of young girls deciding to de-hijabify themselves.

Yes, I am more ignorant than I give myself credit for. I am ignorant because I lack understanding the world and people around me. No matter how I try to make sense of it, think it through, try to put myself in other's shoes - I just am not being able to understand the reason for taking off a hijab in America, specifically for women who made the decision to put one on of their own accord.

To be even more specific, I'm talking about here in houston. There are hijabis everywhere, so it's really hard to feel like the odd one out. It's so diverse that everyone fits in.

If there's one racist comment thrown at you, you have an army of open-minded people that stand up for you instantly.

More than anything, a girl who decides to put on a hijab is respected as a woman here. From my experience, people respect you for the decision you make of practicing your religion boldly, and even support you as they can.

So with all those pluses, why take it off?

I am sincerely asking for somebody to explain the reasoning here because I truly dont understand it.

Could it be social or family pressures that are too much to handle?

Is it an inner insecurity?

Or is it just a change of fashion?

God I hope it's not for the sake of vanity.

I had a friend who's older sister took her hijab off a few years ago. When I asked my friend why she did it, she said her sister was feeling constricted and couldnt even remember the reason she put the hijab on in the first place. So she took it off, and according to my friend she was a lot happier. At 14, I didnt know what to make of it. Now at 19, almost 20, I still dont know what to make of it.

She may have forgotten why she put her hijab on, but I remember her telling us - it was God. God...GOD.

How do you forget God?

How do you forget the reason for your pious action, was God?

What humans had the ability to distract your mind so much, that you forgot that the reason for your modesty was God?

I know, I know. I'm running around in circles with these questions. As you can see, i wasnt lying when i said I lack complete understanding for this surge of de-hijabifiying.

It's just very worrying to me to see and hear of a growing number of young, smart girls who are going against their own decision and dropping the veil.

It hurts to see a fellow Muslim drop a step down.

Obviously I dont know what is in their hearts - their reason, their faith. I dont know about any of it. All i know is what I see. And what I see is the decision to do something wrong over the decision to do something right. And i dont understand it.

The other thing that really bothers me is other people's reaction to a de-hijabification.

Why do people congratulate you? What is there t congratulate over?

The woman is no longer a hijabi. How do you even know what to say to that?

I sure as hell dont have words...but i'm 100% certain that 'congratualtions' is not the right word.

Maybe these 'well-wishers' think that these women are breaking out a primitive way of thought, and so they feel congratulations are in order.

Maybe their congratulating the girls for revealing their beauty..becoming more feminine? for becoming more independent?

Again, i'm ignorant here. I dont know. All I know is that, regardless of how happy you feel for someone removing their hijab, i think that its quite disrespectful and arrogant to congratulate them over it. I admit, I think it's offensive. To me that's the equivalent of blatantly saying you think the religion is wrong. You may think it, but that doesnt mean you have to seem so hostile, or smug about it.

Yes, yes, this is my bias speaking, I know...

SIGH.

As you can probably guess by the tone of this post, I feel quite upset. Fellow Muslim sisters are de-hijabifying themselves, and it just hurts to see it. There is a very simple way to explain how I feel: I dont like it. I just plain dont like it.

But...it's not my life is it?

It's not my life, not my decision, not my judgement, and not my relationship with God. It has nothing to do with me.

So here I sit, typing out this blog only to realize I cant really do much. And that just plain old sucks.

I pray that these girls turn to God again, look to him for strength, and find the faith to put their hijabs back on.

I pray that I and other hijabis find the strength and faith to continue wearing our hijabs for the rest of our lives, so that we may set good examples for other Muslims and represent Islam in the best manner we can.

And i pray that other Muslim girls find the reason and guidance they need to put the hijab on as proud Muslim women.

Inshallah.

Approaching a hijabi - Keep it in line.

I have been meaning to post for sooooo long, but what with finals and then computer problems, and then the lethargic state that is a huge symptom of the summer blues, I just haven't gotten to it until now.

While I have a number of things swimming through my head to post about, I'm going to choose the one that has been on my mind the longest. To you I'll state it as a question: How do you expect men to act with hijabis?

What brought this question to mind in the first place: (I always try to keep the story short but it never turns out that way does it? So, no promises this time!)

This semester I usually got to the building of one of my classes 5-10 minutes early. During that time I would hop on the computer in the study room and take care of e-mails, a syllabus scan, and of course a facebook scan (who could resist?). Usually I was alone for those few minutes, and I liked it that way.
However, one of the days one of our essays was due a fellow classmate, we'll call him T, was on one of the computers getting his final paragraphs in.
He started talking to me, and he was friendly enough so no big deal right?
He asked me what I thought about arranged marriages, which is common question for me.
Then he asked about what I ate, which is also a common question for me from those who are familiar with Islamic dietary rules.
T said, we should grab lunch or dinner sometime. Sometime. Considering I live on a college campus, this is also fairly normal. Everyone gets to know each other over food. I thought it was a bit odd that he mentioned some off campus place, but I reasoned 'maybe he doesn't like dining hall food.' So I didn't think much of it and gave the general 'sure.'
When we got out of class he asked if I had a facebook and added me - seemed normal enough to me. And then he sent me a message with his number saying to contact him. All of this seems normal right? Or am I just stupidly naive?

Anyhow, so I texted him back a 'this is Sobia' in equal exchange. From our texting I realized that when he said lunch or dinner sometime, he meant dinner tonight. I didn't feel comfortable meeting right away, and besides it was a weekday! I had procrastinating to do.
So I declined. He asked then when? I told T I was busy until two days after at least. He replied: 'Aww, youre going to keep me starving until Thursday!'
Me:....I'm not stopping you from eating..
And then I told him, besides my roommate isn't free until thursday either, and I dont go anywhere without her. (Cuz friendly dinner or not, there is no way in hell I would ever meet with a guy, whether I know him well or not, alone. Ridiculous!)
Anyhow, he replies: Aight. I was gonna pay for you, but I ain't gonna pay for her. LOL.
Me:...uh, you're not paying for me either.
T: yeah i am.
Me: No youre not. People dont pay for each other on friendly lunches.
T: Naw I got you.
Me: ...We'll see.
T: Yes we will! lol
This is what initially gave me a bit of a weird feeling. But then I thought maybe I'm over reacting, i'm just not used to excessively friendly people. I'm used to people approaching me with caution (and I prefer it that way, if I may add).
Anyhow, I stopped replying after that, but he kept texting! Random things. We weren't having a conversation. He was saying silly things and I mostly replied with 'haha' and 'ok' (i thought those were universal text signs that the conversation is over. Stop texting!) He finally did stop when I told him I'm gonna crash. It was 5pm. But at this point I was sufficiently uneasy. I do not like overly friendly behavior from men, especially when we just started talking. But again, I thought I was just being defensive so I put everything to the back of my mind.

T texted me 'Good Morning..' at 8:25am. If I wasn't creeped out before, I sure was now. I mean, I don't even get good morning texts from my mother!
So around noon I decided to text him and say : I cant make it Thursday, something came up.
T responded with something like you suck, or forget you, or blahhhhh - i forget which. And he said to get back to him whenever I was free. I said 'Alrighty' and didn't text him again.
A week went by with no problem. The next week though I got freaked.

So even after my 10 minute session in the study room, I came into class to find only one other person there (usually there are at least 3 or 4 from the previous class). We'll call this student S. S and I sit one chair apart, and for a minute it was just the two of us in class. Then T walks in with his booming voice "hello, my beautiful classmates!'
I reply 'hey.' S replies: 'Hey, how are you?'
T: 'good. good. If i was doing any better I'd be on top of the moon' (something like that)
After a couple of minutes of silence T: So Sobia...
Me: yes?
but he doesn't reply and S and I exchange awkward glances before we get back to our business.
T: I was really looking forward to Thursday. You left me hanging.
I refused to look up but replied: I couldn't help that.
T: Oh I think you could. I was very disappointed.
Me: Sorry but my schedule isn't up to me.
T gets up and moves to the seat between S and I saying 'I like this chair. I think Imma sit here today.'
I didn't reply. He pulls out his phone and shows me the texts we had exchanged.
T: 'See that? That was a week ago.
Me: Yeah and I'm still not free. I told you, my schedule isn't up to me.
By this time 2 other students have entered the classroom. One of them, J, sits right across from me and we exchanged our usual smiles and hellos.
If we're still waiting for the class to start I usually pull out my notebook and work on a henna design, which I had been doing the entire time this conversation played out.
T: What's that your working on?
Me: It's a henna design.
T: It's on a hand.
Me: mhm.
T: It seems like a floral design.
Me: it usually is.
T: what did you say it was?
Me: a henna design.
T: cool.. cool... aight. imma go.
Me: ok
T as he's getting up: falsifier....storyteller...
And he finally went back to his seat. J and S and I exchanged awkward glances, S and J seemed slightly concerned but I didn't say anything because I was just relieved that T was away from me.
When class ended I made sure he and I didn't leave at the same time, and when I saw that he was busy with someone else I bolted out.
Thankfully after that there has been no communication between us.

I was sufficiently creeped by all of it. As I stated before, I am not used to men approaching me in such a straightforward manner, and I'd prefer to keep it that way.
As a hijabi I like the fact that men in general show a form of restraint and modesty around me. My guy friends tend to not crack dirty jokes around me. Even though I curse like sailor (sometimes...not often....anymore...) I still get apologies from them when they let slip an exceptionally crude word. Of course there's never any touching of any sort. I choose my close guy friends carefully, and around the few I have I feel very safe and protected. Around everyone else, I'm usually on guard and the men around me always have a sort of restraint they maintain - physically, verbally, and mentally and emotionally (I hope).
So I don't appreciate guys being overly friendly with me, even if their intention are completely clean. It's just a matter of manners and appropriateness with me. And I felt like T crossed that invisible line, which made me feel very uneasy.

Now that you've read my little story, you tell me. Am I over thinking this? Or would you also feel kind of creeped if you were in my position?
And how do you think guys should, or should not approach hijabis? (by approach I mean in any terms - in friendly terms, or romantic terms, or whatever other terms you're thinking of that I probably left out).

On a positive note: T and i have not spoken since, and summer is here to give our brains a bit of a break from all those textbooks! =)

Those awkward meetings before you get married - and the craziness when it doesn't go through!

So I've had this blog in my mind since the last weekend but I just haven't gotten around to getting it down on the screen. If you're reading this you should know, we are definitely about to delve into some personal stuff (just a heads up, which is also why it's so damn long!)

Background story - ok so i recently had a proposal on my table and it disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared. Technically speaking, I was rejected. Honestly speaking, the guy and I knew this wasn't going to happen when we started talking. Now that's all fine and dandy - but not what the problem was. The problem was when I came home and was chastised for - quote unquote - "talking to much."

A number of my family members had the opinion (which was relayed to me both directly and indirectly) that i had talked too much, that I had scared the guy off, and that next time I shouldn't be 'allowed' to talk so much. They are of the opinion that next time my mother should not give me so much freedom... The reason for these opinions? Pure Pakistani culture...Culture....Cuuultuure...[Not religion -we 'bout to get into that]

You see in Paki culture, girls are supposed to be all quiet and prim and proper. Pretty little wallflowers that are born to serve. these fictional lovely ladies are trained to let the monster out after they're married. Surprise attack ya'll. but I'm from a Paki family, thus my unwallflower-like and honest ways have gone unappreciated. -sigh--haha, don't i sound self-righteous xD-

Unfortunately, the Paki concept of an arranged marriage is completely warped (ok, dramatically exaggerating a little bit here, but my point stands valid!). It's talk 2 times (and thats pushing it) and then take the plunge! Congratulations if it worked for you but, welcome to the 21st century. Where everybody is exposed to sex, drugs, and alcohol and their momma's still think their child is an uncorrupted angel. Lemme tell you now - what a load of bull. There's a reason we've been given certain rights in Islam (here i think it's to weed out the nuts and kooks). An arranged marriage is a collaboration between parents and children - all parties work together and say yes. They do not set out-of-date, culturally warped limits on each other - [Thank God for my mother. In a world of crazy, I can always depend on her to understand, even if we disagree sometimes].

I feel like my own family members are confusing speaking, with immodesty (oh these overwhelming cultural precedents). Nor is it dating! If you're not meeting alone, you're not touching, and you're not talking inappropriately, I'd say you're in the clear. And just an Fyi, this guy and I exchanged messages on facebook - that's it! No phone talk. No meeting. We didn't add each other as friends, just talked in a private message. If you're doing it right, it doesn't get much safer than that! Honestly speaking, immediate personal meetings scare me, cause then everybody and their mommas is up in your business (lame joke intended).

ANYWAYS! xD

So the lessons i was given were that girls should not talk too much. We shouldn't ask so many questions - otherwise we'll scare the guy away. And, this is not how "we" do it.

My first counter question is - who's "we"? I've noticed in my own family and others, that parents have quite a difficult time separating culture and religion. They do not understand that they are not one in the same thing. Talking urdu, and wearing salwar kamiz does not a Muslim make. Since when were the traditions in Paki so perfect that they could be set in stone? Having visited there I can give a quick first-hand example of what Islam in Pakistan is: Young ladies, you should step out the house with a duppatta on your head. Do not talk to men. Oh! But don't you dare walk out in those loose clothes! Nice and fitting. Don't forget a smudge of lipstick. Now thats what i call a Muslim girl.

I'm asking in all seriousness -- WHAT!?!

Now beyond that, came the chastising lessons that are the cause of this rant. How the hell do you ask too many questions?! I'm pretty sure, I'm willing to bet my right arm, there's no such thing in Islam. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrnjYYuDfXs] <-- I swear to you, this man knows how to say it better than anyone else! Islam gives you the right to ask the questions you need, to get to know the person until you feel comfortable marrying them. Yes, this is an Islamic right. I thought about why my outspokenness may have unnerved some of my family members and I realized, it's because none of them have ever been in my position.

-Getting up close and personal- you see, I have PCO (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). What does this mean? Well in a nutshell, it means there is a milky film full of little cysts covering my ovaries, resulting in my hormones and menstrual cycles being out of whack. Due to this PCO, the number of children I can have is limited because I don't know how my body will change after marriage. And during pregnancy. (Allhamdullillah, I can have kids but I cant pop out no football team).

No, it's not a bad thing. No, its not in my control. And no, I am not ashamed of this dysfunction because God gave it to me and it's not in my hands. Its a test I have to pass, and a conversation I have to have. Bef0re I get married. In Islam if you have a medical condition, health issues, sex issue, and anything else that will effect you and your other half after marriage, you have to talk about it before you get married. You are obligated to have these conversations before you get married, because a marriage is certainly not to begin with dishonesty and hidden facts.

Allhamdullillah none of my family here has had these issues, before or after they got married.

But that is why they cannot understand how hard this conversation will be for me to have. But I have to have it, both Islamically and personally speaking. And this means whoever I'm talking to, well we'll need to talk a lot, and get fairly comfortable with the idea of marrying each other before I can have a conversation like this with him. (Believe me, typing this out is a lot easier than talking, especially when it's in scientific terms rather than emotional, but the conversation is gonna happen Inshallah).

In Pakistan, even if a girl does have these issues, they're not talked about before marriage for fear of scaring a guy off. First of all that's un-Islamic. Second, why in the world would you want to marry someone of such weak character?

As mentioned before, that was a point of chastisement in my case. To this I have concluded, if I scare him off, he wasn't meant for me. I know what kind of guy I should be walking up the aisle for (so to speak) and it's not someone who's quiet and un-social (cause all of us know at least some characteristic our spouse will need in them to be able to share their live with us and vice-versa.) And it's not someone who cant take me for who I am, flaws and all. Because I'd accept him for who he is, flaws and all. After all, no one is perfect. If I'm "rejected" because i have PCO then he is definitely not worth my time. To me that's as bad as saying no to someone because theyhave type 1 diabetes, or because they're of a different race. No - because of things they cant control. No - because of things God gave them. Talk about ignorance. Not in my spouse, thank you!

A personal motto I run by when it comes to this marriage business: If he can fight with me, he can handle me. [Now that's what I call a match made in heavn!]

I think it's ridiculous to blame someone for getting rejected. Or get mad at them for saying no. Are we supposed to marry the first proposal that comes along, eyes closed?! And I think it's just silly to get mad at a girl for being straight forward instead of beating around the bush. Ridiculous I tell you!

Parents need to realize that yes, they are raising their kids in a Paki manner, and thats great and all. But if they're being raised here, they are whole-heartedly American, and they will grow to realize that religion is right and that culture is always changing thus lacks complete stability and validity. I say to parents in the famous words of Scarf from the Lion King - 'Be Prepared!'

I figure I sound pretty RAWR after all this, I genuinely don't mean to. Certain circumstances and results had me wound up for some time. (I mean, the reason the 'advice' bugged me so much in the first place is because my family means so much to me. Even if I try not to, I cant help but care about what is said.) But now that I have it out of my system, I admit, I am very grateful to have been born in a Paki house. Because it's allowed me to learn so much. And i love all my family fro caring and getting concerned in their own way. I know where they're coming from and really, its a learning process for all of us. I just happen to be the first, so it's a little more challenging to match up view points.

Thats the thing, my brother and I are the oldest, and thus the experimental guinea pigs in our family. -lol, we don't mind though.- Because we branch out first, think out load first, we inevitably face the harshest consequences. But the youngin's are getting older, and learning. They'll be asking "why" for the big questions, and soon realize that 2+2 is not fish. And like my parents, their parents will adjust to that and hopefully come to have a great relationship with their kids, the way my parents do Allhamdullillah.

But Inshallah if my brother and I can manage to break a couple of these hindrances, things will be easier for our younger cousins.

Anyways, it's tough right now. And I expect it t get tougher. But Inshallah it'll all be worth it. Believe me, Islam ain't that hard ya'll. Sometimes, people just make it hard without even realizing it.

Warning: It's Kind of a Rant

I read a status on facebook that's got me thinking. I wont copy-paste the status because I feel like that would be a privacy violation, but the gist of it was that a Muslim brother said he thought wearing tights in public was stupid because it's like being naked while wearing clothes - sure youre covered, but does it matter if the world can still see the shape of your body?

I was very surprised to see that the comments, from other Muslims were bashing the original poster, saying he had no right to judge, etc etc. When the Muslim women replied, it was blatantly obvious that they were offended by this status, and went on to defend themselves.

Here's where I got thinking - why are the Muslim women so offended?

ok, I understand no one has the right to judge another (although the fact of the matter is, we all judge). And i admit, the wording in the status was harsh. But do I disagree with it? No.

One of the women that replied wrote on about how she prays, she fasts, etc. etc. and messages like this are very discouraging to her and all Muslim women alike. She also wrote that women should be approached with gentleness if change is wanted, and that the Muslim brother shouldn't look in the first place if it bothers him.

Being a Muslim woman myself, I have to say I disagree.

(Be warned, here comes the long tangent)

I dont know if youve noticed but if you ever say something religiously critical, whether it is directed at someone or not, the people around you will get defensive. The 'I pray, I fast, I am a Muslim' argument is quite over used. What i dont understand is, why do people think this a defense?

People need to learn to separate personal actions from public actions and realize they are two different things, that dont necessarily stand up for the other.

You praying and fasting has nothing to do with the topic. Why? Because that is strictly between you and Allah. Whether you pray or not, no one will know unless you tell them. Whether you are fasting or not, no one will know unless you tell them (or unless you eat right in front of everyone).

But the what you wear - everyone sees that.

How you act - everyone observes that.

And you know what, everyone, Muslim or not, will judge.

And I feel like saying he shouldnt look has no validity. You have to look where youre going, and you cant help if every other woman that crosses your path is in tights. I actually feel a little better knowing there is a Muslim brother out there who, when he comes across a Muslim woman actually feel angry disappointed and concerned enough to let it bother him. I feel better knowing that he is not one of the many men who will look at a woman who displaying her body and think lustful thoughts, however briefly. Thank you for caring? (Indeed).

I think, if you are old enough that you can choose your religion, you are old enough to realize you need to follow the religion properly.

If you are a hijabi, and youre out with your head covered but with your body and legs still showing because youre dressing inappropriately and your clothes are too tight, well then I have to ask - what are you doing?

If youre a Muslima, and you have made the decision to represent your religion to the world, for the love of Allah do it right!

-Back to the status-

Like I said, I quite agree with the status. I read the replies, and I thought they were overly defensive. That just tells me that you know you need to change, but you dont want to accept it and feel upset that someone is pointing out a blatant wrong in a harsh manner. (Mind you this was a general status, not directed at one particular person).

Sure, there are nicer ways of putting things. But from my experiences, there's a limit to how nicely you can explain things to adults. Children, growing teens, yes they need kindness.

But if youre an adult, learn to take general criticism and turn it into something positive - a tool that you can use to make yourself better. Instead of defending yourself for the wrong reason.

Honestly, how are you going to be a proud Muslim woman and then defend wearing skin tight clothes?

If youre wrong, youre wrong. Dont defend your wrong (what!). Admit it, and try to grow from and out of it.

Now! I cant just preach to the choir and pretend I'm just all-righteous and perfect (Allah knows I'm not by a long shot) And it would be hypocritical of me to reprimand without setting an example, right?

So now I'm going to take my own advice - give a personal confession and take my own personal steps toward a resolution.

Confession: I curse like a sailor! It's a very, very bad habit.

Resolution: I will control my anger, and I will hold my tongue. If I feel a curse word bubbling, I will make an effort to replace it with a Bismillah/Subhanallah.

Inshallah